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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your best-bad jokes

188 replies

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 18/02/2017 00:11

Not an aibu really but it's midnight and I can't sleep!

Please give us all a laugh and share your best/worst jokes or even chat up lines.

My DD aged 13 has been telling this joke for years..."what did the ghost say to the bee?....Boo-bee"!

My guilty favourite one liner..."I went to the zoo the other day, it was awful. Absolute rubbish. They only had one animal, a dog...it was a shit-zhou"!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
whydobirds · 18/02/2017 23:05

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren

whydobirds · 18/02/2017 23:09

A motorway and an A road walk into a bar. The barman says to them 'your green tarmac friend is over there in the corner'
They look at each other, horrified.
'He is no friend of ours. We can't believe you even served him...

The guy's a cyclepath...'

Clawdy · 18/02/2017 23:19

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers, you menda dese trousers!
(Has to be said in a cross, Italian mama voice!)

cautiousoptimist1 · 18/02/2017 23:20

What's big, white and sits in a tree?

  • Rupert the fridge!
whydobirds · 18/02/2017 23:26

Doctor, doctor, I've got a steering wheel in my groin.

Is it bothering you?

Yes. It's driving me nuts...

whydobirds · 18/02/2017 23:27

Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry on my head.

You need some cream for that.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/02/2017 00:18

thenewaveragebear1983, that is the best one I've heard in ages!!!!!!!! Going to tell my 3yo. GrinGrin

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/02/2017 00:20

Patient
.Doctor Doctor.
I feel like everyone's ignoring me.
Doctor.
Next patient please!!!!!

Patient. Hey Doc. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't eat fast food. I got to bed each night at 8pm. I'll probably live to be 100.

Doctor. Erm probably not, but. It'll seem like it.

What round and angry.
A vicious circle.

If you're not familiar with Liverpool. You mightn't get this, but I'll try.

How do you get a budgie to speak.
Put it on the number 82 bus.

Knock Knock.
Who's there.
I dunnup.
I dunnup who

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/02/2017 00:23

Why did the tomato blush
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What's the difference between an elephant and a post box.
I don't know.
Thank God you're not a Post Man/Women

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/02/2017 00:28

What do you call 2 men standing in the window.
Kurt and Rod. Grin

BadLad · 19/02/2017 02:45

What do you call a woman with a sun lamp on her head?

Tanya

My wife played cricket yesterday, with a bat she won in one of those charity raffle things.

Tombola?

No, Steve ran her out.

What do matadors drink?
Café AU LAIT.

OhSoggyBiscuit · 19/02/2017 02:49

Bad jokes, my favourite kind!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no eye deer.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana (repeat x3)

Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Why did the man take a pencil to bed with him?
He wanted to draw the curtains

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

daisychain01 · 19/02/2017 03:44

What do you call a man sitting in a pile of dead leaves?
Russell

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What do you call Bambi with no eyes?
No idea.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

What sticky and brown?
A stick

daisychain01 · 19/02/2017 03:45

Soggy you said the deer joke better than me Grin

GreyStars · 19/02/2017 03:51

Why wasn't the kitty invited to the picnic

Because she always left litter 😻

I also have a good dirty joke...

What is brown and sounds like a bell

Dung

Bloodybridget · 19/02/2017 04:00

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

Reg.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 19/02/2017 08:18

Two fish swim into a wall. Damn.

Two cannibsls eating a clown- 'does this taste funny to you?'

Roundincirclesagainandagain · 19/02/2017 08:26

Love this one....

To ask for your best-bad jokes
Original poster
Maryhadalittlelambstew · 19/02/2017 09:10

What do you a fish with no eye?

A fsh

OP posts:
travellinglighter · 19/02/2017 09:11

Why do marxists only drink camomile tea??

Because all proper tea is theft.

But obscure but I love it.

cowshindtail · 19/02/2017 10:28

Aren't cats clever for having holes in their fur in exactly the right place for their eyes. Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm when pushing them.

MothersRuinart · 19/02/2017 16:06

Lol at a lot of people thinking the op asked for dad jokes when they asked for bad jokes. Same thing I guess!

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 19/02/2017 16:34

What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?
Neither of them is a police officer.

OliviaStabler · 19/02/2017 18:07

A lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

honeylulu · 19/02/2017 18:14

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no eye deer.*

What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no dick?
Still no fucking eyed deer.

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