To ask for your best-bad jokes

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

Not an aibu really but it's midnight and I can't sleep!

Please give us all a laugh and share your best/worst jokes or even chat up lines.

My DD aged 13 has been telling this joke for years..."what did the ghost say to the bee?....Boo-bee"!

My guilty favourite one liner..."I went to the zoo the other day, it was awful. Absolute rubbish. They only had one animal, a dog...it was a shit-zhou"!

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.
--
What's blue and white and can't climb trees?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

We've all had our problems, but. They've really been through a lot of shit them, you know.
My arse cheeks.

I think I'm having a funny half hour.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

What did the burst balloon say to the pin.
Thanks very much for letting me down, you Prick.

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 789

A man walks into a boomerang shop and says "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. But before I do, can you tell me how to throw this one away........"

I'm here all week.

Did you hear the tale of Mr Cheese? He painted his poor wife. He double Gloucester.

One from my late dad:

'How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her'

Terrible, I know.

Oh I love dad jokes! Here is my current fave!

Yesterday a drug dealer did my shoe laces up. I was tripping all day.

Tripping!

Yesterday I returned 100 currants to the shop. They gave me 200 sultanas. The currant exchange rate is very good.

Did you hear the one about the bass drum and cymbal that fell off a cliff?

Badoom tssh!!

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a knife

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Why did the blind woman fall down a well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven til it's bill withers

How do you catch an elephant?
Make a noise like a peanut.

Doctor, my wife thinks I'm mad for wearing clingfilm instead of pants.
Dr - I can clearly see your nuts.

What's brown and steaming and comes out of cows?
The Isle of Whight ferry!

What are the Queen's farts called?
British Gas

Why did the ravers get lost in the wood?

Because the junglist massive!

Not really a dad one but great nonetheless.

Why does Tigger smell bad?
He plays with Pooh all day.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening!

Why do giraffes have long necks?

Because they've got smelly feet*

*courtesy of Gigglebiz but it actually made me laugh

Skoda owner to car dealer: "Do you have a petrol cap for a Skoda?"

Car dealer to Skoda owner: "That sounds like a fair swap!"

What do you call a Skoda without a roof?

A skip!

I like the 789 one!