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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

263 replies

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:33

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

OP posts:
BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 16:41

She wouldn't be able to close a joint account without him there. Both parties need to close it.

But be aware you're only hearing his side. They only split up two years ago , he's now living with you and you're getting married? That's bloody fast spin on his side.

I'd stay out of it all. His ex wife will be around for many years to come, and so will the money be going to her. You have to really look at whether you can accept that.

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 16:43

They are divorced. He pays £1900 for child maintenance and spousal maintenance. If she believes he is underpaying her then she can go through CSA or back to court to vary the court order. However, HE is the one who should be telling her this not you.

As regards the bills HE should be contacting the companies to explain they are divorced and should be in her name (if it relates to utilities on their former matrimonial home). If they are other bills such as credit cards then HE should have sorted all this out within the context of the divorce as if they are joint accounts then he is still jointly liable.

Tell your fiance to sort HIS affairs out.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:46

He's said to her let's close the account many times. She just won't.
She divorced him. It might be fast but what's that got to do with anything?
I know she will be around but she should act like an adult.
She's claiming the benefits btw he isn't claiming anything.
Stay out of it? He will be my husband soon so its household income.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 16:47

Wow! He's a fast mover, OP Grin

I agree, I think he needs to be there to close the account?

As for the rest of it, it sounds like she should have just answered the question. It was a bit silly to expect them to contact her solicitor.

On the face of it anyway. It could be more complicated.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/02/2017 16:49

Sorry Bubble you are wrong. She CAN close a joint account on her own so long as there is no overdraft to pay back. She can't remove him or herself from the joint account without her ex's say so.

I would suggest he contacts the utility companies himself, if they won't remove him (they probably won't) but they can probably take his details and freeze the accounts.

I would also suggest that he contacts a solicitor if it is stressing him out so much.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 16:50

And bingo. She's claiming benefits. Therefore she is below him.

Two years from divorce to him living with you and you getting married is quick. Especially when there are unresolved financial ties. The maintenance I'm presuming was in the divorce settlement?

You may be getting married soon, but it isn't anything to do with you. The agreement is between him and his ex wife. You don't get a say in how much he gives her. He deals with it, as an adult, with her.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 16:51

Felicia really? As DP has similar with an unused account with his ex wife, but the bank said they had to go in person together to close it. Which he hasn't done as he can't be dealing with the aggro of seeing her. I'll advise him to try again.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:52

I've never seen or spoken to her
I know he's trying to sort it out but obviously only she can deal with the tax credits.
I know it could have been sorted months ago-I expect they only stopped them because she didn't provide correct info. She could have given them a copy of the absolute for a start.
He's done all his own stuff like his car details, credit cards etc
It's an online bank so you do it on the internet with the joint

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 16:54

Perhaps she can't afford to pay back an overdraft at the moment, so can't close it?

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 17/02/2017 16:55

He's paying almost £2k a month to his ex. Moves in with you incredibly quickly Hmm

Unless he's on megabucks, I'd make sure your own assets are protected.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:55

There is no overdraft.
I am not saying she is below him in the least. I'm saying only she can sort it because of data protection etc.
Yes all the financial agreements are done.
She was told by her solicitor last July to inform everyone.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 17/02/2017 16:56

He can put a block in it she will soon want to resolve the issue then

He should have contacted utilities himself

Do you wipe his area for him too?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:56

He is on a large salary-there are reasons for the high amount
I am well protected.

OP posts:
EightiethElement · 17/02/2017 16:57

I'm sure it must be frustrating for you but are you certain you want to marry this guy? he sounds like a liability. Not just because he is paying maintenance (quite rightly) but because I think it is horrifyingly quick, to leave a marriage and to have already not just set up home with somebody else but to have got engaged........ it shows a lack of empathy I think. Is this really what you want? Is he worth it?

BobbieDog · 17/02/2017 16:57

I dont think 2 years is a fast turnaround to be engaged to someone else.

She gets 1900 a month from your dh????? Fucking hell! She doesnt know shes born!

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

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happypoobum · 17/02/2017 16:58

Very speedy work - how long have you been together OP?

I was not able to close my joint bank account down without XH present despite having no overdrafts (santander)

I would keep your nose out of this tbh. If you are going to get wound up by this kind of thing you probably shouldn't be marrying someone with responsibilities - his children won't go away and there will always be something.

Stay out of it? He will be my husband soon so its household income.

I must have missed why this issue is affecting your household income. If he is paying the amount stated in the Consent Order then that's all that matters.

abbsisspartacus · 17/02/2017 16:58

Area/arse

Also is he paying spousal support? Does that stop when he gets remarried?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:00

Thank you Bobbie that's more the reaction
Yes I know.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 17:00

I think it is a pretty fast turnaround to be getting married this year, to be fair.

That's different to just buying someone an engagement ring.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:01

No only if she marries again
Yes spousal support-she didn't really work. Only 2 years part time in 25 years

OP posts:
EightiethElement · 17/02/2017 17:01

I echo computerusers point.

ps, to be clear, I'm not criticising you because if this is your first engagement then you haven't moved on from a big life event with great alacrity. He is the one who has done that imo.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:01

Well yes-they had kind of lived in the same house but separate for years.

OP posts:
EightiethElement · 17/02/2017 17:02

Don't fall in to the trap of demonising her.

Having contempt for her is probably his gig

It is very difficult to get a job after being out of the job market.

PatMullins · 17/02/2017 17:04

When you say "there are reasons for the high amount", what are they?

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