To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

[Mrskeats]

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

Did you say you've never met her?

I don't think it's necessarily right asking for extra money, but what do we know of the bills she commited to whilst still married and her other possible circumstances? If she has MS or a similar condition then she's too sick to work, plus if she's been a SAHP for 25 yrs it's not as though she could just waltz into a job, and this doubt over her condition sounds very bitter. I don't believe they were "living separate lives", and how convenient that she divorced him two years ago..... and you've been together two years. Why do you begrudge the woman, who gave her life over to your boyfriend and their children, a comfortable existence?? My lovely ex bf from years ago had an ex wife and kids, he treated them so beautifully, and I found that one of his most attractive qualities. He didn't put her down, gave her the respect she deserved, supported their children, and made sure their lives weren't disrupted financially after they split up. He gave her full credit for holding it all together while he pursued his career. Also, I met her a few times, and she confirmed the whole amicable split/living like brother and sister before split story. They were both fine about splitting. This is not the case here. If she's struggling to move on, maybe there's a reason, do you truly know the nature of the break up? I don't know how you can talk about someone that you've never even met with such a mean spirited attitude. She deserves to be given what was promised, and if she is supporting the now grown up son, why shouldn't his father share that responsibility? I was off and away by 16, but I know many people that were really not ready or able to just be cut off from their parents. So, yes she should have filled in the forms, but people struggle to deal with benefits paperwork - and she wouldn't have had to deal with them when she was married. She's sick. Give the woman a break.

Yes so sick she spent a weekend traipsing around the ideal home exhibition
She sees her parents every day
Nothing in your answer is accurate it's a narrative you have invented mygorgeous
She in fact has only been ill the last 2 years
Before that she refused to work.
You have no idea of our situation. Why would she not have had to fill in a form when they were married? Genuinely puzzled.
My dps mum rang me yesterday to say thank you for giving me son back. He was so miserable for the last ten years. She has given him a dogs life and it's affected the children. The mum says she will never speak to her again. This is all their choice.
But obviously people who don't know us and her know best.
I realise it's against the grain on this site to say that women are horrible to their partners but it happens.
He fell once I their garden. She laughed and said get up it's not like the pain of childbirth.
He had actually chipped the bone and had to go to a and e the next day as he was in so much pain. I know a lot because his family have talked to me about how worried they were. But hey you lot always know best don't you?

And how can you be so mean spirited to a stranger who came on here for support?
Today was just another incident in a long line of incidents. I should have known better.

Thank you goose
At least you can see how it can be.

OP - if your DP wanted his name removed from bills then he could have done it himself - she is not solely responsible.

She can ask does not mean she will get.

You can be pissed off but he is also responsible

Mrskeats, you posted in AIBU, but refuse to acknowledge anything other than those agreeing with you. So I agree, what was the point of posting.

Ill people aren't confined to beds
You have never met, not spoken to her, so you are as bad as the strangers here, in that you're basing an opinion on biased people's word
You almost seem gloating when you say your boyfriend's mother slagged her off
You refuse to acknowledge that them being split up two years, you being involved almost immediately, and her illness being two years old, could be related

Yes, some women are complete bitches to their husbands - god knows I've met a few. But that's the difference. I've met them. I haven't slagged them off or moaned about them because of what someone else tells me.

If it all annoys you that much, ask your DP and his family to kindly refrain from discussing her, the finances, or the illness with you. And let them deal with it direct.

Quite you are quite right... I calculated using the wrong tax bracket

You didn't come on here for support, you wanted to bash your boyfriend's ex wife. What could anyone support you through? Apart from continuing to be bitter and angry towards someone you have never met, and only know about via people that it suits to put them down. You still don't make it clear why you don't want him to pay her maintenance. You say you have your own money and your own assets. He can afford it. What's the problem?! Illness = 2 years. Divorce = 2 years. Being with you = 2 years. Not connected at all. Not at all..... I suggest you meet her before continuing to just live with assumptions about her.

@Mrskeats sorry the first rule of mumsnet is if your OH is a divorcee, he's a shit. The ex wife can NEVER be fucking nuts 'difficult', it's your DP who's to blame, he probably was a crap husband and she's entirely normal and reasonable, no mwatter what she does!

We have a terrifying exW... terrifying because she keeps dragging us back to court for more £, every time DP gets a pay rise it's a "change in circumstance". £5k a month now 🤦‍♀️

And it's "his" problem, not yours, despite the fact that it's both of your assets and income and money that goes on the form 🙄

Anyway. Good luck dealing with it. Your only hope is the exW finds a new man, tbh and moves on!

Thanks icy
God that's awful.
Exactly.

Icy, my exHs partners information has nothing to do with my maintence. That rule changed many years ago, at least with respect to child maintence. The only impact was it going down when they had a subsequent child. Same as my information and wages etc aren't used in any calculations for DPs ex wife.

Many of us are second wives. And understand some can be difficult. But equally a lot of us have been first wives with exH who create whole new stories to their next families......

Are you reading what I put at all my?
I was objecting to an extra 750 not the original figure. Extra money as she's cocked up her benefits.

My ex's family where as abusive as my ex was so I'm pretty sure they would say horrible things about me but they also slag anyone not in there click. You can have ms and have good days and bad days doesn't mean she has to be confined to a bed or the house at all times. Your attitude about her illness which you don't know about or even met this lady is disgraceful and come out in your posts hence why mod time posters are disgusted by the way you talk about someone who you know nothing about.

If someone hadn't pointed out your dp's exwife MS you would never have mentioned it. And tbh ive never heard of someone having a diagnosis of MS and then it suddenly being in dispute and having more tests. Not an expert on this so happy to be corrected if I'm wrong. There are so many drip feeds about how awful she is added to pp pointing out that he had been separated for 2 years while you say you've been together for 2 years yet you categorically state you're not OW sorry op but I believe hardly a word of what you say.

and given the MS and probably being left after 20+ years for probably OW I find your use of the word "shenanigans" both hypocritical and distasteful

"This is really bizarre OP can't you see that?

How do you know what was said in mediation?
How do you know what your boyfriend's ex wife's bills are?
How do you know what her income is?
How do you know what her family are worth?
How do you know what her medical diagnosis is?
How do you know details of her communications with HMRC?"

"I saw the communications from the mediator"

A that was absolutely NONE of your business!

B as a pp said such a comment as 'very generous' is unprofessional and inappropriate and if true shouldn't have been made.

"If so do a poll about the percentage of his take home pay she gets otherwise the amount is meaningless as there is no context"

Exactly! A guy giving his ex 50% of his take home = £125 a week if he's on nmw is more generous than a guy paying £1000 who earns £3500 a week!!

"Yes so sick she spent a weekend traipsing around the ideal home exhibition
She sees her parents every day" as you don't see or speak to her HOW DO YOU KNOW? Because HE has told you this. He is NOT a reliable narrator of fact he has an agenda! The same applies to his mother.

In words of one syllable

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU ONLY HAVE HIS WORD FOR ANY OF IT

I'm also sceptical he'd be happy for you to meet her. I met my ex's now wife before she got involved as part of my dds life - court ordered. We went for a coffee, we both discovered A LOT of what my ex had been telling each of us was bullshit! One of the things was he tried to persuade her to refuse the meeting, that made her suspicious and she then INSISTED it go ahead. She brought her mum for support (fair enough) and her mum (my age, actually a couple years younger!) was nodding along and making comments like
'I TOLD you to check'

'see, you don't just accept what he says'

That she was fool enough to go ahead and marry him is her lookout.

Tax credits and benefits forms are a NIGHTMARE go and read some of the threads on THIS subject alone! The FACT that the MAJORITY of I think PIP claims that are declined are overturned on appeal, that severely disabled people are being told they're fit for work (I'm talking kids just turned 18 who are severely mentally and physically disabled to the point they can't FEED themselves, need FULL TIME CARE), that there's MASSIVE regional differences in who qualifies for certain benefits...it's a MESS!

And did you miss my link to MS info?

• problems with thinking, learning and planning

It can also affect eyesight up to and including blindness both temporary and permanent.

Even ME can affect concentration etc

• poor short-term memory and concentration, and difficulty organising thoughts and finding the right words ("brain fog")

You're being disablist on top of everything else!

Icy "every time DP gets a pay rise it's a "change in circumstance" " erm that IS a change in circumstance maintenance is calculated based on his income. If he and exw were going through Csa/cms he's supposed to tell THEM if he has a payrise and the maintenance is recalculated.

So when you were living with him without her knowledge, and living with him for well over a year without him being divorced - did she have MS then?

Oh for goodness sakes, the pp who suggested that the ms might make a big difference to my post, I don't agree, I do have a debilitating long term illness that affects my cognitive function and sorting out bills and things, but that's my problem , as I said the ex w still needs to woman up, her ex husband can't bail her out forever.

Op I'm sorry you are getting such a hard time. She sounds a nightmare.

Come on guys, give OP a break - I get the feeling her life with Mr Wonderful isn't turning out quite the way she had it all planned.

Schizophrenia and PTSD if anyone is wondering.

Sorry if you've already said, but how long after they split did you get together. Did you know them as a couple?

MsGame I think OP said in another thread that she had been with DP for two years. In this thread she says he left his wife 2 years ago.

There may have been an overlap, but that is because his wife didn't understand him or something...........

You've never seen or spoken to her.
You believe every thing he says. Good luck.
I wonder what sort of posts we'll be seeing from his next conquest.

No Happy I think any overlap was due to DP & ExW leading entirely separate lives whilst living together & he was taking care of all form filling & bill paying

In a different thread, OP talks about how they moved in together straight away etc. And his ex is batshit, obvs. Over a year later they were still not divorced and they couldn't quite tell the exw that they were actually living together cos, you know, that whole "she'll go all crazy" bollocks.

Even if the OP had a raging affair with the man the ex-wife is still the ex-wife and it would have no bearing on the financial split. Why oh why does mumsnet persist with the OW witch hunt? None of us have any damn clue whether this man's first marriage was a good one or crap. Whether the ExW is a nightmare or a saint, none.