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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

263 replies

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:33

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

OP posts:
GoosevonMoose · 17/02/2017 17:33

It will never end. It's not what you want to hear but it's true. You're all stuck together for bloody ever. It's just the way it is if he's a high earner. She's not ever going to make anything easy - ever. Lord knows what motivates her but there's years of history that didn't involve you and these things are never straight forward. We live this nightmare with DHs ex. Mumsnet doesn't particularly care for second wives for whatever reason. Budget for solicitors fees every year until they no longer have financial ties at all. Take a big breathe and try to not let it get to you.

Graphista · 17/02/2017 17:33

So she does have MS?

EightiethElement · 17/02/2017 17:33

The way to let go of resentment is through acceptance OP

Accept that this guy has a family already.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/02/2017 17:34

So, DP had already moved out of the family home before he entered into a relationship with you? That's what people are asking - because if not, it could go some way to explain DP's ex's current stalling behaviour.

In order for her to satisfy HMRC that she is no longer living with DP, she just needs to supply copies of the divorce papers (Decree Absolute if she has it) and DP's current address. That should do. It's perfectly normal for them to make checks on things like this.

£1900 does seem a generous amount of child maintenance but I suppose it's relative to DP's income.

RB68 · 17/02/2017 17:34

she already said she is not OW

fundamentally your DH needs to get her sorted if he wants her off your backs - how much her parents have is irrelevant. I suspect he wouldn't have earnt so much without her being home etc so maintenance level shouldn't be an issue it is kind of irrelevant as well.

I can understand you wanting to cut all ties and contact. But she will always be in the background esp if they also have kids.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:34

Ok I'm out
Every money query on here is greeted with it's all family money
Except for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:34

Yes he was in a company owned flat

OP posts:
RB68 · 17/02/2017 17:35

Solicitors should sign off on financials until all of this is done and confirmed either

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:35

I never said anything about cutting ties

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:36

It was all sorted
Then she didn't inform anyone as she said to solicitors she would

OP posts:
Graphista · 17/02/2017 17:36

You're stating what's going on with tax credits as fact, yet I'm guessing you have this 'info' as told to you by him? Because you haven't spoken to her and tax credits can't tell YOU anything

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/02/2017 17:36

Does she have MS? Which changes everything.

EightiethElement · 17/02/2017 17:37

Is he worth it OP?

If you had MS would he move on?

RB68 · 17/02/2017 17:37

Shouldn't.

It is all family money - she was part of his family and wants her fair share

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/02/2017 17:38

op information from a Solisitor is one of the bits of info you can supply to tax credits in order to support your claim as a seperated person.

TENSHI · 17/02/2017 17:38

What if she doesn't sell the house? I would definitely get to know her if I were you op.

You are taking your fiance's word on what she says but if she doesn't then you being married to him plus him having a joint account with her means she coud rack up bills on that which he (and through him, you)would be responsible for.

Why is he moving in with you? I woud change the deeds first if I were you so that it doesn't become a marital asset so that if anything happens the property goes to your dc directly.

You need to make sure your all assets are protected and would pass to your dc or you might find you are indirectly (through marriage to him) liable to pay for his dc's university/first homes/cars etc etc.

Get a solicitor to check that your financial position is watertight op and befriend the ex before you marry as you might discover things that aren't quite what they seem/or quite how he has led you to beieve.

Assuming she will sell up is another possible red flag...do you spot any others op? Grin

Snowflakes1122 · 17/02/2017 17:38

Yes, op is not the OW....just happened to have been together 2 years (seen previous thread) And it's 2 years since the split Hmm

I'm guessing this ex is probably being demonised by the DH here to try to make him look less of a bad guy for leaving.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 17:39

It doesn't matter if the MS is 'in dispute'.

It's one of the hardest things ever to diagnose, and often has to be done over many years, using a long process of elimination.

My MIL has MS and they had to slowly rule out 101 things, before cautiously diagnosing her eventually.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:41

They know think she may have something like ME they aren't sure now as she's improved a lot and is getting out more etc. We don't know.
This is why he pays extra
The parent comment was in relation to her suggestion that the children would starve
This would never be the case.
I've already said I am getting financial advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:41

Oh and he's giving her all the equity in return for his pensions
So she can buy a house outright

OP posts:
Graphista · 17/02/2017 17:43

And again...

I'll bet the MS being 'in dispute' has come from him.

Because what kind of a nasty shit would leave a wife of 2+ yrs recently diagnosed with a massively difficult debilitating LIFE LIMITING disability Angry

Notwhatiexpected · 17/02/2017 17:43

There always seems to be threads on here, where the OP has known her new DH for a very short time, but definitely knows the DH's personality completely, his ex wife (they were in a sexless/loveless marriage) who was with him for ages is the one in the wrong, and utterly unreasonable regarding money/time etc. And darling shiny DH is definitely being 100% truthful etc. Hmm

There should be a new version of the script written for second wives.

EmeraldScorn · 17/02/2017 17:44

£1900 a month, is that the legal requirement? Jesus I think that's excessive, her children are not going to starve unless she's spending it on luxuries for herself.

I don't have any advice sorry but good luck, I hope you sort it out soon and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/02/2017 17:44

Ex's MS diagnosis is in dispute? Is that right? That aside, I can't really see what more you personally can do TBH.

If the legal agreement is for DP to pay £1900 per month and he is doing that then she can't just keep demanding more because she's failed to send some paperwork off to HMRC. Well, she can, but DP is under no obligation whatsoever to comply.

FWIW (probably nothing at all), I do think 2 years is an incredibly short space of time in which to end one relationship (presumably a long one?), divorce, meet someone else & plan a wedding. If I was DP's ex I would probably be quite hurt at the speed in which he has moved on. Especially if my own future contained a serious life limiting illness (possibly). Bitterness could be making her a little less inclined to do as you wish. Understandably.

Graphista · 17/02/2017 17:46

'She's improved a lot'

MS can go in phases depending on the type, it can be a very variable condition on a number of factors (especially stress)

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Multiple-sclerosis/Pages/Introduction.aspx

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