To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

[Mrskeats]

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

[BubbleBed]

But to be fair Goosevonmouse, neither does the OP. She's never met, nor spoken to, the exwife. But is happy to vindicate her herself. And then get arsey when we don't all agree!

[Potentialpoochowner]

[Hermonie2016]

Op, I've been a 2nd wife and know not all women are saints, sometimes women refuse to acknowledge that other women can be unpleasant.

However for your own sake I think you need to meet the ex, ignore the bad stuff until you hear some balance.What do her children think is great about their mum?

Your dp would not have signed up to a deal he wasn't happy with..most likely it's a good enough deal without court imposing a settlement.
The house is not 'given' as she had to give up a pension so just accept that.

He choose this woman and lived with her for many years, at some stage he loved and respected her.She can't be all bad.

I hope he is taking some responsibility for the marriage ending...major red flag if he is not.My marriage is ending and I now see how my ex silently demonised his ex.It was never overt but just subtle, painting a negative picture of her whilst he was the good guy, doing everything he could.
I am on the receiving end of the "good guy" after 15 years and I can tell you it's shocked me.

Please just listen to some of the input here.
Your marriage feels super fast and that's a risk for you.

[Runningissimple]

I think you're being treated roughly on here op but I think that lots of us first wives can imagine the same being said about us...

Maybe she's a bitch, maybe she's not. 2 years after 25 years is bloody fast to move on and get engaged and get married. I'm 16 months out of a 22 year relationship (17 year marriage) and have just accepted that my decision to be celibate for the rest of my life was, perhaps, extreme

I get paid around £1700 a month maintenance. That's the CMS's calculation, not mine. I also work but my kids have had a huge drop in lifestyle because before the split, they had much, much more. I buy nothing for myself and all of the maintenance gets spent on the kids in terms of housing, food, school trips etc. He thinks I'm a money grabbing whore but sadly, I'm the whore who's raising his kids, so he can pay.


Also, if my ex decides to stop paying at 18, our kids will really suffer. It's not generous for him to support them through uni. It's certainly not generous to me but it is his fucking responsibility as a parent. I will pay too.

I imagine his new girlfriend thinks I'm the devil incarnate. They got together after he'd ended the marriage- he'd just neglected to let me know. Poor petal, he'd been miserable for years because I'm am an ice cold, frigid, controlling, money grabbing, bitch-queen dontcha know?

I don't quite understand why you have a problem with her. All she's doing is asking him for more money. He can say no if it's as unreasonable as you think it is. She'll just have to deal with it.

She sounds like she's a mess, though and you're probably going to be dealing with her for years to come. I'd detach. Oh and there's no way I'd marry into this fiasco. The writing really is on the wall.

[Redactio]

OP not back then?

[Runningissimple]

[workingmumsarebad]

Goose - the husband made the choice to cheat and most of us who have been in that position have our views, anger , wrath etc at said person.

However, the sanctimonious mumsnet view that comes out, of you should not be angry with the OW, it is your DP who did this - is quite frankly bollocks. They are both culpable.

When the OW, is a friend and knows exactly what they are doing and the effects this is going to have then I think most Exs have a different view of such a low life piece of scum!

Not all first wives are perfect, not all second wives are evil and vice versa. Just remember the twunt in the middle is good at lying to all concerned!

[GoosevonMoose]

We have no idea if he cheated or not! None! The OP stated she wasn't the OW yet posters are obsessed with tagging her with that label. And even if she was I don't see it as relevant.

[SuiteHarmony]

For the purposes of your poll, i get a whopping ~£6k per month from ExH for child and spousal maintenance (4 kids >11, SAHM for ten years, now earring £22k a year). And he pays the mortgage, and I pay the interest.

This allows us to live extremely comfortably, sign up to lots of activities, and I have built substantial savings over the last two years.

For context: It equates to about 10% of his nett income as he is a very high earner. He offsets his maximum pension contributions against his tax (which of course is prudent).

It's all relative. OP, you need to ignore the numbers. He has consented to this order. You can't think about family money in this circumstance. It is great that you seem to be financially secure independent of your new partner. But presumably this is in part due to the agreement you yourself agreed in your own divorce. I accept it is frustrating about active accounts and shared tax credits, but you must accept that marital breakup does not follow one template, and it is not your breakup, financially, emotionally or otherwise.

[Mrskeats]

10% is not really comparable to 40% and extras is it?
And it's never enough.

[mygorgeousmilo]

As pp have said repeatedly, it was agreed by him. That's what she gets. Are you going to address the whole 'being with him while they were still married and also not telling her you were living together' bs?? Or the fact that you've never met her but are conveniently being nasty about her disability?!

[HelenaGWells]

If she doesn't fill her forms in it's her problem not yours. If there are joint accounts to close either party should be able to do this. Any bills he is on he should be able to call the companies and remove himself. The joint account he needs to say to her you close it or I do.

[Pericombobulations]

I know this wont make any difference, but I was diagnosed with MS 5 months ago. The MS didnt start the minute I got diagnosed, its been rumbling along for years before I got the point of having any physical symptoms.

Thats it. There is no talk of misdiagnosis, they only diagnose MS once everything else is ruled out, trust me, Ive been there. Her diagnosis wont be "downgraded", they will have ruled out ME prior to the MS. She will have had MRI's or even Lumbar Punctures to get to this point. They can not be faked. Nor, according to the NHS, can MS be diagnosed without one or other of these tests.

Im a PA, once a damn good one. But already my cognitive and decision making is struggling. My memory, once brilliant, is already failing. Remembering to renew insurance this last month, normally done as soon as the reminders arrive, have taken until the day before they run out to actually be done. My writing and typing have already got worse.

Its the nature of MS.

As for going out for the weekend. We have good days, we have bad. I was out last night with friends. I'm bloody paying for it this morning (hangover feeling yet I cant drink)

Yes the Ex Wife may be money grabbing asking for more, but FFS she is now dealing with having her life turned upside down and the man she was hoping to support her new life, has walked out. I would happily give up all the money to not have this awful diagnosis.

Every hospital letter I have received makes note of the fact my husband attends with me. This isnt a niceity, its because they are pointing out, I have a carer for when my health declines. She now doesnt. It makes a world of a difference. There are some days, I struggle to get out of bed. I am in constant, current low grade pain. You imagine that for one moment.