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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

263 replies

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:33

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/02/2017 17:46

Oh and he's giving her all the equity in return for his pensions
So she can buy a house outright

You'll probably find that's her legal right. Not a generous gift.

If he's a high earner his pensions are likely to be pretty valuable.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/02/2017 17:47

There should be a new version of the script written for second wives

You're not kidding Notwhatiexpected!

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:48

I just don't understand why anyone would lose a big chunk of income by not filling a form in

OP posts:
BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 17:48

Notwhatiexpected there totally should be a script!! I thought exH was reasonable and fair, until I found out four years later he had made up so many lies about me kicking him out to cover his own back of being a spineless immature twat at the time. My divorce petition being granted for the reasons it was showed everyone his lies. Not sure he ever forgave me for telling the truth to his mother.....

Graphista · 17/02/2017 17:49

As for 'family money' HIS KIDS are his family, at the moment you're not.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 17:49

Maybe she was never the one to do the forms or money in the 25 years they were married OP. Maybe she didn't realise the repercussions. Maybe she is struggling with an illness and a divorce to do everything fully, and she made a mistake by not filling the form in right. God knows tax credits and benefits forms aren't the easiest to know whether you're coming or going.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:50

The mediator said the offer was very generous

OP posts:
CallMeMaybe · 17/02/2017 17:50

No it's not family money. The arrangement was in place before you came on the scene, you getting involved with him doesn't change that.

I suspect that the reason she gets spousal maintenance, aside from her illness which you conveniently didn't mention, is the fact that she put her own career on hold in order to bring up their children while he forged ahead and made a name for himself earning the kind of money which means he now has to pay her £1900 a month.

Graphista · 17/02/2017 17:51

Tax credits are murder for this! Took me a year to get sorted with them after my divorce.

Did YOU actually hear the mediator say that or is that what HE told you?

TENSHI · 17/02/2017 17:51

I really don't understand how second wives to be can be so lacking in curiosity regarding the former spouse/s of their new partner.

Especially if they have dc.

A CRB check for starters or if not applicable the equivalent/Claire's law is it called?

She divorced him you say. What was the reason?

PatMullins · 17/02/2017 17:53

🙄

Notwhatiexpected · 17/02/2017 17:53

I would recommend speaking to the woman who knew your soon to be husband intimately for 20 years, hear what she had to say before slagging her off on a forum.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 17:56

No the arrangement was made last July as I have stated several times.
She has never had a career really. Why does everyone make assumptions?
I will be family though won't I?
Dp has rung me as he has spoken to tax credits and he will provide the evidence even though it should be her as it's her claim.
They have written to her six times

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 17:57

The Mediator would not have said whether an offer was generous or not. They are not allowed to!

You believe that the offer was generous the same way you believe he is "giving" her the equity rather than she is receiving the equity (half of which was hers anyway) in exchange to relinquish a claim over his pension (half of which she was entitled to anyway.

In cases where there are children and the stay at home spouse (whether husband or wife) has given up work to raise kids and run the household invariably the starting point is not even at a 50/50 split but sometimes as high as a 70/30 split to reflect their lowing earning potential/lower borrowing potential/ to ensure the family is rehoused adequately etc. It is likely in the case whether the wife has MS (disputed by someone who doesn't want to pay what is due!) that the split would be at the top end.

To give yourself peace of mind you do really need to let it go as to how much she got in her divorce settlement.

It is infuriating that she hasn't dealt with "paperwork" but (a) she is ill (B) she is dealing with the breakdown of her 25 year marriage and (c) very likely is depressed and trying to hold it together.

But heyho she is not dancing to your tune so she must be a real biatch!

parking2017 · 17/02/2017 17:58

I divorced my ex and didn't need him to close the accounts

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 17:59

It doesn't matter if she never had a career. She gave 25 years of her life during which time she might have built a career or worked to enable her to provide an income. She did that with his agreement at least and that is why provision has been made to provide her with a share of his.

parking2017 · 17/02/2017 18:00

I don't think it's fast either

I'm getting married again and having a baby and buying a house with my dp after the official divorce only coming through in September

I don't give a crap if some people turn their noses up at it as it's none of their business and I'm happy
(Finally!)

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2017 18:00

I just don't understand why anyone would lose a big chunk of income by not filling a form in

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:01

The mumsnet mantra
First wives are angels who did nothing wrong
Second wives are bitches and evil stepmothers
Even though I've been helping my stepson with his course work all week
Thanks to those who posted helpful stuff

OP posts:
PatMullins · 17/02/2017 18:02

Yes dear, that's exactly what's been said.

Notwhatiexpected · 17/02/2017 18:04

No OP, that is not what is being said.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:04

Good for you parking
Genuinely

OP posts:
NaiceBiscuits · 17/02/2017 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleMinionMummy · 17/02/2017 18:07

Why does it matter to you if she's losing out on income? Her tax credits are nothing to do with you or your dp. I doubt she even got any when they lived together anyway and its her issue to sort out. Neither you nor dp need to have any involvement in it.

TENSHI · 17/02/2017 18:07

Op can you see the red flag bunting now with your dp's face plastered all over it?

You have nothing to lose by befriending her and finding out the true character of your fiance.

If he goes white with panic at the suggestion or gets defensive or angry then that will tell you a lot.

Do your independent objective research on him before you marry op, you have been warned!