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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

263 replies

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:33

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:08

She doesn't know about the wedding yet
You don't know about any of my troubles

OP posts:
PatMullins · 17/02/2017 18:09

I'd be interested in her version of events.

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 18:10

Wrong Mrskeats

I am actually a second wife but I do not begrudge monies my DH's ex received as part of the divorce or any ongoing maintenance. That was in place before me! That is how it is.

I too have helped my DSS with his homework over the years and my DH does pay for his uni accommodation and allowance because the loan amounts are too low to cover it. This was not part of any court order. Do you know what? I don't begrudge that either. He is his child.

You do need to work out in your head that she is not taking something of his but something that is hers.

The admin stuff is an annoyance and hopefully it will get sorted but she sounds like she needs help and may be in a bad place. You are doing yourself no favours on here by bashing her.

I hope you do take on board the advice about when you get together with a previously married man they do come as a package with the "financial settlement" they made and their children. Once you can get your head round that then you will find yourself more at peace.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:10

He is happy for me too meet her
Anyway I give up
Maybe I will sell my house and give her that too on top of the half a million he has given her
Then you will all be happy

OP posts:
witsender · 17/02/2017 18:10

25 years down you might understand slightly more where they're at.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:11

I got divorced after 23 years

OP posts:
witsender · 17/02/2017 18:11

You are speaking as if she was some flash in the pan after his money, as against his long term spouse, mother of his children.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 18:12

Actually what most people on here are advising is the complete opposite OP, and advising that you ensure your property is safe.

But that's not as easy to be flouncey at

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 18:12

Once again Mrskeats he hasn't "given" her anything.

PatMullins · 17/02/2017 18:13

It sounds like you'll only be happy if he didn't have to pay her a penny to be honest.

LucklessMonster · 17/02/2017 18:13

The mumsnet mantra

You do realise you're coming out with the second wife mantra?

Husband is a perfect angel. Ex-wife is a lazy, benefits-claiming bitch who refuses to work. Added bonus that she's faking an illness.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 18:13

Did you give up a career in your marriage though? Do you have a life altering illness? Do you think maybe you're judging his ex wife on the "I did it this way, why can't she"?

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 18:14

He's only 'giving' her what is rightfully hers for goodness sake.

I suppose you left your 23 year marriage with just a sandwich, slung over your shoulder in a nap sack?

NaiceBiscuits · 17/02/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 17/02/2017 18:16

What purpleminnion said. If she isn't taking as ouch as she could, what's it to you?
This all sounds like a far bigger problem with your OH, not his ex. If he needs his name removed from the bills, he needs to call them. But you say he's paying all her bills so I'd hazard a guess that that's why he's still named on them.
I think you guys need to talk about all this a bit more openly because none of it quite adds up.

TENSHI · 17/02/2017 18:17

It's your lack of empathy and your lack of curiosity about why she divorced him/ his true character and willingness to take all he says as gospel which is worrying op.

You haven't been told the true facts by him and posters have pointed that out to you but instead of questioning him you'd rather have a go at anonymous posters who are trying to help you see beyond your rose tinted myopia.

You'd rather bash her on here rather than get to know her in real life. What does that say about you op?

You sound as if you deserve each other actually so Wine to your happy nuptials! Hmm

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:18

He's giving her more than he's legally obliged to as I've stated several times.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 17/02/2017 18:19

Bobbie - my thought exactly.

NaiceBiscuits · 17/02/2017 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:20

Thanks tenshi
Don't you sound lovely
It must be great being so perfect and sanctimonious

OP posts:
user1486334704 · 17/02/2017 18:21

As usual the 'bitter second wife haters' on MN don't focus upon the question being posed, but focus upon the speed at which the OP's Fiancé found happiness with someone else....

Yawn

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:21

What he pays covers all her bills and more

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 17/02/2017 18:21

A quick search of your previous posts shows your frustration with his lack of sorting his divorce and dealing with his ex. This seems to be a recurring theme. His ex and his children are always going to be there. I think you need to have a really good think about whether this is what you want out of this marriage and whether you're both on the same page about it.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:22

Yes I've said they have a consent order

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:23

She wanted an extra 750 per month to cover the lost tax credits
Dp has sorted it hopefully by sending all the relevant info this afternoon

OP posts: