To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

[Mrskeats]

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

[BubbleBed]

Of course they had lived separate lives for years....

How long have you been with him OP? And did he go straight from marital home to yours? And I'm guessing you're quite a bit younger?

[EightiethElement]

How much older is this guy than you? Are you certain you're not selling yourself short here?

[PatMullins]

You read my mind, BubbleBed.

[Mrskeats]

I'm not demonising her. Do any of you lot get just shy of 2 grand a month maintenance? He also still pays child support for his son who is over 18 and he doesn't have to.

[Mrskeats]

He's a year older than me.
No he's a great person. My children and family really like him and his family is fab too.

[TENSHI]

Since you are marrying this man with dc why don't you try and forge an amicable relationship with his ex so that you can at least meet the mother of his dc who will be regularly in your lives?

Then you can ask her yourself?

[DrivingMeBonkers]

The account CANNOT be closed unless there is an agreement between the holding parties on how the assets within the account will be divided. Or repaid, if in overdraft.

I just looked up the BBA advice on this, however, it's a PDF, therefore, I can't link it.

[Mrskeats]

Well I'm game to meet her. I will talk to anyone :))

[Mrskeats]

OK well he's going to see his son for a uni visit tomorrow so he can broach that again.
Thanks driving

[nokidshere]

2 years is not that quick especially if the relationship broke down before that.

I really don't get people who say it's none of your business, of course it is. Marrying him means knowing what you are getting yourself into and what the financial implications on your life will be. Only with full disclosure can you make a properly informed decision.

Personally I would never marry someone who has a financial contribution in someone else's life, but if I did I would want to know exactly how that would impact on our new life.

[Headunderthecovers]

He can take his name off the account and change it to her sole name.
He should ring the utility companies and take his name off the accounts as they are now divorced. He can just cancel them, if they were originally set in his name -giving her notice - and she will have to reset them up in her name.

Surely she can just send a copy of her decree absolute (why does she still have a solicitor if they are fully divorced?) to the tax office.

If the divorce has been finalised within the last year then maintenance is under a court order - unless she goes to the CSA for reassessment. If there are specific bills relating to the children, such as school trips he wants to help with he needs to be specific with these as an extra.

Your partner isn't doing what he can do on his side.

[EightiethElement]

i get a thousand a month from my x for two kids but we weren't married. The kids cost me a fortune. phone credit, hollister hoodies, zumba, drama, chess, coding, food, endless food, more food. And that's before you've taken in to account that it has been hard for me to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. I was working full time until recently and only coming out with 300 a week but I did it because it was close to the kids.
in fairness to my x, having had them for weeks here and there he knows that they are black holes for money.

[abbsisspartacus]

Rude and lacking in class?

See you on the relationships board soon OP

[theDudesmummy]

Not sure why the speed has anything to do with it. I got remarried less than two years after leaving my first husband, and within just days of getting my decree nisi.

[Pineapplemilkshake]

I think you should be careful re your assets, particularly when he has financial ties elsewhere.

You said you regard your house as "ours." So what happens when you are married if he dies - are you happy for his DC to get part of the house as their inheritance etc? Could his ex wife make a claim on his estate to make up for a loss of maintenance? Sorry to bring up something like that, but I think you really need to consider all possibilities.

[Mrskeats]

I hear what you are saying nokids
The agreement is that she will sell the house next year when the oldest goes to uni and buy a new one outright with the equity so his payments will reduce and she has security.
He has taken on my kids too

[EightiethElement]

And the thing is, his children are here now, we could all go round all day telling you about school trips, voluntary contributions, orthodontist expenses............ but he's never going to be able to re-write history. they're here now. is this really what you want? A man who is either 1) decent generous responsible to his children - which will impact upon your joint disposable income, or 2) a man who is tightfisted and lets his children grow up on a shoe string so that he and new partner can have disposable income and start a new family?

[Graphista]

If it's a JOINT online account and you're saying SHE can close it solo then why can't HE?

They were married/together 25 years and yet less than 2 years after split you're getting married, yes that's bloody fast! What's the hurry?

Gotta admit I'm also wondering if you were OW and that's why emotions are so heightened on both sides?

My ex swore blind to OW/his now wife that:

I was delaying divorce

I was the one delaying the financial settlement

He was paying maintenance

I was withholding dd from seeing him

NONE of that was true so just remember you're only getting HIS version

[Mrskeats]

We have agreed that once he is off the joint mortgage with the ex and the house is sold we will get a small mortgage and move.
My equity will be for my kids in my will.
Any profit can be for his kids. They will also be entitled to the exs house.
I am going to get a new will and get that all sorted.
My ex husband also has provision for my kids.

[Mrskeats]

I know what you mean graphista but all she is doing is reducing her own income. He pays all her bills.
I see the amount go out.

[nokidshere]

eightieth. The op is a parent already it's not like she doesn't know how much they cost is it? I don't see anywhere where she says she doesn't want him to pay, just that it does all need to be finalised once and for all.

[Mrskeats]

I thought they both had to fill in an online form

[Mrskeats]

With all she gets she has 4 grand net a month.
That's not a shoestring.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

So basically she gave up work to raise his family, presumably with his agreement. If he is paying her £1900 in child support and spousal maintenance it is because he was a very high earner and she had the lifestyle that went with that.

Why not think about what she has had to change? She probably has had a massive change in her lifestyle from what it was like when she was married and in effect all of his income was joint income.

Good for him that he is paying to support his child who has turned 18. I realise not all fathers do this but I am glad he still sees it as much his responsibility as his ex- wife's. He clearly loves his chidren whereas you see them as a financial burden.

Your post does sound very much as though its sour grapes, taking £1900 away from what would be your household income! That £1,900 is not available as part of your household income so just think of him earning X- £1900 as to what his income is!

It is for HIM to deal with not you.

[Snowflakes1122]

Well yes-they had kind of lived in the same house but separate for years.

That's the old classic line men give to the other woman.