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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

346 replies

PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:42

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/02/2017 14:44

Pack him a bag and send him to his dads. He may need a dose of reality chucking over him.

creampinkrose · 17/02/2017 14:45

Well, you're not being unreasonable with the general gist at all.

I agree with both of you, if that isn't too odd a statement :) I think he's being extremely entitled, lazy, spoiled and annoying - but then, he's a teenager, so I wouldn't honestly worry too much about that.

Where he may just be being reasonable is feeling hard done too, if you, your husband and husbands children are being supported, and he is not.

I did something similar with my dad at that age. I'm not proud of it but I was 'asking' for proof I was loved.

JoanofNark17 · 17/02/2017 14:45

If he's not attending college he probably won't get into university anyway, so no worries!

TitaniasCloset · 17/02/2017 14:46

Yanbu. I have had similar problems with my Dd. Also, he has a dad! Why is all the stress being left to you, while his dad gets to swan about only worried about himself?

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 14:46

I'd pack him off to his dad's.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:47

Just to add, he wasn't born into a well of family. I never had money given to me once I reached 16, I certainly wouldn't have been supported financially through university. DH is the same, brought up on council estate, no financial support from parents - everything we have we have worked for with no handouts. Neither of us are from the type of family that "saves for kids university" etc ... we have 4 kids between us, we'd never be able to afford to do it for all of them so how can we do it just for one??

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/02/2017 14:48

If you live in the U.K. there are no grants for university anyway. It's all loans and he will still be able to get a proportion of loan whatever the household income. Tell him to look it up properly on the government website Wink

livefornaps · 17/02/2017 14:49

What is his day-to-day like (or what is it supposed to look like?)

I wouldn't say anything to him re. your partner's other children. It is likely to spark a huge row, and already (understandably) it sounds like you are beginning to crack.

Tell him calmy that there will be no discussion of the future/handouts at all until he has sorted out his pit & laid out carefully what he plans to do, where, and how he will do it. Say you are ready to be supportive and help him make choices once he is ready to talk about what he is willing to do (rather than what you will do for him). Until then, only provide the bare minimum (busfare, food). Above all remain calm & firm!!! Do not be seen to be "nagging" just stand your ground.

creampinkrose · 17/02/2017 14:49

In fairness Pissy, you would have had a grant.

I'm not saying your son is being remotely reasonable here, but just the same, your son is correct that your income is taken into account.

Yes, he's being a lazy, entitled pain in the arse, but he's 17. It's what they do!

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:50

We've not given money to any of the kids - apart from maintenance payments to his kids until they were 20 years old.

We pay for DS's mobile phone and give him clothes money etc but other than that I think he needs to get a job! He gets more out of us than any of the other kids. He's the only one that has a phone contract paid for him for example.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 14:50

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

He might not be thrilled, but the government does expect him to support your ds through university, and the amount that your ds will be allowed to borrow will be calculated on the basis of your household income. Unless he can demonstrate that he is "estranged" from his family, which he clearly isn't.

YANBU to be fed up with his bad attitude at all, but YABU to complain about his university funding. It doesn't matter if your DH is not his dad, I'm afraid.

I know that your ds won't ask his dad for help, but could you ask him to contribute?

Katy07 · 17/02/2017 14:50

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.
And you will be supportive. You'll say 'Son, I think you have definitely made the right decision and I know you'll find a job and support yourself. I have so much faith in your abilities, you're a wonderful son, and do let me know how you get on' And then you wave him off with a big smile Grin
But you might want to read Joan's comment to him!

creampinkrose · 17/02/2017 14:51

Well, he was working at the newsagents and that ended, presumably through no fault of his own.

Then he had a Christmas job.

It doesn't sound as if he's necessarily work-adverse. But if university is soon he must have important exams looming. Is he stressed about them?

barinatxe · 17/02/2017 14:52

If your (or your partner's) income affects his ability to obtain a grant or funding for university, then yes of course you would be being grossly unreasonable not to help him. The whole point of the assessment for grants is that they are given to people who have no other source of income. If your parent or step-parent can afford to pay, the system expects them to.

Of course he's got a shitty attitude, he's a teenager. Of course his room is a tip, he's a teenager. Of course he's got unrealistic expectations around things like moving out, he's a teenager.

To be frank, considering he has had a couple of jobs already, before even reaching 18, this suggests he has done much more in terms of earning money for himself than most children of his age.

By the way, why would your husband not support him at university? When he took you on he took your son on too?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 14:53

i thought no one got grants for uni now? Just loans. If you are earning too much for him to access a sufficient loan to put himself through Uni, then you need to help him out to be honest. Depending on his course, there may not be enough hours for him to study and earn.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:57

I can't afford to support him through uni. I work part time and still have a younger DS here as well as a mortgage and everything else.

DH is on a good wage yes, but we are not at all loaded and I don't feel it fair to tell DH that he now must pay for my son to get through uni. He's known him 5 years.

In all honesty, DH and I have worked very hard to get where we are and I don't feel like we should just agree to support DS with thousands of pounds like this - especially when his attitude towards us stinks. He constantly comes up with comments such as "oh so you can afford a dog but can't afford to get my driving lessons?" "Oh do you can afford a holiday but can't afford to give me a deposit for a flat?" Etc etc ...

I feel myself getting very, very tired of him and I feel awful about it.

OP posts:
Motherofhowmany · 17/02/2017 14:59

But how do you expect him to be able to fund himself through university op? Even with a loan and a part time job he will be on very little.

Trifleorbust · 17/02/2017 15:01

He sounds like a lazy pain in the arse. So do many teenagers.

What I find a bit Hmm here is that you appear to be happy to live off your DH's income but you don't think he has any responsibility towards your son. In that case I fail to understand why you married him and became financially dependent on him.

Your son needs a sharp kick up the backside, yes, but please don't live off your DH yourself and pull the ladder up behind you when it comes to your DS.

Trifleorbust · 17/02/2017 15:01

Although with all of that said, he sounds awful. Treat him like the other children in the marriage though.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 15:01

Honestly if he's not spent the past two years constantly nattering me for money I might not be so worn out with it but it has literally been CONSTANT. "I need £20 for this, I need £30 for that, did you buy Henry a McDonald's last week??? If so you now owe me £5 ... "how much did that weekend away cost? Thought you were skint ... "

It's tiresome and is causing so much resentment between me and DH. We feel like we're not allowed to enjoy ourselves with money we earn as DS is constantly monitoring us. His father encourages his attitude.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 17/02/2017 15:02

I can't afford to support him through uni. I work part time and still have a younger DS here as well as a mortgage and everything else. DH is on a good wage yes, but we are not at all loaded and I don't feel it fair to tell DH that he now must pay for my son to get through uni

Fair or not they do take parental income into account when working out support. But I thought grants all replaced by loans these days in the UK unless it affects paying fees.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 15:02

I can't believe they're expecting a step dad to pay for him to go to uni! That's fucking ridiculous! Shouldn't it be your income and that of his father? Tell him to ask his dad for all these handouts and if doesn't ask him, that's his lookout.

Motherofhowmany · 17/02/2017 15:03

He's 17 of course he's going to be constantly pestering you for money it's what they do.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 15:06

Presumably the maintenance that went to his girls until they were 20 came out of your household budget though? So you have helped to support them.

I dunno, I just think children are your responsibility until they establish themselves. I honestly can't imagine having a holiday but giving my kid nothing for uni. Yes his attitude is not good but he is a teenager and a harder working one than most by the sounds of it. You should be proud of that.

It would be very harsh to be unable to go to uni because your parents wouldn't help you.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 15:06

I was working full time but DH and I decided I would drop to part time as we were struggling to manage the house etc. I now work part time.

I'm not living off my husband and pulling the ladder from DS - I'm merely saying there are 4 of them, he isn't the only one and we simply can't afford to throw money at them all. When his son asked us to pay for a new car we said no for the same reasons. There are 4 of them! £4K becomes £16k in that case.

He doesn't have to go to uni, it isn't a requirement and if he does, I feel he should get a job and support himself through it with minimal support from BOTH his parents. Not just 100% support from ME

OP posts: