For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

which is normally met with "in almost 18, I can do what I want!
I remember trying that line with mum once.
The reply was ' well your not 18 and even if you were i pay the bloody mortgage so move NOW!*

i also remember mum asking me to do something grown up, i can't remember what, saying ' you're nearly 12' yet when i asked to stop out later to plsy one night i was told that i was only 11. I did pull mum up on it and it still makes me smile 40 years later!
Nothing to do with the post sorry, but it just reminded me!

Whathaveilost - I've had similar conversations with DS 😁

"Get to college!"
"I'm nearly 18 I can do what I like!"
"Get a job!"
"I can't! I'm only 17!" 😂

YANBU about not being a general cash machine and in wanting him to sort his room and his attitude to you out.

YAB totally U about supporting through uni though. Wtf would you marry and drop to part-time work if you knew in doing so your son would 1. be entitled to a smaller loan 2. get less support from you?

I agree with this, though I think the first point is the more important one. I'd have a word with him to the effect that what you do with your money (and what you give him) is at your discretion, and he'll be getting sweet FA if the backchat / "you took Bob to McD's, you owe me a fiver" nonsense continues.

If he works out what he needs to live on at uni and if he bucks up on college attendance and if his grades warrant it, then you can have an adult conversation about how you can support him at uni - whether that be accommodation, some money, a weekly grocery shop or whatever.

'Not everyone can afford to go to university.
It seems to be only on MN that people don't understand that.'

This. My DD is planning to go into the RAF. But on MN you're supposed to fully fund someone till they're in late adulthood. And FWIW, with so many people gaining degrees these days, work experience at uni can go a long way to getting a good job upon graduation.

Your son needs to move in with his dad.

'Wtf would you marry and drop to part-time work if you knew in doing so your son would 1. be entitled to a smaller loan 2. get less support from you?'

Gees, she has another child. Maybe she married the father of that child because, as banged on about on MN, marriage confers important legal rights. So we're all supposed to re-arrange our lives so we can always fully fund our adult children?

This point may be entirely moot because if he's not bothering to go to college the chances of his going to uni are slim, and FWIW, he doesn't sound mature for uni.

Yes send him to his dad, hope you have to pay for his keep for the next six months and lose CB. What a miserable attitude you have. If you want to know why he has attitude have a look in the mirror.

My parents couldn't afford to put us through Uni either. My Mother didn't contribute at all. My Dad however popped £20 - £30 in my bank fortnightly, when I came back home bought a few essentials I needed. He never told me he was going to do this but did it anyway - it was always a nice surprise not an expectation. I also had a part time job whilst I was away at Uni, (the Uni can help with part time jobs) most of the other students did too - its not just to earn some extra money but it also gives you a good social activity too.
I would say you defo need to stop the handouts, and I agree with some of the other posts that you need him to start thinking about his own future!

It seems on Mumsnet the consensus is that parents should fund their adult children's choices, even going as far as giving large sums for deposits on first homes etc.

That's not real life though for the majority of people, the simple truth is that most families can not afford to subsidise the cost of adults going out into the big bad world and nor should they be expected to in my opinion.

I will likely be alone in my sentiments but I think it is very wrong for parents to give hand outs to their grown children; My parents didn't have any financial help from their parents, but they managed to have a home and raise a family by working.

Going to university isn't a right, it's a luxury that a lot of people can not afford, there's no shame in that and I don't think any parent should be criticised for not being able/willing to be an open ended cash cow.

My mum would literally give me her last penny but you know what? I would never accept it and my siblings are the same; If we want something, we pay for it ourselves, whether it's weddings or houses! (Although of course we exchange gifts at times like birthdays).

We're working class and place value on self respect and hard work; We don't need to rely on the chequebook of mummy and daddy because we don't have a sense of entitlement (unlike far too many people on MN).

It's perfectly fine to give an adult child a couple of pound here and there if they're studying but the mentality of paying for everything is ridiculous. I'd be embarrassed and ashamed if I had taken excessive amounts from my mum.

OP; Your son sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder and you're right you shouldn't be agreeing to pay for his entire adult education expenses but I would think that if he manages to get to university that you could help him with a small amount every month providing that he also gets a job.... By small amount I'm talking maybe £100 - £150 (If you can afford it).

OP - YANBU about the day to day situation.

However, the student loan situation is potentially more difficult. You chose to marry your DH. Your DS did not choose to do that. Your choice has meant that your DS has potentially inadequate financing available for university because the income of the man who you took into your family is taken into account on the basis that you will both support him.

Be angry at the student loans system (and I agree that it is an unfair situation if the stepparent is refusing to support their stepchild). But it is hardly your son's fault that he is in this situation because of your choice to be with another man. I think you and his stepfather should be doing all you can to help him through university, at least to the extent that your DS is disadvantaged by your own choices.

OP if you have enough money for a holiday and weekends away then presumably you have a decent chunk towards that £2k your son will need.

MrsDeVere yes you can earn a decent wage without going to university but it much harder to get to the top (or even the middle to be honest) without a degree. And the government are pushing for things like police officer and prison officer jobs to become degree entry. It is only going to get more difficult without one.

Though when I talked about "standing on your feet with a shitty job at 18" I was in fact referring to prioritising working over studying for Alevels. Because you can bet that not many of the privately educated kids with a raft of As and A*s, who bag the best uni places, will be combining their studies with a part time job. If you want to make it easy for your kid to do well at A level you don't insist they get a job at this stage of college.

I'd also explain that as DH isn't his dad, he already has one of those, money from DStepD is not a right whatever the injustice of that might be. And that DH actually has a right to say who spends his cash on what.

That's all very well, but it doesn't change the fact that the step-dad's income is the only reason why the OP's ds can't get a full student loan. I imagine it would therefore be little comfort to be told that he has no right to expect anything from his step-dad.

If the OP and her DH genuinely couldn't afford to help, then I think that would be a different matter, but the OP has made it pretty clear that her DH wouldn't want to help and that she wouldn't want to piss him off by asking. And as they have a big house and big holidays, they don't sound short of a bob or two.

And to those saying that going to university isn't a right...no, you're right, it's not. However, I have always assumed that most parents would want to give their kids the best start in life if they can.

Threads like this are always interesting to me, as you get such a clear insight into other people's value systems.

OP does his dad pay maintenance?

Surely he has as much of a moral obligation to pay towards his sons university costs as his mother and stepfather.

If he wants to go to Uni he can pay for it. I had to. My parents were well-off enough to support my brother - "he needs a leg up! He's not as bright as you!" - so I got the loans and the debt and he got an expensive phone, driving lessons, a degree, a shiny career, his rent paid...

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. He can just pay for it himself. The days of parents paying for Uni are long gone anyway. When it was £9000, maybe. Now it's well into 5 figures, nope, nooooope.

Also, yes, stand your ground. If he isn't going to clean he doesn't get pocket money. He can find a job.

I agree that there is a moral obligation on the father to contribute as well.

Sadly, this kind of thing probably just repeats itself, generation after generation. There is no way that I would be in the position that I'm in today had my parents left me to sort myself out at 18. Thankfully, they didn't, and I'm now in a position to help my daughter when the time comes. It's a vicious circle, I guess.

To be honest, I doubt whether university is going to be an option for him if he doesn't go in to college. Surely his predicted grades are low? In my (teaching A level) experience, students who skive off college don't do much when they're in college, because they don't know what's going on in class.

He needs to get a job - it would give him some routine and structure, give him a boss that he wouldn't be able to cheek back, give him some money, get him out of your hair and give him some life skills. He should be asking his own dad for money if he has to, not your husband. You need to worry less about upsetting him and practise some tough love, I think.

If he can't be bothered to get out of bed for college to get the qualifications he needs for uni even with his mum trying to get him up what the hell will he do at uni? Maybe expect the tutors to stop by and get him up? Maybe just give him good grades just for existing? Post them to him if he can't be arsed to go to lectures?

Doesn't seem like he has a clue what he will be expected to do at uni.

He needs a reality check if he thinks living with his girlfriend will give him a free pass to do what he likes while she subsidises him.

I can just imagine the outrage if of the gf posted oon here saying her bf was at uni wouldn't get a job and she was paying the rent while he did nothing around the house!!

The days of parents paying for Uni are long gone anyway. When it was £9000, maybe. Now it's well into 5 figures, nope, nooooope.

That simply isn't true. The vast majority of students do have help from their parents.

I'm working class too. Went to Uni a long time ago when it was free for people like me. There were a lot of middle class people on my course a damn sight thicker than some of my friends who thought that uni was out of their reach and not for the likes of them.

So now I mix with a lot of middle class people, many of who educate their kids privately, or at least spend a lot on tuition. They make it their business to inform themselves about university financing and their kids' choices. They support their children until they are fully established in their adult careers. That is why they get the best uni places and the best jobs and the most comfortable lives.

None of this sorting yourself out and standing on your own feet at 18 stuff.

If he's 18 next week then he's an adult and about time he acted like one. Tell him there's no more money and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. Its a really tough world out there and the sooner he deals with it, the better.

I was teaching A levels in a very poor area and I found that if the parents worked, the students had a part-time job. Those who weren't working part-time were usually those whose parents had never worked. That then became our job to give extra support to them to help them find and keep work. Your son will be in classes with students who do work part-time - his own girlfriend does!

Most of my students went to the local university and stayed at home. They carried on working part-time - up to 20 hours per week - and that really helped them when it came to getting jobs after university. Those who had no job during sixth form and no job during university found it the hardest to get work - though they all wanted to start in a managerial role

I think the lazing around and the attitude and the help with uni are two different things tbh. The former is unacceptable and needs sorting; that said, most uni students do have financial support off their parents. His loan allowance is dictated by your household income OP, so yes you should help him. As for your DH, that's a conversation you need to have with him, but why didn't you keep your bank accounts etc seperate and the home in your name etc, so that only your and your ex's finances could be taken into account.

No-one is entitled a university place. If he wants to go and cant afford it (with or without family help) then he can go to work and save the money. Or take out a greater loan to cover the fees too.

He doesnt sound like a very nice young man and maybe having to earn some money for himself will teach him more than just finances.

Your DS can choose which parental income his uni maintenance loan will be based on, regardless of where he lives. If your ex has a lower income, your DS will get a higher loan, as long as his dad is prepared to complete the forms declaring his income.

Tbh you sound very unpleasant. Like you can't wait to be rid of him. If marrying someone he has only known for 5 years means his funding for uni is screwed that is on you.

Christmas is hardly millennia away.

Do hes had 2 jobs at 17? Sounds like hes doing very well.

University is a lot more expensive for his generation than it was for yours.

What kind of job are you expecting him to do without further training anyway?

Yab a tiny bit unreasonable.