For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

I think this highlights the fundamental problem with the student funding system tbh. The government assumes that parents with a decent income will support their kids, and so those kids are unable to borrow enough to pay for their degrees.

This creates a massive disadvantage for those kids with parents who earn enough but simply aren't willing to support their children's education, for whatever reason. They are stuck in a no-win situation.

It's a common problem. I feel sorry for your ds.

You sound like you just don't like him and have been waiting for his 18th...

Growing up my parents supported me through college and uni, what they provided would have been enough to live on but I had to work as well if I wanted things like takeaways and nights out (they did pay for my driving lessons, it was the done thing).

If you can but don't support him through education do not be surprised if there's a lot of bad feeling later, it would be really hard to put yourself through uni on minimum loan. If you really are planning to cut him off it would be kinder to tell him now so he can look into the process for declaring estrangement properly.

IMO when your husband married you he took on your children, no matter how old, and it seems the student loan people feel the same way.

I'd tell him to shut up about the flat though, if he wants to live out he pays for himself, surely he'll be moving to uni come September anyway?

I'm not sure a new car is the same as university...

How much pocket money does he get and what are his outgoings? A kid in college studying for A levels should get a decent amount to have a social life. You sound quite tight to be honest.

Don't get me wrong, I too feel his frustration and I am willing to help him where I can but when he texts me demanding that I fully support him for the next few years whilst not really attempting to get a job, slagging me off to his father and refusing to do anything I ask if him - I find it unreasonable entirely.

I also fail to imagine the conversation with DH "by the way hubby, you will now be paying a few grand out of your wages each month to support my kid (yes, the one that calls you a dick and ignores you when you ask him to do something for you).

You need to start being direct about this. He's an adult now. Make that clear to him and explain that things are going to change. Stop paying his phone bill and buying him clothes. He's 18, if he wants those things he can get them himself. Figure out what you can afford to do for his university (with DH first and then with his dad) and lay it out on the line to him. Make sure whatever you do, you pay it directly to the university / landlord etc rather than giving him the money.

Not many 18 year olds will willingly go out and get a job if they know they can get money by pestering their parents! Stop enabling him and he'll be forced to.

My parents bought my books and contributed £1000 a year towards my tuition fees. My loans covered the rest of my tuition fees and a portion of my rent. I worked around 25-30 hours a week during term time and full time during the holidays to pay for the rest. It's perfectly possible to fund your own way through university at DS's age (it becomes much harder when you have dependents / rent privately outside of the student house sharing system etc).

It's always been the case that student loans consider the income of family that the student lives with. My DM and stepdad had to cover the costs of university for me as I wasn't entitled to anything means-tested due to my stepdad's salary (DM has always been on a low wage and I would have got a grant and bursary if she'd remained a single mum). He has never complained about it or treated me any different to his other daughters who lived with us. It would have been awful if he had. It's the same case for all government funding - my DM lost benefits/tax credits when she got married as the government expected a married/cohabiting couple to support each other and their children. Even if a student can get loans for uni, the amount they get is limited if the parents have a high income, so the parents/stepparents should be helping out.

Having said that, he might not get to uni if he doesn't attend his college course so he needs to step up with that.

He gets around £50 a month not including bus fares and clothes etc

A few grand??? If your husband has enough for that to be going spare then yes I'm sorry absolutely would be expecting you to support your son some of the way.

Nowhere near a few grand that's not necessary though. My parents gave me 400 a month at university and that was more than most of my friends. I was lucky.

It doesn't sound like you like him very much, OP. And it doesn't sound like your dh regards your ds as family. Perhaps that's why he is so resentful?

He clearly has a bad attitude, and that sucks. But I still feel sorry for him.

(Caveat: unless he's planning on studying a course which involves a lot of contact time (teaching, engineering etc). I had 12 hours a week of contact time so was easily able to work and study. Most students can.)

I'm surprised by the number of people saying 16-18 y/os should get pocket money! Mine stopped at 16 and I got a part time job which then helped me get my job at university and massively increased my confidence. At the time I was really angry with my parents but it was the best thing they could have done for me - and they still bought me the occasional thing, clothes etc. But it was a treat, not an expectation!

Is his father not helping financially in any way?

If he does want to go to Unit then I think you all need to do some research on exactly what he is entitled to in the way of loans and how much else he will need and then discuss how that will be achieved. If his loan won't cover all of his expenses then, like other students, he will need to get some kind of job.

In terms of work at the moment then obviously he can only be expected to do a few hours a week anyway. I remember when our DD went in to Sixth Form they were strongly advised to take on no more than eight hours a week as more than that would affect their grades.

I have a 17 yr old. This is not 'what they do'.

Being a teenager is no excuse for a shitty attitude! Some of the posters on here must've been nightmare teenagers to think that that attitude is acceptable. If your ds wants money to spend then obviously he needs to go out and get a job. I think it's reasonable of you to pay for his essentials ie food and basic toiletries but anything else needs to come from him.
I've worked since I was 14, all through sixth form and uni. If he wants support through uni hw needs to show that he has a good work ethic and plan. Dossing his way through college isn't showing his commitment and is unlikely to get him as far as uni!

I simply couldn't afford to give him £400 a month. That's nearly a months mortgage to us. DH isn't on a huge wage, just short of £35k.

It's not that I don't like him I just find him so demanding and uppity all the time. He has a girlfriend who works part time and he's decided this is why he'll be fine moving out, because she will pay the rent.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect him to work to put himself through university.

He sounds very entitled, I'd be tempted to offer him his £50 and any other money in exchange for work - e.g. Mowing lawn, cleaning, washing car, cleaning his room etc. 18 is too old to be getting an 'allowance' for nothing. If his sibling is over 16 then I would expect the same from them. Bit different when they are still young though.

Just to add also, he's not bothered to find out how much money he will actually get, how much money he'll need to live on or how much money he'll be expecting from me. He's simply stated that I will "need to pay for him".

There's a difference between supporting your children and just being taken advantage of. My children are young so I'm not in this position yet but have obviously been young myself. I had a Saturday job at 15, a weekend job at 16 whilst I studied for my a levels and a part time job at uni. I paid board to live at home, I paid for driving lessons and bought a car at 21. If I wanted things I had to work for them. I went abroad once a year as a student (twice one year actually) because I put the work in.

This is not to say that my parents weren't brilliant because they were. But their not millionaires, they did what they could and we're basically willing to help me so long as I was willing to help myself.

I appreciate everything I have because I've earned it and I appreciate how easy I had it at home because I've been running my own home for years now. I think your son will wise up and learn the lessons if you employ some tough love and teach him that he's not entitled.

I moved out at 17. My mum and stepdad were utterly useless though. I never had pocket money and worked since 13, I only got clothes for birthdays and Christmas, and I didn't even get dinner money I could squirrel away. I wasn't allowed to go to college to study law as my arsehole stepdad wouldn't pay my bus pass and I didn't earn enough to pay it myself. He still took 30% of my wage though, even when I earned £25 a week! I think you should help him if you can, but he also needs to help himself, you shouldn't do it all. But if it means he can't study, then step in. I have no qualifications now, and can't afford to think about studying.

Yes entitlement to student loans is calculated on household income, and that includes 'step parents'. Same is true for cb of course - no account is taken of nrp income, a step parent's is what matters.

A 'dc' who isn't entitled to the full amount of student loan but whose parents won't/can't pay the extra, can be in difficulties. Many on mn say they should get a job but it is not always that easy - a few courses actually forbid working in term time and holiday jobs are not necessarily always easy to get. Not an ideal system really, when as op says they are 'adults' but expected to be dependent on parents.

OP. YABU. I worked THREE jobs while studying and keeping a flat - my parents had kicked me out. He needs a wake-up, its NICE that parent can help even if just a bit, but its really not a absolute 'right' to be wafted through uni on a cloud of parental cash.

So you need to have an adult discussion with him, make it clear that he is responsible for himself but you will help him out to the best of your ability. I definitely think it is reasonable for that help to come from the FAMILY income though, not just yours.

I think that's the problem really, isn't it? The government assumes that young people under 25 are still dependent on their parents, whereas the OP thinks her ds is an adult and should be independent.

OP. YABU. I worked THREE jobs while studying and keeping a flat - my parents had kicked me out. He needs a wake-up, its NICE that parent can help even if just a bit, but its really not a absolute 'right' to be wafted through uni on a cloud of parental cash.

gahhh YANBU YANBU YANBU!!!!!