For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

I agree he sounds a brat, Sunnie but I also think the post was constructed to present him that way.

He could get a job absolutely; he has actually had two and nothing suggests he did those badly.

he is trying to show independence, he is thinking about uni, he has a girlfriend and it sounds like that's a serious relationship.

He is a layabout in some ways definitely. I'd address the not attending college regularly as the priority though.

Did he send the message to you about uni OP in response to some conversations with you about how he would be on his won once he went to uni? he might be quite anxious about that.

I do agree though that £50 a month at aged 17 from parents is an OK deal since they pay his phone bill. But then I can't understand the modern world where teenagers have so many material needs... sigh.

I'd tell him to get a job and you won't be giving him pocket money or supporting him after the age of 18.

It's 2 months since Christmas, he needs a job.

He can borrow money for uni if he wants to go.

And it's sounds like he wants to cock lodge off the girlfriend as she'll 'pay the rent'

And this is why social mobility is so poor in this country. So many people do not value education and see more worth in "standing on your own feet" in some shitty job when you are 18.

People from low income families can afford to be all holier than thou about not getting handouts from their parents. They can get much much higher loans; enough to live on. Up until recently they also had grants. They can access thousands of pounds of bursaries from their universities.

It is people like the OP's boy who find themselves unable to go to uni.

If you are currently giving the odd extra tenner here, fiver there, I'd up it to a fixed amount a month contingent on his room being tidy and not missing college.

Even £100 per month towards uni would help, and you'll be saving on food etc so presumably affordable?

OP I am from a working class background too and no families I know (myself included) would expect our parents to have funded us through uni, nor would we expect to fund our kids. IF they CHOOSE to go to uni they should WORK and support themselves whilst studying. It is not at all unusual.

But the point is, if he was from a genuinely low-income household, he would be entitled to more government funding (in the form of a higher loan). The fact is, his mum and step-dad earn enough between them to contribute, and so he cannot borrow as much as a student from a low-income household, even if he is willing to do so. This is because the government expects his mum and dad to stump up.

Most students have to work on top of the full student loan and/or parental contribution. It isn't a case of either/or.

He will get a loan for uni. It's how most people do it. I think you need to be upfront about what you will and will not pay for. My mum did (although I had no expectations and asked her for nothing) when we found out that my parents income meant they were expected to pay £1000 a year towards my fees. I told my mum I'd pay for it out of my loan and she said she'd pay it, do my washing and buy me a trolly full of groceries once a term. I was very grateful!

Cream of course they have. In some of the earlier posts someone clearly says

Of course he's got a shitty attitude, he's a teenager. Of course his room is a tip, he's a teenager. Of course he's got unrealistic expectations around things like moving out, he's a teenager.

and you have said I think he's being extremely entitled, lazy, spoiled and annoying but then he's a teenager*

Wow, your attitude towards him is really bad.

Aren't kids classed as dependents until they leave full time education, and not just when they turn 18? I'm surprised you didn't tell him he's an adult and pushed him out the door at 16!

I think you should at least consider helping with driving lessons as this will open up his options for job hunting.

You also shouldn't expect him to live off a measly loan and p/t earnings imo, you haven't brought him up to know the value of money and that things have to be worked & saved for rather than handed out, so his budgeting skills will be shit. If you give him time to realise this and he fucks up, will you help him out or leave him to starve? Its going to be a learning curve for him.

Yes, but none of that adds 'so therefore, OP, you ABU to object.'

It's like toddler tantrums: normal for this stage. It doesn't mean you should nod sagely and not intervene, but it's as well to remember that it isn't indicative of a deep seated attitudinal problem either.

a few grand a MONTH!
OP - where on earth have you got that figure from????

you definitely should help him out if you're the reason he's getting less support from the goverment, but get on savethestudents LOAN CALCULATOR or point him towards it www.savethestudent.org/money/student-budgeting/asking-parents-for-money-university.html and work out how much it's expected for him to have and how much the government is expecting family to cover, then you can work from that figure

OP I have just read your update in a different way : you said letting him stay in bed til 11 and I assumed you meant his dad - but you don't, do you? You are the one doing that? Why on earth are you doing that and then slagging him off? Get him out of bed and make him go to college.
You also mention transferring money to his account every few days. Why are you doing that?
He is getting very mixed messages if so!

Please correct me if I have read that wrong.

And this is why social mobility is so poor in this country. So many people do not value education and see more worth in "standing on your own feet" in some shitty job when you are 18.

I completely agree.

Is his father not contributing? I'm remarried and whilst my DH is happy to give money to either of my DS's there is no way I'd expect him to fund their uni degrees as I'd be expecting their father to foot 50%.

I agree too

OP - you posted that your DH's children were supported until they were 20 - is there a particular reason that your DS is not being treated in the same way

She said he paid maintenance for his children until they were 20. Her sons dad should be doing the same.

You've had a really hard time on here OP. He sounds like a brat to be honest, but within the realms of normal teenage behaviour. He sounds like he needs a harsh lesson though. No more handouts until he gets a job. No more handouts while he's being so disrespectful.

Wait just rtft you're transferring 10-20 every few days, say £10 every 3 days, that's £300/month, plus food, clothing etc. So actually you could afford £400/ month at uni cos you're already doing it in dribs and drabs.

Get him out of bed and make him go to college

Haha! An already stroppy teen is going to make that easy.

My goodness I can't ever imagine at that age TELLING my parents that they need to fund anything for me. I worked part time and paid my phone bill at 16. I was paying rent at 18. They helped me with things like paying for a few driving lessons (they bought some, I bought the rest). I bought my first car with money from my savings account I had as a child.

I sort of understand what everyone is saying in relation to funding for education but it sounds like he needs some tough love and to learn some respect and how the world works. Like...if you want £50 a month you need to be at college every day.

Totally agree that it is not just what they do at that age. I'd never have dared to expect money from my parents in that way regardless of their financial situation!

Just that Belly .

I too am confused.

And this is why social mobility is so poor in this country. So many people do not value education and see more worth in "standing on your own feet" in some shitty job when you are 18

OR
Learning a useful trade and being able to be in work for the rest of your life without a massive debt to pay off.

Not going to university doesn't =shitty job thanks

My job is brilliant.

By the sounds of it the lazy arse isn't goi to make it to uni.
He doesn't make a full day at college flyer he thinks he's going to walk in and get a degree.
Print off an application for McDonalds and tell him unless he sorts his shit out the only think you'll be paying for is his bus fair to the McDs interview.

He can get a loan to cover tuition fees.
He can also get a maintenance loan to "live" off. If parents are modest high earners he will receive £3,750 and pay rent of perhaps 5 - 7 k.
Parents are expected to support their DC through uni.

Whichever parent has the lowest household income needs to complete the finance forms.

No Clopy they won't make it easy but it's an interesting post nonetheless.

OP sounds a bit passive there.

You can't slag em off behind their backs on MN and then just leave them in bed (she says she lets him : ne mention of big rows here) and pay them £30 every two days.

In all honesty, DH and I have worked very hard to get where we are and I don't feel like we should just agree to support DS with thousands of pounds like this - especially when his attitude towards us stinks

What a horrible attitude to have towards your own son, you know, the one you chose to have.

You've feathered your own nest through your marriage, but seem to be ignoring the fact that is it precisely this marriage that prevents your son from accessing the support that he would be due had you not married. Talk about pulling the ladder up!

I bet you will also be the first to complain when he wants nothing to do with you when he has a family of his own etc.

Shame on you OP.

On pocket money etc yanbu, but he's right that you will need to top him up at uni as your family income is so high that he will be able to access only reduced loans and no grants. It really doesn't matter that the money is earned by your dh rather than you.
That you put yourself through uni without support in the past is irrelevant. Things are so different now.