For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

Mine are only entitled to the £3.5k minimum loan. We top them up by £4.5k. They live in the cheaper sort of accomodation (though they do like a night out) and they manage okay. They get jobs to pay for extras and luxuries.

£35k plus your wages is a decent amount, you should be able to give him something. Why not sit down and see what he is entitled to and what the shortfall is likely to be?

It's easy to find out exactly what loans he would get online. I think you need to find out the facts before you can sort this. If it goes off you and DH money he will get some loan as you're under the limit ( unless you're earning a lot part time?). I don't know if it includes his dad's wage? Has he been paying maintenance in which case would he be expected by Uni loans to contribute? Go online and find out, then you, DH and son can have a proper discussion about it.

I think step-parent income should be taken out of the student loan calculations, really. Not because I don't think it's fair for step-parents to stump up for their step-children, but because too many step-parents are unwilling to pay.

It isn't the kids' fault at all, but many young people do end up being disadvantaged as a result of their parent's decision to marry someone who doesn't want to take on the responsibility for their children. Effectively, the kids are getting punished for their parent's decisions. It isn't fair.

as far as i know nrps aren't expected to pay any contribution - or at least the loan calculation takes no account of the nrp's income. No idea why that's the policy. But it is consistent with the position on cb - nrp income is irrelevant to that as well afaik.

I can't believe all the poster criticising the OP for not funding his entire lifestyle.
He's old enough to get a job. He can pay for his own driving lessons and deposit on a flat. He can work to top up his money through uni like thousands of people have to do through the UK.
He sounds like an entitled little brat and I'm not surprised the OP is getting fed up. Why should she give up little luxeries to someone who doesn't even have the decency to be nice to his own mum?

By the way I'm not surprised he is always asking you for money if you only give him £50 a month.

Some very stingy people on this thread. Yes not everyone can afford to give their kids a lot but it's pretty mean to not give your A level kid an allowance and to not support your kid through uni if you have a decent income.

I think there are a loooot of issues clouding this. You start your post about him not having a job - but, actually, if you want him to do well at college , then not having a job if you can / are willing to support him is not a bad thing. I find a lot of parents cut their kids adrift at 16 and expect them to pay for everything. These kids get jobs - sometimes the material possessions they acquire because of the jobs mean more to them than the A levels : they get their priorities horrendously wrong. Personally, as a teacher and parent, I'd be happier paying a bit out to my DS monthly (not that he ever spends any money himself) and expecting him to manage that money and the idea of a short term holiday job or one with few hours would be ideal, if he wanted to do it. This is assuming reasonably affluent circumstances.
As for paying for his phone - I assume once he is 18, you can cancel that contract so he can get his own, although paying for his phone seems a nice thing to do .

Your actual issue seems to be that he seems to be a waster/ sponger . Do you want him to go to uni? or do you just want him to get a job so he is off your hands??

He does sound a bit idle : could you maybe pay some money into an account for him, rather than paying things directly? He then has to manage that account? You may already do that.

You are stressed by his layabout ways : the not going to college bit to me is the biggest red flag though and, oddly, the one you seem least bothered about!

Why is he so keen to move out? Is this to be with his girlfriend? Does he think it's grown up?

ps if he wants his won then definitely , at that stage, he needs to pay at least that part of the way!

Is he planning on attending a local uni then?

Good point brokenbiscuit. There is ambivalence about step parents' financial links to dc anyway - for example quite often on mn recently ops have been told they are reasonable not to want their sdcs to inherit their share of the assets. And on this thread some pps' instinctive reaction is that a step parent should not be expected to contribute to step dcs' student finance. But as another pp has said, the student loans people do not agree! (and nor does DWP re cb.)

But some parents do not pay the extra anyway even if both are resident parents. So the real problem is making any students dependent on parents once they're over 18 I think.

I'd have a word with his girlfriend and let her know he's expecting her to pay all the rent herself.

The lad worked until last year though. And worked over Christmas at Next, presumably November to January. My own son did that actually; he had lots of really early starts and late finishes and missed out on quite a lot of Christmas socialising. It is only February now so he's hardly long term unemployed. And A levels are looming so he's probably best not working for a few months.

I feel sorry for your son and think YABU. Sorry but I believe it is your duty, and now also your DH's to help support your son through uni if you are able. If you are not able, then that's a different issue entirely, but seeing as you're both alright to be going on holidays, weekends away, etc then I'd wager you would be able to gift him some contribution towards living as a student. Given his previous work history I'd also wager he would take on a part-time job if able whilst studying, but there are lots of courses where that's not possible due to contact hours & placements (vocational courses like vet med, nursing, speech & language therapy etc).

You sound really stingy and whilst I appreciate part of him is living on cloud cookoo land with moving out, that's quite normal for lots of teenagers and not a reason to deny him a financial contribution to an education that could really improve his lot in life. You sound like you don't want him to go because neither you or your husband went by the sounds of it, which is really horrible. You should be proud of your son despite his whinging for money and messy room. He has consistently worked as a teenager which is becoming increasingly rare, he is at college and not dossing around the house doing nowt like lots of other young people, he has aspirations to go to university. I feel so sad for him and your attitude about him basically not being your DH's 'problem' is appalling. I bet he feels left out, unloved, and sad. It must be really hard growing up with your parents split, arguing about who should have the 'burden' of you and then having a new person on the scene who is also not willing to 'burden' themselves with you either. I feel so sad for him.

The uni thing isn't fair.
If you earn so much that it means he gets very little in terms of a loan to live on then you should help him out.
It's just a top up amount. You won't need to give him huge amounts.

I'm surprised at the responses here.

He sounds like a brat. He is old enough to get a job and earn money himself. Expecting you to find any of it is ridiculous, you already put a roof over his head and feed him, I assume.

The majority of students work during college. I certainly wasn't getting pocket money at nearly 18!

Same applies for university. I stayed at home for university so that I didn't take on too much debt and worked throughout.

He is not entitled to an endless supply of cash.

I would tell him that £50 a month is the maximum he is getting from you and if he needs more money then he can get a job.

I would advise you to let him move to his dad's. If his dad is on a lower income, then your son will get a bigger loan at university. It would also only take a few weeks for his dad to recognise what a twat your son's being. It sounds as though he's happy to hear him slag you off; he won't be so happy when he's seen as the selfish one.

Why not do that now, before applications for loans go in?

OP I am from a working class background too and no families I know (myself included) would expect our parents to have funded us through uni, nor would we expect to fund our kids. IF they CHOOSE to go to uni they should WORK and support themselves whilst studying. It is not at all unusual.

It is normal to want your children to become financially independent and not belligerent self entitled people.

I'd make it clear to your son that he will need to fund himself through uni with a part time job and while you might help him out with bits and bobs you will not be funding him.

A few of my peers have juggled OU whilst working a full time job. At 17 I had 3 jobs (newsagent, food court and a huge avon round) and college. At 18 me and my partner had a mortgage.

At the moment you're saying he isn't even attending college properly. Time for him to buck his ideas up and do a lot of growing up.

But some parents do not pay the extra anyway even if both are resident parents. So the real problem is making any students dependent on parents once they're over 18 I think.

Yes, that's true, but (having worked in this area), I think step-families are the biggest problem. In my experience, the vast majority of students whose parents refuse to pay the parental contribution are those who have grown up with step-parents who don't think that they should have to pay.

I did go to university actually, I funded myself through it.

I have also suggested he go and live at his dads house if he isn't happy here but he won't do that as he knows his dad isn't as soft as I am transferring £20/30 across to his account every few days and letting him stay in bed until gone 11am when he's meant to be at college.

Not everyone can afford to go to university.
It seems to be only on MN that people don't understand that.

It wasn't unusual prior to 2010, but getting a job isn't like it probably was when I went to university, where you could easily enough get jobs in pubs and bars and factories.

He has a girlfriend who works part time and he's decided this is why he'll be fine moving out, because she will pay the rent.

It appears he believes its everyone elses responsibility to keep him in the manner he wants to be accustomed to and not his.

Time for a sit down chat and a reality check re finances, responsibilities, income/outgoings, attitude and his girlfriend isnt his meal ticket. Hope she realises he thinks of her as this!

Plus if he cannot be bothered to attend college whats the point in going to uni? Does he see it as a 'good time' funded by you without the responsibility of actually studying perhaps?

OP - you posted that your DH's children were supported until they were 20 - is there a particular reason that your DS is not being treated in the same way?

Im not getting the posts that just because he is a teenager he will have a shity attitude, not work, demand money and have his bedroom like a pig sty!
What kind of teenagers have some of you had!! Mine aren't like that and neither are my friends kids.

I don't get that some of you are cutting pocket money as soon as they are 16 and expecting them to get a job. Mine had £20 a week pocket money from age of 12 and increased at 16.

If he is dead set on going to uni does he have to live away? Many uni students where i live still live at home and go to Uni of Salford, Manchester UCLAN,Lancaster or Liverpool to keep costs down.

I don't think anyone has said as much What

Just that a bit of difficult behaviour is par for the course for many young adults.

I just want to add something in addition to my previous post since this is getting picked apart a bit. I do of course think you should help him, he's your son, he's young, you love him. I just also think he should contribute and not expect to be 'funded'. I can't believe that would do him any good.