For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

he sounds like a brat

u earn respect an with that you can earn some support all these posters saying youre disgusting op are on cloud cuckoo land

the father does bugger all but thats ok-and his cockloging son wants his gf to pay for his rent-what a charmer

oh and i thought it was 19 the nrp had to pay until if they were in further education?

apologies my browser is playing up

I think you need some facts, see below.
You get a loan for your fees and a maintenace loan as below:
Living with parents Up to £7,097
Studying in London and not living with parents Up to £11,002
Studying outside London and not living with parents Up to £8,430
Living and studying abroad for at least one academic term Up to £9,654

Website is here: www.thestudentroom.co.uk/content.php?r=6217-Living-costs-2017-18

You and your son are locked into a viscious circle where you both feel as if you are not getting what you need from eachother. Why don't you take him out for a pub lunch/or similar and have a real chat. Say that you love him and will give him all the emotional support he needs so that he can stand on his own feet!
All the best OP.

Is it too late to have him adopted?

I went through almost the same as you are dealing with now three years ago. My sons Dad refused to pay anything towards his maintenance and even gave up working so he could do so legally (was previously MD of company). My son constantly complained about my new husband who expected him to muck in around the house son refused to help out as he said we had cleaner for that. His attitude towards study was poor and we thought he would fail unless something changed. We got him a tutor who was very good and supportive. Tutor told us son was so sure he was going to fail he had all but given up trying. Son had to do year again but passed 3 A levels however then decided not to go to uni even though his grades were good enough. We insisted he was either in education of some type or working. He chose to work, messed around in his first job and got the sack then found it hard to get another job. We signed him up to work agency and they found him a series of temporary jobs. He tried lots of different things and finally decided he wanted to do his lorry driving certificate. Now he knows what hard work is like and is far more responsible and much better around house we have paid for his lorry driving course and he is about half way through. He could still do more around the house but he is improving. Stick with him he is testing out your love of him. We went through three rough years but now coming out the other side; you will too. If he does not work at college he will not get good enough grades for uni. Cut him some slack and offer him to re-sit if he agrees to try harder. Does he need a tutor if he is struggling to understand but too proud to ask for help? Id he goes to uni support him financially as much as you can as it is tough for kids today with loans not grants. If his Dad is not reliable you are all he has and he is still a kid and some boys mature a little later than girls. He is still your baby but acting like an idiot because he is feeling insecure. Make him feel safe and loved unconditionally and his behaviour will improve.

If he's missing loads of college he's probably a bit too immature for uni at the moment. I'd suggest a year out gaining some work experience in the 'real world' before starting a uni course.

You giving him money is one thing. Him demanding and expecting financial aid from you is another. He will always think of you as a fallback/moneybank if laws aren't laid down now. Tell him he needs to earn his keep, just after my 18th I got a job, never expected my parents to pay for anything but they did without me asking because all I got for a month's wages was £130. Doesn't go far in college/uni but I also got £10 a week pocket money. In a like-for-like comparison to your DS (my female friends didn't drive until later on) My male friends all worked throughout and saved up for driving lessons/car and insurance.

It's unfair for you to foot the bill, and utterly disrespectful of him to be bitching about you to his dad. He needs a bit of a lesson tbh, don't give in. I know he's your son and you'll always have a soft spot for your children, but don't give in, it will do more harm than good. Don't fund him, uni is tough financially but he needs to make an educated decision on how HE is going to handle HIS finances to get him through it.

dont fund him! Uni is tough financially but...
But the loan structure is set up from his parents finances not his, and expects parents to make up the difference between the amount of loan he is entitled to and the amount of a full loan. It's not based on how much he can expect to earn part time whilst studying, it expects parents to help. So it's not him handling his finances to get him through, it SHOULD be OP balancing HER finances to get him through, with him working part time as possible to help.
It's not him expecting to be freeloading, it's him expecting what most parents would do, and what the loan system expects parents to do.

It sound to me like your son is screaming out to you to show him you love him. If his Dad won't help him you are all he has. Don't push him out or give up on him. He is a teenager but still your baby. Think about all the happy times and all the love your DS has given you over the years. My new husband happily agreed to help my son until he got his life together. We would have funded him through uni if he chose to go. Your husband has lived with your son since he was 12 surely by now he must have built up a relationship with him and want to help him. If your DS thinks he will not get help to go to uni this may be why he is giving up on his dreams and has poor attendance at college.

Pigflewpast has it right

At 17 his attitude sucks, I don't have a teenager in the house do I don't have any good advice that's tried and tested, however as a pp said, teens are just like toddlers, they act like toddlers and they have tantrums when things don't go their own way.
So treat him the way he's acting....hit him where it hurts by stopping money. I deleted cartoons when my DS was 3-4 and played up or was rude and disrespectful. I took away the iPad and PlayStation when he was 5-7.
It's going to be difficult when he's been allowed to be like this, esp to his step dad but you will do him any favours by allowing what others class as 'normal' teenage behaviour.
Btw you are NBU but you do need to support him til he's able to support himself and that may be a very long time to come. He's your child and regardless of whether you have another one or another five at home you still need to be there for him for as long as he needs you, financially or emotionally, however hard it gets.

OP read caringcarer post above if nothing else.

I worked while I was at uni, and didn't harm my grades. I think a full time uni degree meant I was actually in uni 2-4 hours 3 times a week! Plenty of time to have have a job (I had 2) and still scrapped a first. 😊

I will add here that during my final year my mum asked what I earnt at my job and then she told me she would pay my salary for 1 year so I could concerntrate on my studies and quit my job. Was the best birthday present I've ever had!

So there are ways to teaching him to be greatful for the cash but also help his uni. He should be thanking you for every penny!

Maybe pay for a month or 2 to give him time to find work?

I think his DF is failing him and he is taking his disappointment out on you. And his anger.
Not sure what the answer is, don't say too much you will regret, he will be left home relatively soon.

Hmm. His attitude to a lot of things stinks, and I certainly wouldn't be tolerating the cesspit of a room, the uselessness or the mouth. YANBU to be fucked off there. But I can't say I'm in love with your attitude either OP.

There seems to be no acknowledgement at all from you that the landscape has changed and it's much harder for uni students now than it used to be. Even if you did self fund, unless you went very recently your fees and debt will have looked very different to his, and the reality is that it's much harder for students to get jobs now than it used to be.

The same attitude seems evident in your claim that you and DH have never had any handouts. With four children between you, and the majority of their childhoods occuring during the universal entitlement era, you must surely have trousered a fair wedge in CB between you at minimum? Hard to believe both of you fell into the previously quite rare exemptions. That's a handout...

This bit also particularly concerns me:

I was working full time but DH and I decided I would drop to part time as we were struggling to manage the house etc. I now work part time.

Nothing wrong in PT per se, I'm PT myself, but when combined with a blended family and a view that the SP shouldn't be paying, that's concerning.

You and him decided together that you'd be poorer, but that decision is going to financially disadvantage your child and he wouldn't be up for doing anything to remedy that. Now I'm not saying you should pay for everything, and I wouldn't be funding DS accommodation in your shoes. No chance. But your DH wants you to go down to part time so he can jointly benefit from you being around more from house stuff, but then you apparently see his wages as 'his' not joint- what's that about? One partner reducing their income in a mutually agreed decision to facilitate better family and home life requires the other partner's wages not just being 'theirs', in order to be equitable.

His dad also sounds fucking useless, not giving him a pass either. Son would also probably get more student loan living with him...

I moved out at just 17. I never expected my mum to support me. I worked full time at McD's at 16 then changed to part time at a supermarket when I decided to go to college.

I think you shouldn't be expected to pay for him to do that. I was earning money from 16 and wouldn't ask my mum for anything. I wouldn't dare! She had two younger children at the time as well.

I didn't go to uni though, so can't help there!

Gees, she has another child. Maybe she married the father of that child because, as banged on about on MN, marriage confers important legal rights. So we're all supposed to re-arrange our lives so we can always fully fund our adult children?

The marriage is irrelevant. OPs DH income would still be taken into account if they were unmarried cohabitants. That's how the system works.

Out of interest OP, how much money were you giving the DSC each month when they were 18-20? Sorry if this has already been answered and I've missed it. Because I must say, I wouldn't be especially impressed if I were him and you were funding them to a level you won't with him. Especially if that's partially been influenced by a joint decision to go PT to make yours and DHs lives easier, so you could afford it for his kids but can't for yours.

That said, I think you letting him live rent free within commuting distance is indirect financial support. Wouldn't pay rent in that scenario as I've said.

Some good stuff about uni finance and parental contributions

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/02/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/

'I was working full time but DH and I decided I would drop to part time as we were struggling to manage the house etc. I now work part time'

This bit concerned me greatly too. Giving up your financial independence with children from a prior marriage when you have prior responsibilities - leaves one very vulnerable to situations exactly like this one.