For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

op if you don't want to ask your dh for money for ds student finance support, could you go f-t and dh go p-t to do the house type stuff?

Presumably the same will apply to your ds2 as well in a few years? Whereas dh is no longer maintaining his 2dc.

You seem to be letting your anger at the fact that your ex can stop paying be the focus. No that isn't fair but is it fair to your don that his parents are locked in a battle about whose responsibility he is. No wonder he is sullen.

He could say:

"I would like to study history at Faraway University, because I'd like to by a Whateverspeciality Historian. They don't offer it at Local University. To make sure I'll get in I would like to take part in a three week dig in Farawaycountry, I will take a full time summer job to fund it. I also improved my English and History grades at college. I will get £X as a loan, dorms cost £Y in Faraway. I will have time to earn £Z termtime, could we find a way for you to pick up the difference of £A, please?"

Or he could say he wants to move out because he wants to and stomp his foot.

Version 1 I'd bend over backwards to enable. Version 2 would be bought a bus pass and a phone contract, both depending on full college attendance.

You say you simply can't afford 2k and yet you currently give him £50 a month which is £600 a year plus £30 every few days. Say you give him £30 even only once a week that's still around 1.5k so that plus the 600 is 2k.

It sounds like you all need to sit down and have an adult conversation. It sounds like relations in general have broken down. He needs to treat you all with more respect but you have to be less defensive and see things from his perspective too and start to build a relationship again with mutual respect on both sides. It probably starts with listening and hearing each other properly. I'm a single mum on £31k and am planning on paying £300 per month to both my daughters to get through uni. No weekend breaks for me. Eldest daughter works 7 hours a week to help herself too. Her room is a heap but she's polite, loving and lovely. If your husband is unwilling to pay then I think you should go back full time to fulfill your parental responsibility to your son although as stated above, you already clearly have the money necessary for 2k a year. He needs to fulfill his side by studying and treating you with respect but he probably feels a bit abandoned and unwanted by you. Hope you can rebuild your relationship with him.

This stage can be very stressful for dteens - coming up to a level exams, and the future is scary. In many ways things are more frightening for this generation because of the huge amounts of debt you know you'll have to accrue for university. (And The mantras about 'you don't have to pay it back' don't reassure everyone, including me!).
It isn't rational but one response is to hide under the duvet and not go to college (and you're not required to attend when no classes which makes it harder in a way). I think a pp may have had a point that the constant going on about 'you bought db macdonalds you owe me £5' may be in part a fear about not being treated 'fairly' - particularly if there's friction between dm and df (and possibly sf?) about who should be supporting him (and other friction between dm and df, it sounds like).

By the way many dteens ime don't have jobs in yr 13 so your ds is not at all idle by comparison, having worked over christmas at next and before that. I think many would advise to concentrate on the studying between now and june. (I do realise he's missing college!. Still, styaing in bed until 11 is not necessarily lazy if you've been working until 3am the night before - so we don't know. ) i have even known schools advise against a saturday job for sixth form as the workload is a lot. Perhaps a bit unreal for many.

I do think it's unfortunate that student finance is means tested - this is quite a good example of why. this sounds like a situation in which it would be quite good for ds to live away from home for university - as it is for many!

Anyway, hope you manage to sort things out amicably op.

Talk to your hubby and his dad with him. Go look at flats with him. Go with him to bank to look at student accounts.look through jobs pages with him. Tell him he can earn money by either getting a job or doing chores for you( including de pitting bedroom). Send him to somewhere to volunteer during daytime hours until he gets paid work. Explain that you will support him in many many ways..and if he wants these things as an adult ( flat, car uni) then its time to be more adult and step up..when you can see he's ready..you will help. When he contributes...so will you. You're delighted he's ready to move into adulthood..and that it isnt easy and you will help him gain the skills he needs to earn a living and survive. You'll help him learn the financial and life skills. You'll help him with uni or apprenticeship applications and help him move out when he's saved the deposit. Set, in agreement with dh and his father who can help with what( not necessarily money) agree as a group what he needs to be able to do, to earn, to learn..then share this with him. If college is a struggle perhaps uni isnt for him...or maybe apprenticeships are the way. In 12 months time he will be more focussed on what HIS goals are, you will know he is committed to them and he will have the skills you've taught him to be able to move on. Sounds like he's rather immature and needs support to get him ready for the things he wants. Tell him you love him and will help him..bit in more ways than being a cashpoint. Give him responsibility in the house..cleaning shopping cooking gardening. Share with him your household bills. Teach him how to budget his benefits or income. Yes he's being a PITA teen..but without your intervention he'll be an entitled 27yr old still griping about how unfair life is..and still living with you! Set a set of targets eg one full week of college attendance equals one driving lesson....one week of evidenced job hunting( applications, bus tickets to job centre) equals £10 in his flat deposit savings account ( in your name and not accessed by him) He will start to step up if he wants things. He will like you more as you are truely helping him. He'll mature as he gains the skills...honestly!

@pigflewpast yes but from what I can remember, you can tell SLE you're a student supporting yourself so would not need parents financial details (if you can show evidence or something). Also, if the uni he is going to is so close, why does he need to move out and get a loan? It doesn't make financial sense and the son needs to understand that. The only loan he should be getting is a tuition fee Loan not a maintenance loan.

And no the OP should not be rearranging her finances to suit her son. His attitude is a big deterrent, if he had been nicer to her and his step dad then maybe they would see him in a more favourable light but you cannot talk shit to someone then expect some sort of help from them, regardless of who they are. Being a hormonal teenager is no excuse for lack of good manners.

I went to college straight after school but I also had the same part time evening job throughout both. I starter my job at 16 and left the company at 21. I was at school Monday-friday and worked Thursday nights after school and also every weekend (with the exception of booked holidays off work). I also never got any money from my parents and would have hated to live off them. I got a student loan during my 2nd year of college to fund my books etc and used whatever was left over to do up my bedroom (desk for studying, computer chair, lamp etc) and also socialising. I was able to survive just fine by still living at home and working any hours I could. It helped a lot that my mum and dad didn'the take dig money off me until I got a full time job but he needs to buck up and get a job. My contracted hours were only 8 a week but I always got at least 12 in retail and at college it was more like 16-20 as I had more days off college. He is being far too entitled and needs to start relying on himself more.

I think you would all benefit with family mediation. And counselling for him.

Your DS seems to have unresolved issues about the split up of his family, and this is manifesting as resentful, entitled and reactive behaviour. He seems to have deep insecurity regarding his fair treatment, identity and standing within the blended family.

Your DS seems to have many qualities which seem to be overshadowed by this resentment, and subsequent paralysis. He seems to be a bit lost.

I suggest if he cannot study in university that he takes a bookkeeping and accountancy apprenticeship as he seems to be happy to think about money all the time.. it might suit him far better than becoming yet another history degree graduate.

I dread to think he would cocklodge with his girlfriend and that would be viewed as a positive result.

Mediation with all stake holders and counselling for those who need it is my prescription!

I have a son who used to be like you have described. He'd say things like 'I didn't ask to be born so I'm your responsibility' or 'I can say what I like to you and you're stuck with me until you die'. Another was - 'if I want something it's your duty to make sure I get it' and 'it's a parent's job to provide for their kids no matter how old they are'.

He was around 21 at the time and I was a single mother but was making quite good money. He was one of three sons. The other two had left home. I'd moved into a really nice flat and my son had come to stay with me for a while. Fortunately, my other two sons didn't have his attitude and they all had the same father.

One day his relatively new GF turned up when he was out. She was a nice girl and I invited her in for a cuppa. Long story short - she tried to tactfully tell me that she thought it was unreasonable of me that I'd turned up to stay at HIS flat at Christmas and hadn't yet left (this was one February). How he thought he'd get away with that is beyond me... I had stuffed bunnies wearing dresses and glasses as doorstops, fluffy cushions etc. lol.

Needless to say when he came home I had questions for him!! Off he went again with his super-entitled attitude telling me that it was my job to cover things like that up for him.

That was the night that I reminded him that he entered this world the same way as everyone else and that at best he was a good f* and that I owed him nothing! I reminded him that I didn't have to keep him but chose to and that he'd better keep his ungrateful mouth shut, get a job and start paying rent or he'd be out the door. There were a few unsavoury adjectives dotted around in that sentence. He was shocked ... so was I! The days of trying to rationalise with him were over.

It did the trick though. An hour or so later (when I'd calmed down) he said to me 'well that put me in my place, didn't it'. I was relieved to see he was laughing. 15 years on, he still refers to that day as 'the day that changed his life'.

I'm not advocating this for all teenagers but it worked for my self-entitled brat.

YANBU - there are times when only straight talking will do... maybe not as straight as I did but some self-entitled kids really do need a wake up call.

You have an awful lot of replies here so I hope you'll be able to pick out some that will help. I'd just like to say I have a son the same age and two daughters who are both at uni. Both dd have part time jobs, they both have the maintenance loans and fee loans and I give them about £500 each month towards their accommodation. Both girls are careful with their money. It's just what it takes. It's worth it for their futures.
Be patient with your son, they can rub you terribly up the wrong way- but in a way you're lucky they can take all their frustrations and anxieties out on you. Ignore the bedroom, that's just nothing in the scheme of things. I give my son a monthly allowance of £80 for which he has to do certain dog duties, £10 a week for lunch at college, pay for his phone and gym membership. You see they do still need you in the way they needed you when they were little and you paid for them to do all the activities they like to do. I personally don't think any of this is unreasonable while he's at college.
You and your dh should treat him as though he were both of yours - reassure him, if you treat him with love and try to see what he's getting frustrated at, gradually he will stop the behaviour that is hard for you to deal with. This can be a really hard age for young men-
Good luck

"And no the OP should not be rearranging her finances to suit her son. His attitude is a big deterrent, if he had been nicer to her and his step dad then maybe they would see him in a more favourable light but you cannot talk shit to someone then expect some sort of help from them, regardless of who they are. Being a hormonal teenager is no excuse for lack of good manners."
I give up.

There are no more grants for university, they stopped last year, but your son will get a student loan from The Student Loan Company and all the university fees will also be paid. This has all got to be repaid when and if your son earns over a certain amount and is taken off directly at source like tax and NI. Parents income is taken into account but only in regards to the student loan, not Fees, and you get slightly less the higher the income of the parents is on a sliding scale. So, yes, parents are expected to contribute something to maintenance costs if they are able to afford to and your husbands income will be counted as family income in this regard so he should be contributing. Maybe, when your DS is away at Uni you could rent his room out, that would send him a message. But never the less, his behaviour is normal typical teenage stuff. I have had it for many years with my DD who has now found her own feet and appreciates what previously she took for granted. They do need support at this age, it is a harsh world out there, but they come through it eventually and make you proud. PS, my DD had such bad anger episodes I took the door off to her bedroom!

Also, you should approach his real father and suggest he also contributes to costs while at Uni. I think it is standard to help our kids if we can.

Leaving home. Living under your own steam is a big step I think some kids flunk it as they don't have the confidence or don't have the courage to do it. They need support at this time imv, and there is also a risk of them not completing the course, a real waste.

While there are obviously issues between the ds and his parents I can't see what the OP has done which is so wrong. She has said he is welcome to go on living in the family home and he has a place at an easily commutable university. She's not said that she plans on cutting off any funding he currently gets, just that she's not planning on giving him enough to live independently. He'll get a loan for tuition and could easily work for a couple of evenings/a weekend day which would easily cover any other costs.

Why should the OP go back to full time work to support a son who is currently being so unpleasant live the life of his dreams? Although maybe life would be nicer for her if she did as then he would move out (it is also possible that might be enough to reset their relationship into a more positive space).

To be clear, speaking as one of the people who raised the PT issue, I'm not saying OP should go FT. I'm saying that when there's been a mutual decision for one party to reduce hours to benefit the family, as here, it's worrying if both partners see the money the higher earner earns as 'his' wage. That would be true even if it weren't for the complicating factors of a blended family and the student finance rules.

Although it's not like either of those things actually can be set aside, and it's clear that OP, DH and indeed XP are operating from a position of total ignorance about the student finance rules (as well as the current reality of the landscape for students, in OPs case at least). There needs to be some discussion. It's worrying that halfway through Year 13/Upper 6th, DH was apparently unaware that whether they like it or not, his income will be part of the student finance calculation.

Ciutadella, I agree but perhaps didn't make my post compeletely clear.
The key word here is partially The OPs DS seems to think that his mother should support him completely regardless of how he behaves or chooses to live. I was suggesting that this was a way to try and make him see that by 18 he should be looking towards being a bit more independent and showing signs that he has thought a little about how he will eventually stand on his own 2 feet.

The OP also needs to understand that her DS will need some financial support through uni. However, I'd be just as narked by the demanding and entitled attitude and looking at what I could do to 'help' him become less entitled.

I'd definitely be pissed off at the DS too, everyone in this scenario sounds like they're at least partially in the wrong.

Although the more I read some of the OPs posts again, the more I'd be interested to hear DSs perspective. Not about the shitty room, that's just rank and he needs to sort it out, but... the money stuff. And where the desire to move out came from. OP seems to be presenting it as some random, foolish youth stupidity. I wonder.

Does he actually know what he wants to do and whether uni is necessary or if it could be achieved by an apprenticeship. I'm trying to encourage my son to consider apprenticeships instead simply because I'm worried like u about the cost. Definitely worth looking at alternatives. To live away at uni now just looks too expensive

Lay down some hard and fast house rules. Agree on an amount of monthly allowance, make him feel that you will support him and that his father needs to as well. He needs to feel confident that you are backing him, his behaviour will improve as he matures but it could be that he feels overwhelmed and slightly scared of making that leap. Just support him, however horrible he is at the moment, he is still very young.