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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

346 replies

PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:42

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

OP posts:
ApplePaltrow21 · 17/02/2017 16:11

This reply has been deleted

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TheAtheist · 17/02/2017 16:11

My goodness I can't ever imagine at that age TELLING my parents that they need to fund anything for me

No, indeed, OP should be offering. He should never have been put in the position of having to ask in the first place.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 16:12

I agree with Floppy that if he doesn't go to college , he shouldn't be getting any handouts at all. That's a whole separate issue.

In fact, there are two issues : paying for uni/ supporting, which is a longer term issue and his behaviour now at 17 yo (nearly 18). His behaviour now needs bringing into check.

Bythebeach · 17/02/2017 16:12

Why is everyone so sanguine that it is the step father's responsibility to contribute to uni? Surely that shouldn't be an assumption of the state? Isn't it the parents, with parental responsibility, who should contribute? Step-parents have no parental responsibility unless they actively seek it.

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2017 16:14

YANBU about not being a general cash machine and in wanting him to sort his room and his attitude to you out.

YAB totally U about supporting through uni though. Wtf would you marry and drop to part-time work if you knew in doing so your son would 1. be entitled to a smaller loan 2. get less support from you?

TheAtheist · 17/02/2017 16:15

That is something that should be taken into consideration before later life marriages take place.

If you marry a person with DCs, you have to be prepared for the chance that they may become your responsibility (financial or residential) at some point.

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2017 16:16
Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 16:17

The system is set up so that step-parents are expected to contribute. I have argued here that it should be changed, as there are many crappy step-parents out there who don't want to know, but the fact remains, that is the current system.

DJBaggySmalls · 17/02/2017 16:17

YANBU, send him to live with his Dad. If you have to pay then he should be paying half.

C4Envelope · 17/02/2017 16:18

Fucking hell. Going to uni is a choice. One of the first real choices a young adult makes. Therefor they shiuld make that choice knowing what is involved. For example working to support themselves whilst they study. Kids and young adults need to bloody learn that for every choice they make there are repercussions. If they want to go straight to uni then yes - they have to get a part time job to fund that. If they want to go straight into work from education then they will be earning enough to support themselves anyway so wouldnt be asking for prental support. OPS DS wants to move into a flat therefor should fund that himself, if he doesnt want to fun it himself he can stay at home... life is full of choices and people need to fucking take responsibility for themselves and the choices they make.
OP I think you are correct in your opinions. Plus - only you know your own situation so only you can judge. There may be many a precious soul who was funded through uni but there are plenty of others who fucking worked their arses off to fubd themselves.

Work ethic is something this generation of young adults sriously lacks and would you believe - fucks me right off!

End of rant!

maddiemookins16mum · 17/02/2017 16:24

Half the problem these days is some youngsters assume it's their God given right to go to University regardless of the financial circumstances of the family, if they're clever enough, focused enough etc. They see their mates going and think, oh I must go too. When I was 18 my parents worked full time and had second jobs in the evening to oay their bills (thanks Maggie Thatcher). University was quite simply out of the question.
He needs a kick up the backside.

RatherBeRiding · 17/02/2017 16:28

YANBU. If you don't have the spare cash, then you don't, simple as. It doesn't matter what your household income is on paper, if you don't have the disposable income to give him for uni then that's that. And life just isn't as simple as saying "but he's your child, of course you should support him financially through uni."

As others have said, if he has a course with little actual contact time then OF COURSE he can work his way through uni. Or even choose a uni close enough to home to live at home and save on accommodation costs.

FWIW my eldest paid his own way through uni, by a combination of work and student loan despite having a massive amount tucked away in his bank bequeathed him by his grandparents specifically for uni fees. He preferred to keep the nest-egg and work his way through. Tough, but he did it.

My younger one is at uni down the road so has no accommodation costs, but despite a punishing schedule of being on placement (health related degree) still holds down a part-time job that pays living costs.

It can be done - your son just needs to re-adjust his attitude.

greenworm · 17/02/2017 16:31

I think income assessment for uni should be based on both parents' incomes, not one parent and stepparent.

How much are full fees now, and how much loan can you get in student loans per year? I have lost track.

IfeelFloopy · 17/02/2017 16:32

No, indeed, OP should be offering. He should never have been put in the position of having to ask in the first place.

The difference between 'asking' and 'telling'. Not unreasonable to want help to be able to go to uni...but unreasonable to TELL a parent what they're going to pay for. It's the attitude that goes with it.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 16:33

Thanks for the sensible debate and opinions (applepaltrow, not so much ... opinions are fine, personal attacks are not so feel free to fuck right off with those).

I've spoken to DS and told him he needs to find out exactly how much money he will get from uni, how much he actually needs and THEN speak to BOTH his parents to discuss further support. So far he's not bothered to do any of this and according to the website I've just been on we'd be expected to cover £2k a year which we simply could not do. We have other financial commitments which we can't just drop.

Secondly he is going to his local uni. No need for him to move out but he wants to which is further pushing up the financial strain.

Thirdly I worded my previous post badly, I don't let him stay in bed, as soon as I catch him I go ape shit and send him off to college ... which is normally met with "in almost 18, I can do what I want!".

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 17/02/2017 16:34

That is the other option - he commutes and you allow him to love rent free. His loan will go further then.

SarcasmMode · 17/02/2017 16:34

I didn't go to uni though hope to do OU when kids are older.

My sister however went to uni and worked st a bar alongside uni.

My Dad was on 22k ish Mum was PT at about 6k and they had a mortgage - they also had me to look after so they just couldn't afford it.

Unfortunately it's one of those things that if you want it enough you will make it happen. It's not your parents fault if they don't have enough income.

GoodGirlGoneWrong · 17/02/2017 16:35

Yanbu! At 17 I had a weekend/evening job! My parents gave me hardly anything! Maybe clothes on a birthday. I was given an old car to learn to drive but all lessons I had to pay for myself.

My parents gave my elder brother a free pass to uni - me they couldn't afford it so I went out and worked as an apprentice gaining my qualifications. That brother is now on his 4th degree mainly paid for by my parents....yes I'm bitter!

He's going to learn some harsh realities of life shortly.

I would not tolerate my children speaking to me or DH like that.

ZombieApocalips · 17/02/2017 16:36

If he can't be arsed to go to college, why is he considering uni? Why are you indulging him by allowing him to sleep in and be lazy?

I don't understand why you are caving in to his money demands. I would up the £50 (maybe to £100?) and say that there will be no extra handouts. If he needs more then he needs to find a job. Just tell him that he needs to mind his own business about your finances.

Just tell your son that if he wants to go to uni then he needs to take out the maximum loan and assume that you'll support him with the amount of money that his pocket money is. If that's not enough, he needs to take a gap year and work like crazy to save or consider ways to reduce costs like driving to the nearest university daily.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 16:36

He is very welcome to stay here rent free. He just doesn't want to and I don't see why I should foot the bill for that decision!

OP posts:
Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 16:38

The university is a 30 minute bus ride from our house.

OP posts:
ZombieApocalips · 17/02/2017 16:38

X-post Are you scared of him? You can't magic money that you don't have so just say no to financing his grand ideas like moving out. If he really wanted it, he'd work for it.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 16:40

I'm not scared of him, I just don't like saying no to him and upsetting him as I do realise it's my decisions that have put him in this situation however ... he didn't complain about that decision when it worked in his favour ... I.e big holidays, big house etc.

It's not like he's lived a life of hell since I got married!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 17/02/2017 16:46

For what it's worth YANBU.

I think he needs to be told to come to you with all his costs. This is what my dad made me do. Then we went from there. He clearly has a fair amount of growing up to do.

So he needs to tell you his costs now. And his costs for next year at uni. And what his contribution will be to covering those. And what contribution his dad will be making. Any bits of information missing then it's a no deal. So if he doesn't bother asking his dad. No deal.

I might also say that you think you might be able to match what his dad gives him.

I'd also explain that as DH isn't his dad, he already has one of those, money from DStepD is not a right whatever the injustice of that might be. And that DH actually has a right to say who spends his cash on what. Ask if he was DH would he want to give him money. And maybe he can think about how that situation could be changed.

All his costs though. If it's not on the list his problem. Then you can take that budget to DH.

My nieces were made to keep an itemized account of spending with receipts for their first term at uni. They were reimbursed for reasonable purchases.

We have already started talking to our preteens about this. They have an allowance and have to budget for the whole year. Currently just for clothes but gradually that will have other things added in.

happypoobum · 17/02/2017 16:47

OP I think you are making the classic mistake of engaging in fruitless argument with a teenager. I understand, I have done it myself, but a lovely mumsnetter called MaryZ pulled me back from the edge and told me to treat my teenagers like annoying lodgers Grin

  1. If DS isn't attending college he won't be going to Uni anyway. Deadline for applications was last month - has he been told what he needs to get to attend the local uni he wants to go to? Will he achieve those grades?

I really would not try to persuade him to stay at home - he should be living in halls or shared rental like other students.

So if his maintenance loan won't cover his rent and outgoings, he needs to work to make the extra, like other students do - topped up by you and his father as best you can.

You may find that once he has left home he has far more idea of how much you have been doing for him and is more appreciative and your relationship improves.

My DD is at uni in London and only the students from the most privileged backgrounds don't work, everyone else has a PT job.

Re the other stuff, he will have no incentive to get another job if you keep bailing him out so I would refuse aside from basics - bus fare/mobile/basic clothing. I wouldn't give him money for socialising etc. If he wants that he will have to work.

re the room etc - let it go. He will be gone soon enough and you can sort it out then.

re the rudeness, try to ignore and don't bite. If you act a lot more disinterested when he pushes your buttons he may start behaving. It's a bit like dealing with a toddler, ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

Good luck!