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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shut her in the front room

222 replies

shesgrownhorns · 12/02/2017 20:47

Dd has been an absolute little madam recently. She's been pushing the boundaries for a while now, which is normal I suppose and I'm a very easy going mum but I've had enough of the bed hopping, endless long goodnights, etc. She's 7 almost 8. I've put my foot down and decided that enough is enough. When I say enough is enough I simply mean that one story plus a few chapters of an audio book plus endless cuddles is enough and she's just got to stay in her own bed when it's lights out.

Dd was not happy with this change in routine and has been downstairs and planted herself defiantly on the sofa for about 8 times. Poor dh has taken her back up only to be immediately followed back down.

In the end I've just asked him to stick her in the front room, and tell her not to come out. Of course she came out. I put her back in and gave her a book of the book shelf and told her stay in there and read that if you're so wide awake.

I looked in on her and asked if she was ready to go up yet and she just looked up from the book she was pretending to read and stuck her tongue out at me.

I'm thinking the next port of call if this fails is the cellar, or maybe out on the front step.

Not really, but you might know where I'm coming from....

AIBU and if I am, what should I do?????

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 14/02/2017 06:23

Children are happier, healthier and learn more when they're well rested.

To all those claiming that tucking a child into bed and expecting them to stay lie down and go to sleep is abuse I have no idea what to say Confused

To me allowing a child free reign to rule the roost and dictate at the expense of everyone else is far worse abuse. Parents are supposed to parent not friend.

Fadingmemory · 14/02/2017 06:32

DS tried this. Without taking any notice of him we would both walk upstairs to our own room and shut the door. Deprived of an audience he would then go back to his own bed. After a few nights he gave up.

Hatemylifenow · 14/02/2017 06:49

ankle

I completely agree.

LouKout · 14/02/2017 07:28

There's parenting and then there's chucking a 2 year old's toys in the bin until she gives in. Even if they are "overgendered". Hmm

LouKout · 14/02/2017 07:29

I still remember being upset because my mum took some toys to a school sale that she thought i didnt want. 40 odd years later.

LouKout · 14/02/2017 07:30

To the OP..you need to look at why she is doing the behaviour and what she wants from it. Which seems to be attention. So dont give it, be firm, and give attention at other times.

ExPatchwork · 14/02/2017 08:00

To all those claiming that tucking a child into bed and expecting them to stay lie down and go to sleep is abuse I have no idea what to say

I don't think anyone is saying that though are they? They are saying the coercion is. Dragging a child by the hair, locking them in the room, yelling at them so they are too scared to come out of their room, throwing their toys away. Shall I make a thread in relationships and ask people if my DH doing that to me is ok? Do you think they will all tell me to stay with him and do as he says? If the answer is no, why is it ok to do that to a child?

ExPatchwork · 14/02/2017 08:01

Sorry, forgot to put anklebiter's name in there.

anklebitersmum · 14/02/2017 08:41

Oh gosh patchwork I totally agree! I felt that there was some ambiguity in the post that implied that putting to bed and expecting them to not be a pain for hours was inappropriate.

Maybe I over-read, text is easy to misconstrue.

Hatemylifenow · 14/02/2017 08:51

Why do people always compare children to adults? It's a stupid comparison. If my DP was keeping me awake all night on purpose and/or constantly poking at me while I was trying to do things for myself, I'd LTB.

It's like the argument about sleep training isn't it - "you wouldn't leave your DP crying in the night so why do it to a child?". Yes I would actually if he was waking me every half hour screaming for a drink.

treaclesoda · 14/02/2017 08:58

I don't think a straight comparison between an adult and a child is necessarily helpful. But the comparison I make for myself is would I do it to a dementia patient or someone with learning disabilities? The answer for me is no, I wouldn't lock my elderly aunt in her bedroom screaming and distressed. Therefore I wouldn't do it to my five year old.

Other people may disagree and that's up to them. But I'm not a weak ineffective parent who refuses to discipline. There are consequences galore in my house if necessary. But I have a five year old who is terrified of being alone. I'm working on changing that, but whilst I could terrify him into staying in his room if I chose to, it wouldn't actually sort out the underlying issue. It would just leave him, ironically, terrified both of being alone and of me. Which wouldn't be a great experience for him.

bertiesgal · 14/02/2017 09:00

Ankle and patchwork the posters you're both referring to were totally out of order and called out repeatedly on it by several others. I actually meant to report them and will do once I figure out how to.

However, lots of people have given some very good advice.

It may suit some people to spend a good portion of their evening settling their exhausted child.

It would drive me bonkers.

Selecting the two extreme and frankly abusive suggestions on the thread and then implying that they are consistent with the general nature of the thread is disingenuous.

I wonder if you both feel a little bit insecure about your own approach?

Just because people take a different approach to you, doesn't make them abusive!

Farandole · 14/02/2017 09:16

There's parenting and then there's chucking a 2 year old's toys in the bin until she gives in. Even if they are "overgendered". hmm

You can hmm all you want, but I'm not the one with an 8 year old sticking her tongue at me. I've got lovely well adjusted children, for which I'm very lucky, and I have also parented them and still do.

There's no fundamental difference between binning toys and taking away privileges (e.g. Tablet). So get off your high horse - it is a good thing for children that age to understand about the permanency of consequences.

Hatemylifenow · 14/02/2017 09:18

This child is 7 fgs. Old enough to know better.

I remember constantly taking (or trying) to take the piss at that age.

Farandole · 14/02/2017 09:19

I still remember being upset because my mum took some toys to a school sale that she thought i didnt want. 40 odd years later.

This is your own issue. My children want for nothing, and they are not so possessive about their toys.

cunningartificer · 14/02/2017 09:19

When I had a similar problem with my son I despaired of getting a good routine going, but worked out he was lonely and hated the sound of us downstairs enjoying ourselves without him! You may need to do it in stages. He was a lot smaller but still frisky! Started playing soft classical music in his room after story time and sat there until he settled. Then next nights music outside while I pottered around the room or landing tidying up, then next nights ironing on landing, if son came out he could see nothing going on, put back to bed, eventually music alone was enough.

LouKout · 14/02/2017 09:22

All 2 year olds are possessive about their toys. It doesnt mean they have "issues".

LouKout · 14/02/2017 09:22

If i get to the stage of threats about taking away my childs toys i check myself as i know that is me losing it

Farandole · 14/02/2017 09:29

Maybe you should also check yourself before labelling complete strangers as child abusers over fricking Little Ponies. Seriously, do you have no sense of perspective?

Your issue is that you still harbour resentment over lost toys from 40 years ago.

LouKout · 14/02/2017 09:32

I didnt label anyone a child abuser.

LouKout · 14/02/2017 09:32

Yes i am obsessed with the toy from 40 years ago Hmm

Farandole · 14/02/2017 09:40

The combination of saying I wasn't parenting my DD, the hmm face and saying I was 'losing it' leads itself to a logical inference about what you are not saying expressly, but are implying through your posts.

Ah, the might of the internet warrior.

Hatemylifenow · 14/02/2017 09:45

Reading this thread I'm not remotely surprised that many of the students I work with have screaming tantrums when they don't get their own way.

BertieBotts · 14/02/2017 09:57

While I agree some of the suggestions on this thread are awful. I don't think it's draconian to expect a 7yo to stay in their room after bedtime and not come out? Especially when the penalty is something token like removing the tablet for the next day. Obviously, you'd make an exception for emergencies (we did have to explain what constituted an emergency to DS: Fire, blood or vomit, plus of course he can use the toilet, but doesn't need to tell us about it) But if they are allowed to wander out and share their every whim or wondering, they'll never relax enough to actually go to sleep which is what you want/need them to do.

Perhaps it seems draconian if your child only talks to you about important things after bedtime, but most of them go on about such waffle, which is fine, but they need to learn that there's a time and a space for thought sharing and processing and a time and a space for relaxing and lying still so that they can sleep.

Farandole · 14/02/2017 10:04

Do you actually think that there will be 18 year olds that won't self settle?

Actually my sister (now 51) was in a lot of pretty awful relationships because she couldn't bear spending a night alone. When her husband travelled for work I had to go and spend the night at hers. To this day she suffers from terrible insomnia, and never sleeps without pills. So yes, I imagine it can happen.

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