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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To shut her in the front room

222 replies

shesgrownhorns · 12/02/2017 20:47

Dd has been an absolute little madam recently. She's been pushing the boundaries for a while now, which is normal I suppose and I'm a very easy going mum but I've had enough of the bed hopping, endless long goodnights, etc. She's 7 almost 8. I've put my foot down and decided that enough is enough. When I say enough is enough I simply mean that one story plus a few chapters of an audio book plus endless cuddles is enough and she's just got to stay in her own bed when it's lights out.

Dd was not happy with this change in routine and has been downstairs and planted herself defiantly on the sofa for about 8 times. Poor dh has taken her back up only to be immediately followed back down.

In the end I've just asked him to stick her in the front room, and tell her not to come out. Of course she came out. I put her back in and gave her a book of the book shelf and told her stay in there and read that if you're so wide awake.

I looked in on her and asked if she was ready to go up yet and she just looked up from the book she was pretending to read and stuck her tongue out at me.

I'm thinking the next port of call if this fails is the cellar, or maybe out on the front step.

Not really, but you might know where I'm coming from....

AIBU and if I am, what should I do?????

OP posts:

ExPatchwork · 13/02/2017 12:37

helpful but it's ok to normalize shouting at your children to get them to do what you want them to do? By your logic that would mean people are teaching their children to stay in relationships where they are shouted and screamed at because they don't dare to disobey what their partner decrees?

witsender · 13/02/2017 12:42

Exactly Patchwork, I am quite happy to nurture the little flame of defiance both my children have as it will serve them well in adulthood. I do not expect my.children to do what I want all the time, and a day where there is shouting in our house is a rare one, and certainly not the norm.

witsender · 13/02/2017 12:44

I remember desperately dropping notes over the stairs when I was little trying to get attention, and being yelled at and sent back to bed. Sure I stayed there, as fear of my parents, dad in particular saw to that but more oten than not I would cry myself to sleep and absolutely yearn for some affection or attention. So don't kid yourselves, obedience doesn't always mean you are a better parent, it may just mean your kidshave either given up or have been scared into submission. That's not good enough for my children.

Chathamhouserules · 13/02/2017 12:52

Yes, I remember having a horrible nightmare and I went to see my parents who shouted at me to go back to bed. So I did. This is slightly different to OP, with the tongue poking out etc. But shouting isn't always the best thing to do. And to be honest, I think I would be a bit more confident to speak out now to 'figures of authority' if I hadn't been shouted at (into submission) when I was small. Maybe shouting works well for some children, but I think for others a different approach is better.

Original poster

shesgrownhorns · 13/02/2017 12:58

Morning everyone!

I have actually been crying with laughter at some of these tales. There are certainly lots of avenues I can take!

Shall I tell you how it goes this evening? xx

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 13:14

I have actually been crying with laughter at some of these tales.

Really? I think people's experiences have been quite upsetting. I've seen little to make me cry with laughter.

Jett99 · 13/02/2017 13:14

Yes! :)

Starduke · 13/02/2017 13:18

I sit with mine until they go to sleep (they're 5 and 2). This way they settle quickly and quietly and go to sleep happy. The 5 year old in particular used to be awful at bedtime (scared stiff) so this is my compromise.

I will eventually stop but not yet. He does wake in the night and not call out to us so he can go to sleep by himself (he doesn't call out to us because he wants a star the next morning!)

OutsSelf · 13/02/2017 13:48

*They will be in halls of residence with 7 (or more) other 18 year olds in neighbouring rooms, but no parents to cuddle or sit in their room with them until they fall to sleep

If it works for you when they are babies fine but please think about what will happen to them as 18 year olds if they never learn to fall asleep by themselves.*

Are you kidding? Do you actually think that there will be 18 year olds that won't self settle?

AlphaBites · 13/02/2017 14:12

I've just read a post about binning a toy - permanently - for a 2 yr old

I couldn't do that to a toddler.

I had my own battle on the weekend with my 7.5 DD, I threaten to take away toys and have on occasion, but these are back on her bed for when she wakes up. I never have to go further than that.

If it helps OP I have had to wrestle the tablet off mine as well. She lost the tablet for a week and I noticed an improvement in her behaviour which had me a bit as she is only allowed 30 mins a day. This has been stripped to every other day as I so find it affects her behaviour. No technology in her room either, she's never been allowed a tablet or TV in her room in the evening.

Good luck with addressing her behaviour, it'll get hard at times and you'll feel evil too probably but long term it's worth it. and for the meantime.

bertiesgal · 13/02/2017 14:37

A few folk have mentioned the cruelty of leaving a child in a dark room and I'm worried that they're referring to my suggestion of everyone going to bed and shutting everything down downstairs.

Of course, the child would have the option of going to bed too. I would never advocate "leaving a child in a dark room" but if they are wanting to stay up to be part of the biz, then remove the biz.

They'll quickly realise that it's pretty lonely downstairs when everyone else is in bed. They have the option of bed at any time-it's about giving them some control/adult choices but making them realise that with great responsibility comes consequences.

Also, the stuff about ADHD is beyond ignorant and offensive. Anyone who works with children with ADHD would have a completely different perspective. The poster who first brought up ADHD is being antagonistic and ignorant as far as I can see.

to anyone hurt by their words.

bertiesgal · 13/02/2017 14:37

A few folk have mentioned the cruelty of leaving a child in a dark room and I'm worried that they're referring to my suggestion of everyone going to bed and shutting everything down downstairs.

Of course, the child would have the option of going to bed too. I would never advocate "leaving a child in a dark room" but if they are wanting to stay up to be part of the biz, then remove the biz.

to anyone hurt by their words.

Chelazla · 13/02/2017 15:34

Patchwork You sound a truly lovely mum, I think you need a bit of a middle ground. The poster on her saying my children wouldn't dare etc etc... 1- why would you ever want your child to fear you? 2- you can only rule through fear for so long. At that point all respect is lost. I love my mum to bits but she shouted a lot and smacked. She is now soft as candy floss with my kids and would probably refuse to recognise how she was when we were growing up. I never doubted she loved me but I never got why she was like she was. My Nan in contrast was the most loveliest, patient and kind woman you could wish to meet. I bet it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out who I try to emulate... Though I doubt I'll ever manage it. I actually think my mum being so harsh is partly why I'm such a push over.

Farandole · 13/02/2017 15:38

Alphabites, no need for the sadface - it's not like I binned her favourite cuddly toy! We had (still do) an obscene amount of toys, as do most families. I never cared for those My Little Ponies, they stink and are overgendered, and a jolly good riddance that was to bin them. She caved after a few nights.

She didn't have night terrors, she wasn't scared or anything, she didn't have ADHD, she was just acting up. As two year olds do.

DD is turning 8 this week and seems to have survived the trauma :).

Not everything in life has to be about positive reinforcement; sometimes, punitive consequences work.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/02/2017 16:24

@Chloe84

No, that's not quite what I mean. DS1 gets full bedtime routine - kindle, bath, stories etc - but if he's adamant that he's not tired at 'bedtime' then he can play quietly in his room until he is tired, then call us to sing songs before sleep. So, no adult interaction during that time (past bedtime) but PLENTY the rest of the time.

Positivitee · 13/02/2017 16:39

I agree with @witsender the disrespect towards children in this thread is horrible. A lot of you post as if your children are a terrible inconvenience on your life.

Hatemylifenow · 13/02/2017 16:42

pos

They are

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 16:45

Understood, ATruth thanks

bertiesgal · 13/02/2017 17:00

But sleep is soooo important for little minds and bodies. Putting a routine in place that works is not treating children like an inconvenience, in fact it can be hard work and is tearing them like an important and valued little being who deserves the best start in life.

My kids would happily watch movies all night. There are no devices/ TVs in their room and we work hard at ensuring they feel warm, loved but go to sleep at a decent time.

It's also really good for our marriage for us to have a few hours together as a couple where the kids are not our entire focus (although 90% of our chat is about the kids).

I can't see how wanting a good night time routine for your children is treating them like an inconvenience, quite the opposite in fact.

Hatemylifenow · 13/02/2017 17:08

I'm not going to apologise for wanting some alone time with my other half.

lemureyes · 13/02/2017 17:48

SUPERNANNY!

Put her to bed, say goodnight.
First time she gets up take her straight back to bed 'its bedtime now darling' if she struggles make no reaction just take her to bed.
Second time she gets up 'its bedtime now' repeat taking her to bed calmly.
Third time she gets up 'its bedtime' take her to bed calmly.
Every single time after that do not say anything to her as you take her to bed CALMLY (yes you will feel at some point that she is starting to break you)

No tablet or TV should be in her bedroom, this gives her freedom to stay up late without you knowing.

MongerTruffle · 13/02/2017 18:53

I then feel terrible enforcing any consequences

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/02/2017 19:18

@positivitee - I agree, some of the comments are borderline abusive (some not even borderline) but a lot of us are giving suggestions for reasonable adjustments that will not harm the child in question, but will allow her parents to get some much needed down time. I genuinely believe I am a better parent if I get some time to myself each day.

isadoradancing123 · 13/02/2017 20:50

It may be difficult, but, bad behaviour should not be tolerated and you are the parent, she is the child

brasty · 13/02/2017 21:17

Every time you give in and make concessions, you are really teaching her that if she complains long and hard enough, you will start to fold. This actually makes your life way harder in the long run.

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