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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

245 replies

pizzafrenchfries · 12/02/2017 11:09

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/02/2017 11:11

Ignore them. They are stupid and interfering.

What do you feel? You're the only person in a position to judge.

Fathers don't get this sexist bullshit.

SkafaceClaw · 12/02/2017 11:13

You are doing the right thing. Ignore!

Totally ridiculous, you have a supportive partner - I can't understand what the issue is?

user1483300717 · 12/02/2017 11:14

How old is your son? Is it one day per week your are away from him? I'm trying to understand the situation.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/02/2017 11:16

It's the great motherhood myth at work. Anything less than a fetishing of motherhood and emoting about how it's the best thing that ever happened to you and your child is your whole world is seen as odd.

Parents can love and care for their children and have a life outside of the child.

Who the fuck does the woman thing she was to comment? She has a qualification in stretching.

megletthesecond · 12/02/2017 11:16

Ignore. She's bat-fucking-shit.

Magzmarsh · 12/02/2017 11:17

The yoga instructor totally overstepped their mark, especially about the c section. Either you're not coping as well as you think and are exhibiting signs of post natal depression/lack of interest in your son that you're not aware of or you're surrounded by judgemental twats.

ImperialBlether · 12/02/2017 11:18

There is so much here that makes me furious!

How dare they say you haven't bonded with your child when you haven't said anything to that effect or acted in that way?

You've realised you need to earn money and you've realised you can't keep on doing your previous job. It makes sense that you study for something else - it's great that you feel able to do this.

They are being very, very unfair and tbh if someone had suggested that to me I would have become depressed at that point.

corythatwas · 12/02/2017 11:20

Well, your MIL and your yoga instructor are talking absolute bollocks! That's all that needs to be said on that score.

You are clearly a confident and well bonded mum who is now taking the next steps to ensure your dc's future and setting a good example. Good for you!!!

Your MIL may well be jealous of the greater opportunities for mothers these days.

Your yoga instructor probably has a personal stake in the whole perfect-delivery thing. I had a friend who had trained in something similar and who was going on at me a good 4 or 5 years later about how if I could only have had ds at the special mother and baby unit where they give you such nice biscuits, I would not have had to go through the trauma of a section.

There was simply no way I could drive into her head that:

ds was an IUGR baby who would never had been accepted by the mother and baby unit in a month of blue moons

the day I had him by section was one of the best days of my life and the team who delivered him totally made it special

I had already had a previous vaginal delivery and was in a position to state confidently that this second birth did not represent any kind of let-down

I can buy my own bloody biscuits!!!

Broccolirevolution · 12/02/2017 11:21

You should be proud of yourself. You had a baby, train for a new career and take care of yourself with excersise.
They need to focus on their own lives.

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 12/02/2017 11:21

Who the fuck does the woman thing she was to comment? She has a qualification in stretching.

Absolutely! Fuck them. Listen to your own instincts and live the life that works for you. That's the best example you can set your DC.

OneWithTheForce · 12/02/2017 11:21

what the actual fuck is wrong with people? How dare they!

You keep going exactly as you are! (Maybe find a new yoga instructor!)

UGH I am so angry on your behalf.

deliciousdevilwoman · 12/02/2017 11:21

Find a new Baby Yoga class! Seriously, that instructor should have kept her neck wound in.

As for your MIL-so what if you are pursuing a change of career and take some exercise whilst you are out and about with your baby. These are positive things. And there is another parent on the scene to support and parent. However, even if there wasn't, you are not doing anything inappropriate or your son a disservice.

Carry on. And best of luck

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 12/02/2017 11:21

I was completely happy with how it was going

^^ this is the most important part of your post. Don't let their thoughtless comments change how you feel, your child is cared for, clean, fed and loved, you do things with him and spend one day a week away training so that you can support him when he is older aswell as your dp.

Also jogging everyday with your son in the buggy probably does him as much good as you.
A) he'll grow up knowing that exercise has it's place and is important as well as enjoyable
B) the fresh air will be good for him, and you

Ignore them, continue doing things the way you want to and how works for you and your dp, what works for you is the right way!

HappySeven · 12/02/2017 11:23

What a load of baloney! You sound very balanced and like you're happy so please don't let these people make you question yourself. Does your MIL think her son isn't spending enough time with his child or is he allowed to be a parent and also have a life apart from that child?

FittonTower · 12/02/2017 11:23

Does anyone tell your husband he's doing his son a disservice by going to work? Do they bollocks. Sexist bullshit.
And I had a health visitor inform me that I was struggling to bond with my son because I had an emcs followed by 2 weeks of high dependancy recovery where my contact with him was limited (I was too ill to do much). She was wrong, I was bonded just fine. It took all my strength not to drop kick her out the house but I did complain about her.

Helbelle75 · 12/02/2017 11:24

Rude and interfering. They have absolutely no right to comment at all. It sounds like you have a great balance and you are doing the best for everyone in your family.
Ignore themy.

Rio2016GB · 12/02/2017 11:25

I second every word broccolirevolution wrote.

Be true to yourself.

BlancheBlue · 12/02/2017 11:25

Maybe consider the nursery as MIL sounds anything but supportive.

corythatwas · 12/02/2017 11:25

fwiw I was proof-reading an article the day after I had dd by vaginal delivery. And she bonded like a little leech.

Isn't it funny how as new mothers we don't get blamed if we slump on the sofa and watch daytime television. But if we try to do something for our professional development, then that turns us into cold-hearted bitches.

I am glad my DM saw things differently. When ds was 4 months, she actually offered to pay for a day at the childminder's for him and dd, so I could think of my career. Because she felt she'd missed out.

SuperPug · 12/02/2017 11:26

You've excelled in one field, you're now studying for something else to support your family and this is their response ?!?
Your MIL sounds ridiculous and the yoga teacher sounds incredibly ignorant as well.
If I knew you in IRL, I would think your achievements were pretty bloody amazing and something to be celebrated.
Did MIL not fulfill certain goals in her life and this is her way of taking it out on you?
Possibly the yoga teacher is trying to pedal some scheme and this is her way of setting it up? Two very random guesses there.

SmallBee · 12/02/2017 11:27

Who the fuck does the woman thing she was to comment? She has a qualification in stretching.

Fuck the lot of them. They're judging you by their own ridiculous standards.
If you, DH and DC are happy then that's all that matters.
Tell that stretchy cunt to fuck off.

BertrandRussell · 12/02/2017 11:28

Perhaps it's worth spending a little time thinking/talking to someone you trust about why two separate people might think this? Are you possibly showing signs of doing too much or being depressed? Most people have good intentions- might they be worried about you, not the baby? Most people have good intentions.

But if you are absolutely sure that your own assessment of the situation is clear sighted and accurate, then ignore, ignore, ignore.

Flowersinyourhair · 12/02/2017 11:29

I had a crash c section under general anaesthetic with dd2 and didn't see her for the first two hours of her life. I bonded with her every bit as quickly/deeply as dd1 who was a natural birth.

I also go out to work because like you we have a mortgage to pay and would frankly rather do that than the alternative.

for you and sod them. You sound to me like a mum who is looking after her child.

liquidrevolution · 12/02/2017 11:30

OP you sound amazing. They sound batshit.

I had an emcs so am fuming at your yoga instructors remarks. I work 4 days a week and i finished an MSc and was promoted while on mat leave. I also didnt breast feed. I have still managed to bond with my baby.

FutureMrsRanj · 12/02/2017 11:30

You are away from your son one day a week and take him out in the fresh air every day? I'm furious in your behalf, fwiw my dc are school age and I'm forever getting comments from dm/mil about abandoning my children to go to work part time. The yoga instructor I would suggest you sit her down and have a serious conversation about how you feel well bonded but if you didn't her comments could be really damaging even if she considers herself qualified to comment that her opinion is not why you go

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