To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

God she is obsessed with getting oh under her roof isn't she! So glad your DH was there and called her on her batshit behaviour. Your house sounds like the perfect location! I really would start looking at nurseries ...

"I can now completely see how much she tries to infantalise my dh. My BIL hardly sees her which might explain a lot about her behavior!"
Or perhaps it's the other way around, her behaviour explains why BIL hardly sees her? Not that she'll see it that way, that horrible DIL has stolen her precious ba-ba .

So OP, kudos to your husband for not having ended up tied to mummy's apron strings, because it sounds as if she probably tried very hard to do that to him. Reassure yourself that the problem is hers and not yours. Totally bizarre to expect you to move in with her; who would do that when they can afford their own place?

Oh and as for "My fil is lovely but bows to her every whim." Don't be so sure of the loveliness. By bowing to her whims he enables them, and he will be her flying monkey trying to pressure you both to just bow too. With phrases like 'you know how she is', 'she just wants the best for you' and 'it would make my life easier if you'd just compromise a little'. Set your boundaries and stick to them. (It's a bit like toddler wrangling.)

Wow, she is batshit crazy. And your DH is a total star.
Yes to reducing contact, I'm afraid. And immediate alternative childcare too.

Had both mine by CS and then went straight back to work as a lawyer and bonded beautifully with them both. You sound amazing - they sound mental and it is all nonsense - someone else's agenda. Honestly just ignore, keep doing your thing and doing some exercise and loving your baby. Next!

Wow she is unhinged!

I would have thrown her out after 5 minutes of her ranting. Its all guilt tripping and completely unecessary. Its pretty pathetic that a grown woman would do something like that to her ds and his family.

Keep her at a distance, no way would she be having my kid at any time not getting back in my house without a proper apology and a promise to shut the freak up about anything that doenst concern her.

I think you are fighting a losing battle, she is never going to give up and you and your dh needs to let her know that you will never back down to her demands.

What a stupid woman

IIWY I'd be severely limiting contact for the foreseeable future.

How has it been left? I take it dh is totally on board?

I think you need to force your relationship to a more adult-adult footing. Don't put up with the guilt tripping and infantilising. Call it for what it is at the time and put an abrupt stop to it.

Chasedbybees should we just start saying 'why are you treating us like children?' Every time she starts? It feels so rude to do but then I suppose she's being rude doing it - although I can't work out if she thinks she's being nice?

I mean shes always flipped from one to the other (when we lived abroad it was all 'oh well you won't be there forever' (we were planning on being until recently) then when we came
Back it was all 'oh well why have you come back? Did pizza make you?' (No actually we decided together it was best for
Work etc.) and now she sort of implies to everybody I've dragged my
Oh away from his hobby which can't be done in the Uk (I haven't) argh.

I think the problem is she thinks my oh is perfect and I am not. Not even in the same league....

She left because we had a drs appointment we needed to go to- she s basically said she wants us to think about moving in with them
Because there's no use wasting such a big empty house on just the two of them (as in dh's mum and dad) and how they might need help in their old age (ok so they're 70 and so fit and healthy it is unreal- his dad road bikes
Probably around 40-50 miles DAILY and she goes to yoga/Pilates at the same time!) it's hardly as if either of them are in need of full time care right now! Ridiculous. She sort of bulldozes over dh which is the problem- she really does not listen. Any ideas on how we can hammer it home other than constantly parroting how we don't need/want to move?!

I think you better make it clear now you will not be her carer in her old age.

And you and DH need to call her on her BS behaviour every single time she engages in it. Do not let her talk down to you. Do not let her treat you like children. You do not need her input or approval to do anything.

I hope you're looking for alternative childcare for your child. She will undermine you at every turn.

Why is she obsessed with you all living with her? Are you UK or in a different country / culture where that is more the done thing?

Your DH needs to make it very clear he's not going to move back into his mum and dads house with his partner and child. Every time she brings it up he needs to clearly say that you three are a family now and he has no intention of living with anyone else. Because he's a functioning adult!

Your DH sounds like a great guy who maybe just doesn't bother to engage with the crazy? I can see why but he does need to stand up to her more I think. Just until she backs off.

I would make a point of only having her round your house when your husband is there. As I could not be bothered dealing with his MIL hassling me all the time!

What a headache for you :( x

I think you need to stop discussing any plans and tell her your decisions are non of her business
She has her own agenda and it is pointless reasoning with her
Remember you don't have to reason or justify
My Mum, who was lovely, once disagreed with something I was doing with DS and I just said well it's not your decision to make is it
You have to put her firmly in her place

She is being ridiculously rude and just won't listen.

I think you've probably got a few options. You could have a family meeting- you and dh, mil and fil - and be very blunt about how rude she is being and that you will not be moving in/will not tolerate her behaviour.

You could agree to only see her/let ds see her when dh is around

You could distance yourselves enormously á la BIL. Or go completely NC.

You could move.

None of these are particularly palatable (I.e. There will be a change in the situation/dynamics - sadly there is no way of going back to "normal" after this, she has said too much). But you need to talk to dh and see how far each of you is prepared to go.

Remember, if dh wants to (for example) continue contact and you don't want to, it's perfectly acceptable for you not to be in contact whilst he is.

Can you move house?! Sounds like you need some physical distance before she puts your house on the market for you!

Haha I wish we could move house although my SIL said she'd probably still find reasons to 'drop by' so I don't think it would solve anything!

I don't think I'm going to be seeing her on my own anymore - all day I've been thinking of things she's said/done that I've let go and now I'm really pissed off with her because of the sheer quantity of crap she's done really! I made my dh promise at Xmas we were never spending Xmas with them again because she was being so irritating. Dh spoke to BIL earlier and it seems she's also been messaging him about how worried she is about us- something he's said he's refused to engage in (he works in finance and travels a lot so I can imagine he doesn't even have time to reply) He did point out that my MIL Was a teacher before she had the boys and after my dh went to school she started back at work AT THE SAME SCHOOL he attended so she could be there...

My dh has said that we should look into nurseries so will be doing that over the next few weeks - I feel like she's probably spent the last few months telling my son how nasty I am for leaving him! Eugh!

My dh has said he will speak to her properly about how ridiculous the whole scenario is but whether she'll accept it it's a whole different matter. I would never demand him to go nc but I'm almost worried if I'm
Not there she'll be even worse and turn him against me eventually?!

Urgh really your DH needs to assert to his Mum, Pizza, baby and I are a family unit and we will live together in our home that we choose just like you and Dad did when we were children. You are a grandparent now and you need to respect our right to a nuclear family life like you had when I was a child.

Argh makes me want to bang my head on a wall on your behalf!

She won't be able to turn him against you

If she had that much control over him, you'd all be living with her

Trust him to be a good man. Don't lower your expectations of him because she infantilises him, then she will have got what she wants - inside your head / family, messing with you as a unit

Ignore and be strong! Good luck finding childcare, I'd get on that ASAP waiting lists can be a nightmare

Your DH sounds like a good un, and it sounds like your BIL and SIL are aware of her batshit behaviour too so I think it's more you lot against her rather than just you

This has gone beyond being nice and tactful, you just have to do some plain speaking to put her in her place.
"you raised your family where and how you saw fit, it's now our turn to raise ours as we want. Please respect our decisions. If you decide to keep commenting on them then you won't be seeing as much of us. Sorry to be so blunt but we are fed up of having to justify our every choice" - big smile and speech delivered confidently.

Don't let her see how she is affecting you. "You are doing it again.Stop it..." Delivered with a big smile each and every time. If she continues just walk out of the room. "We've told you how we feel. This conversation ends now"
You don't need to get angry, aggressive or upset. Just refuse to engage.

She's still banging on about you moving in with her? That is just so weird. I'd suggest dementia, but it sounds as if this behaviour goes a long way back so maybe not. Just an overbearing matriarch, then.