To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

Remind your yoga teacher that you'd have bonded a lot less well if you had both died in childbirth instead of getting the c-section...

Bertrand, do we know that the MIL actually agreed with the instructor specifically about the PND? The OP hasn't said that. She could have agreed with everything she said or with a specific part of it. All the OP has reported is that the MIL agreed that "I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere". And also that she was paying to much attention to her appearance.

I do think there is a lot of undiagnosed PND going on. But I also think there is a tendency to medicalise women's decisions in a way that doesn't happen to men.
("oh she's being a bit funny about it: must be her time of the month")

You need to take a few days with this and listen to your gut I think. Is what they have said troubling you because you think they may have a point?

If not, fuck em!

I'm disgusted on your behalf, tbh.
How very fucking rude of them, and how very dismissive of you having to have a CS as well! Many women end up having emergency CS, it doesn't mean that none of them manage a decent bond with their baby, what a load of tosh!

Your MIL - another story. She obviously disapproves of you studying - jealousy, maybe? Does she give off those vibes? Or more "you woman, you should be doing wifework, this 1950s still" type vibes?

As it is, you're talking about 7hours away from your baby out of a whole week. That's 1/24th of a week. Meaning you're with him 23/24th of the week (well, aside from sleeping but you know what I mean - you're in the same place as him!)

They're just being ridiculous, both of them. for you, and well done to you for taking on the studying.

the yoga instructor crossed a line.
you cannot tell people they haven't bonded with their baby.
she cannot think a weekly yoga class would bond a mother and baby if they hadn't bonded.
what a fruit loop!

does my nut it. women are meant to want it all and have it all, the kids, the career, the romance, the sex... but when anyone actually dares to have it someone is right the to knock u down!

i'm a sahm... i am doing my kids a disservice by not working. every other fucker lists the benefits of my working at least weekly. but logistically, and financially speaking it isn't viable, not yet. but people won't hear that. i'm failing all women kind by not having it all!

my point being, you can't win.

hey, some people on this thread IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU your work / study situation is nothing to do with nor does it impact upon the OP's.

If you really feel that the yoga teacher has no grounds to speak to you then I would go back and tell her that you were unhappy to be singled out, feel that she is judgemental and unprofessional and were embarassed to be singled out in such a way when everything is hunkydory.

i am sure you are doing a great job btw. Did she use the exact wording in your OP? It seems an unusually damning way to speak to a client?

Do you think they based their comments solely on you doing a course one day a week? Because that's pretty odd for one person to say, let alone two. If I were you I'd thinking seriously about whether there were any actual signs of lack of bonding.

"I do think there is a lot of undiagnosed PND going on. But I also think there is a tendency to medicalise women's decisions in a way that doesn't happen to men.
("oh she's being a bit funny about it: must be her time of the month")"

Oh, absolutely!. I just wanted to put a gentle slightly alternative view. There is a lot of pressure on women to be superwomen too. And it is possible that the OP might need "permission" to ease up on herself a bit, which loads of people telling her how wonderful what she is doing won't give her. It is wonderful, obviously. But so is pausing for breath and assessing your situation to be sure it's good for you. It probably is. But it might not be.

hoddtastic, to me it's not about my personal work situation; it's about the specific things said to the OP, and about the fact that we are talking about a woman who takes one day a week away from her baby to further her career (and therefore his future prospects) and is still being judged for it.

And generally about how a woman's decisions are not being discussed in the context of rational decision-making but in one of mental health.

Men can have mental health problems too. They often do. But that won't be the no 1 assumption by anyone who simply doesn't approve of their decision-making.

If the OP had said, "I don't feel connected to anything", or "I can't find the energy to do anything", or "I find myself acting irrationally" or even "I feel so unhappy", then I would be the first to say "go and see your GP".

But calling a woman's sanity into question simply because she is striving for professional and personal development has a long and nasty history.

So OP- if you feel ill or unhappy, go and see your GP. If you don't feel ill or unhappy, make your own decisions.

cross-post with Bertrand

absolutely agree with her point that we must allow ourselves not to be superwomen

but would add that as some women find another interest relaxing rather than stressful, in an individual case "allowing yourself not to be superwomen" might translate as "allowing ourselves not to be the perfect mother"

Please don't spend any time doubting anything.
If you feel fine following the emergency section, feel bonded with your baby and love what you're studying etc, then who is anybody (MIL included) to say otherwise.

I'm pretty sure the yoga teacher will have read something about mums not debriefing following an emergency section and then become depressed and now feels she can associate any mum who has had one with that. Whilst that is true for some mums, you cannot assume that for every mum. TBH, I wouldn't go back there. I'd find another less judgey baby yoga class and stay satisfied that you're doing really well as a new mum and have planned for your own and your family's future.

Find another class. I can imagine how gobsmacked you were and ( if your anything like me) not able to think of what to say to someone at the time - maybe later on when its sunk in what they said. She had an absolute nerve saying that to you.
Your MIL is a different matter, could be just a bit jealous that your are doing something for you and your future career, so just saying this to get at you a bit? My own parents and in laws went on and on about ' putting the kids first' at every opportunity. Made me feel guilty that i went back to work when DS1 was 6 months old ( nursery) not as common as it is now to do this, but we did it and it was very much frowned upon, they didnt even like baby sitting unless it was a real emergency.
Maybe you should look into a childminder or nursery for the days your studying, your Uni may have a creche? Your not going to get any peace now she has spoken up and you know she isnt fully supportive of you. Your doing great by the sounds of things - dont let other people's views put you off too much. i know its so hard when you have little ones, men rarely have the same hurdles when it comes to babies and little ones it seems. Nothing much changes!

You're away one day a week?! They need to get the fuck over themselves, this instructor and your mil, they have no right to say these things. What utter nonsense! You sound like you're doing a fabulous job, OP.

It's envy and jealousy OP nothing else,they have some problem in they're life past or present and they are projecting that onto you!

Take no notice,you sound like your a great Mum to your DS and what your studying is well worth it and when your DS is older he won't think you did him a disservice,I bet he'll be really proud of you.

I went back to college when I was a single mum to 4DC and none of my children felt hard done by,they were all proud of what I achieved and so was I.

I am gobsmacked that the yoga instructor even said this to you? How can she judge your bond at a one hour (?) a week yoga session? What a horrible lady.

I find with my M and MIL - they lived in a generation when you didn't have to work, they could be SAHM and without being rude towards them, they didn't have the education levels of their husbands.

We live in a different generation, most mums have to work due to crippling mortgages. Some are lucky and can afford to be SAHM, but that doesn't always mean they have a brilliant bond with their children.

You should be very proud of yourself for what you are doing xx

I grew up and lived in an African country where maternity leave is only 3 months. In that country, mothers are incredibly close to their children.

I had my kids through c-section in the UK and went back to work after 4.5 months. I was working full time and studying for a Masters degree at the same time. I bonded wonderfully and my kids are happy, healthy, balanced and ambitious.

Do what makes YOU happy. Work, study, do what works for you and your family. Your kids will be happy for it. If they struggle with it, you'll know and you'll fix it.

Do you feel well bonded? If you do and see your sons needs, that's what matters. I'd pause and really look at the situation and be honest with myself. Simply because you seem to value having a close relationship with your ds, it is likely you've bonded just fine. But it is good to evaluate. Take this as an opportunity to think about life instead of looking at is as a criticism. I know what she said must have been painful. A lot of people go on automatic and don't stop to look at life. So do try to find the positive and not let what she said push you into questioning yourself in an unhealthy way.

If you can find it in you, please tell the yoga teacher that her comments were unfounded, judgemental, unprofessional and potentially damaging.

She has no business at all making those sorts of remarks.

Mil sounds a bit jealous/ behind the times
Does she think her son should stop work to be with his child 24/7?

The comments from the yoga teacher were unfounded and totally out of her scope. There is no way she can say whether you have or not bonded with your ds, having a CS doesn't mean you can't bond or will struggle to bond with yu R child and being at Uni one day a week is NOT a sign that you haven't bonded with him.

And I say that as a mum who DID have real problems bonding with my dc (due to PD amongst other things).

She was totally out of line there.

As for youR MIL, she is basically from another area when we're supposed to stay at home until their DC started school. My dcs are teenagers and I still had those sort of comments.
I thought that we had moved on from that TBH.

Whoa! How judgemental.. Funny how women judge each other whether they gave birth naturally or via c section, breastfed or formula fed, stay at home mum or working..

In order to be the best mother to your son you need to be best version of yourself, if that is to look after yourself physically and pursue a career then that is what you do.

They sound jealous because you have your shit together.

A baby, SAHM, studying a legal course, baby yoga, buggy jogging? I'm in awe.

I find the idea that anyone else can judge your bond with your child ridiculous. Bonding is not an external thing, it is totally internal.

You sound like you have acheived an enviable balance in your life, but you do need a thicker skin.

Gosh thanks for all the replies! How
would I know if I hadn't bonded with my son? :S I completely understand
People might see things I don't but I'm confused as to what they would look for to be able to know?

For the yoga teacher - yes she did speak to me like that. She's always been quite patronizing to me and I think she thinks I'm a lot younger than I am (I'm very small and don't look my age particularly) I also know she disagrees with me on certain things (I vaccinated my son and she was very very anti and blamed any crying for the next few weeks on the vaccinations) I think now I've written it all down it's time to stop baby yoga which is a shame but we live in a very rural place so there isn't a lot on offer!!

For my mother in law - we just met for lunch and she said she felt I was spreading myself too thin but when I asked for any examples she couldn't really give them. I've offered to put him into nursery but she acted like that was even worse and definitely neglect!

I do tend to have a thick skin but the comment just made me look at the mothers surrounding me and realize all of them completely dedicate their life to their baby and maybe I was wrong for trying to do more so early- my son is nearly seven months old.

None of this would be possible without my husband who is completely supportive and a fantastic father and husband all round. The reason the comments have niggled is for instance if my husband changes a nappy or bathes him I'm now questioning if I should be the one who wants to do it and if the reason I don't is because I haven't bonded as well as I thought!

You would know.

You would feel detached, disinterested. Kind of distant from him. You would feel as though you never knew what he wanted (we all feel like this some of the time!) You would feel as though you were just going through the motions and wouldn't miss him if he were gone.

Fathers don't get this sexist bullshit.

That is everything that needed to be said.