To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

And even if you did (do) feel like that, it can still come with time and not damage him while he is so little.

Fuck me!! You sound absolutely awesome, I wish I had a tenth of your gumption and get up & go, you're setting an amazing example for your baby, I'm just showing them how to eat cake

there are no bonding issues between yourself and your son!

OP, there are no two people on earth who absolutely agree exactly how to raise a child.

People are ALWAYS going to have something to say, if they have the opportunity, and are of that ilk. You just have to learn selective deafness.

(Except yoga teacher - she has over stepped the mark by a long way, and needs to be told so, in no uncertain terms)

You are a lovely mum, doing it right for you, and will have a lovely family life and happy son.

Working mothers is hardly a news flash to most people!

You say you live very rural? I wonder if you lived in central London you'd get the same opinions?

Plenty of parents practice law. Plenty of mothers and fathers chose to have a good career. Doesn't mean you can't balance parenthood with it.

I agree that the yoga teacher sounds a little interesting in her opinion and approach. Perhaps that does need to stop! Is there a baby swimming class you could do instead?

And stop worrying if your dh changes a nappy etc. That's how it's supposed to work! 2 parents parenting!

A parents love is t shown by what they buy them or how manly hours they spend 1:1.

Yoga teacher is fucking doolally and I'm actually so SO angry on your behalf!

MIL possibly didn't have the same opportunities so is jealous/projecting. My DM can take it rather personally when I don't do things how she did them, feels like it is a judgement of her choices.

It says a lot that yoga teacher is anti vaccinations to my mind. If you didn't give birth assisted by bloody dolphins she probably does the faux sympathetic head tilt and pitied you. If you enjoy the class is continue but don't engage with her.

What you've done is remarkable, it really is: to change your career to fit family life (and to persue a good one at that) without compromising on the love, care and attention your family need.
You've managed to do what so many of us (possibly Stretchy Sue and MIL included?) wish we could do.
Green eyed monsters? maybe it's because you're not continually taking pics and posting them to instashite every two seconds that you're considered to have not 'bonded'?

You sound like an absolutely cracking mum. Don't stop what you're doing.

I was and am very much like you - 'mum' is not my one and only identity, so don't treat me like it is! And as previous posters have said - fathers don't get this at all ever. My husband is some sort of hero because he's a SAHD whereas I just get asked if I miss being at home with the children - infuriating.

So your son is 7 months and you spending one day a week from him . When did you start uni . I had no choice but to go back to work when my babies where 10 weeks old ( should have been 12 but I like eating) mums is usa have to go back to work as soon as babies are born . This year off with is a new thing.

Tell them all to just fuck right off.

My oldest DD was in nursery from 8am until 6pm from 6 months old when I went back to work. I was a single parent and had no choice in the matter. I still bonded with her and she was a bright, happy contented baby who incidentally is now at university studying paramedic science, so I must have done something right! She's very happy, still loves me and messages me daily.

Tell the stretchy yoga woman to just shove her head up her own arse and talk to it.

Why on earth didn't you just punch the gobby bitch in the face anyway?

Op ignore them. I had work commitments during maternity leave. This was totally my choice and allowed me to progress my career. It did not affect bonding in any way.

It's odd that your MIL would say she thought you needed to spend more one-on-one time with your DS if you're only away from him one day per week.It's quite a specific criticism.
Ultimately, you don't have to be a poster child for an achieving working mother or a poster child for a SAHM earth mother type. I'd ignore the pressures from both sides and try to find a little space to see how you feel.
And if you're concerned, about any of the emotions this has brought up, then consider having a chat with your HV or GP. fwiw I didn't find PND similar to depression. It's why I completely missed when I had PND.

Absolute bollocks! I had an EMCs and was at university studying too when I had my child. I made the decision to go through absolute hell and complete my year, self studying for a few weeks day and night when my child was 5 weeks old. I was ebf and my incredible mother looked after my child bringing them to me every 2 hours in our home office so I could feed. A few weeks of hell meant I could then spend 8 MONTHS on maternity leave with my child instead of a few weeks. But no, I was told I was neglecting my child and putting myself before them by my Health Visitor. My baby had reflux and lost weight around this time and the health visitor told me that my child had a metabolic disease that I'd missed due to my neglect as 'babies don't lose weight at 6 weeks old' and carted us off to the hospital!! Luckily the paediatrician took one look at my baby and said nothing wrong here at all and wrote a complaint to the Health Visitor!

I think what you are doing is great, healthy outdoor exercise for you and baby and stimulation from a different environment for one day a week is great for them. Good for you.

Dear God, it's hard to believe how people can think they can comment as some sort of high horse expert, about someone else's life.

Ignore them, they know nothing and they are completely out of order!

I am :O :O I just texted my MIL to thank her for lunch and agreeing to continue to look after my son- this is the response (have taken out names)

No problem. I can send you the recipe. Continuing our discussion earlier- I have agreed to take care of (my son) for his sake as it is very unfair on him to be losing his mummy one day a week already without throwing him into a nursery with strangers to 'look after' him. If you insist on putting yourself first then something will break. If not your relationship with (son) then your relationship with (husband). If you're spending all your free time studying then you are not focusing on what matters- (son and husband). (Husband) works very hard and needs support too. Have a think about what I've said - if you're worried about money then remember we are always here and you can all move back in with us at any point.

None of this was said at any point over lunch! (My husband was there) I feel like she is gas lighting me! ARGGHH! (She also sees me and my husband as being 15 year olds and not the 29 year olds with mortgage, careers and now a child that we are)

I think my MIL thinks we should have more 1 on 1 time because we go out a lot (me and my son) and she sees that as not spending time together alone because is at a baby group, lunch, walking etc. I really don't feel like I have a problem. I feel like everything is managed and organised and my husband agrees- I now just don't know what to do about my MIL!

ok, NOW he goes to a nursery

YABU to even consider you are doing a disservice to your son

She sounds like a delight. Tell her you will be continuing your studies and it is up to her whether she wishes to continue looking after your DS as he can go to nursery (be looked after by strangers!!!!! wow!)

I studied law whilst my DS1 was a baby and did my LPC when he was 2.5 years. Although I no longer work my boys are proud to say that I was a solcitor and DS3 (now 15) frequently tells his friends how I never lost a case (commercial lit!)

If people tell them you are not bonding laugh at them and tell them I am certain we are thank you very much.

If need be get DH to tell her to butt out.

Good luck with the studies.

If your son is happy with MIL then leave him there and just ignore her nonsense. In fact I would tell her you spend plenty of time with your child, you are working towards a better future for all of you and if she continues to undermine you then you feel your son would be better off at nursery. That should shut her up. It does sound as though she is talking to a 12 year old.

I am really quite amazed at people making these insane suggestions. No one has ever said things like that to me when I've worked or studied. It's an attitude from the 1950s

don't reply, get DH to reply. And put DS in a nursery, as of today/

Yes, agree. Nursery. Also, regarding your earlier comment about how maybe you haven't bonded with your DS because you are happy to let your DH change his nappy etc-being a parent, doesn't mean you have to always want to do these things-in fact, if you always insisted on doing them and didn't let your DH or anyone else do them, I would see this as more of a problem. Also the 1 on 1 "logic" about baby groups etc is batshit! Does she want you isolated or something? You are doing something for yourself which can only benefit your DH and DS in the long run. Time to show your DH the text and approach MIL with a United front to tell her she is talking shite, your DH completely supports your choices, and to back off!

I'd just text back maybe he'd be happier in nursery after all with ALL THE OTHER BABIES OF WORKING PARENTS!

Has your DH seen the text?

I disagree with keeping him with MIL. It is not healthy for him to be with a relative offering to care for him grudgingly, and only because she disapproves of his mother.

But ultimately it is the OPs decision. She will know what the best available alternative is.

OMG I would be incandescent.

How dare she judge you like this? You sound pretty awesome OP, studying and keeping fit, in order to further your career and your family standard of living.

I would really be tempted to put the child in the nursery tbh. I wouldn't want my baby being looked after by someone who felt so negatively about my life choices.

Your MIL should be IMPRESSED by you, not negative! As for the yoga teacher, she sounds unhinged.

What the actual fuck???

They can fuck off with their outdated fucking attitudes!