To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

She sounds awful! Horrid woman.

This is very cultural. In working when your MIL did not you make her feel that you are rejecting her choices. My DSis did this.

I live in France where it's unusual not to go back to work at 13 weeks pp. it never occurred to me to do otherwise.

For gods sake do what works for you. We are not not not all made to be sahm. I'd have murdered my kids if I'd stayed st home.

Your yoga instructor is batshit and I'd be putting in a complaint against her. Completely out of order and you are doing absolutely the right thing, loads of mums work after having babies and you are studying towards a good career that you can use to support your family

People have their own agenda when they criticise your parenting choices.

This. There's no one, "right" way. Everyone's circumstances are different. There are trade offs in all situations. You do what works for you and your family and take no heed of what anyone else thinks.

OP you are clearly a boss and threatening to people who's only measure of a woman's worth is the fruit of her womb and how far she supresses all independence of thought, mind and body to take care of it.
Sort alternative childcare, and merely continue Being A Boss (and keep the nappy changing rota in equal terms)

I've got a 20 month old DS, and am finishing my doctorate. This time last year I whisked DP & DS away to the US for 10 weeks on an academic visit, where DP took over the main parenting role, I eased back into work and DS discovered french fries DP and I are both very bonded with DS and are an equal team. Your MIL is speaking from her own limited sense of self.

That's a good point about complaining. There must be someone who you could raise that too, get her to wind her neck in if nothing else. You could start with the venue where the class is held?

My Mil asked me if I wanted her to pay for someone to come to the house to clean my oven as a 50th Birthday present.

I hope you told her to save that treat for her son's birthday, Super?

What is it with these oven-obsessed people? :) Must surely be trying to establish themselves as superior in some way to someone they perceive as a threat. Maybe a pre-emptive attack before you can criticise them on something they feel vulnerable about?

Wonder what kind of MIL I will make - will my DIL/SIL just walk all over me as I am too laissez faire? Maybe I should consider an oven-based attack too, just in case :)

Ha *Super rainbows - bet you snapped that offer up

Op, your mil is truly toxic. I went through this many years ago but my dh was not supportive. It took her doing something really awful for him to act and this was because she thought she could get away with it.

You absolutely must distance yourself. She has abused your trust, cannot respect how you want to bring up your child, is snooping in your home, desperate to find something against you, the mother of her gc. She is acting like your enemy and cannot see her behaviour is pushing you away.

Get a nursery place. As your ds grows it is often more fun mixing with other toddlers etc and is a way for him to know children he may well go to school with. The mistake I made was that I allowed my mil to collect my dd from nursery. The staff eventually asked me not to let her collect as she was so very critical and hostile toward toward them.

Let your dh take your ds to see his parents, just keep your distance and do not meet up with her by yourself in future.

Pizza
Well now you know what a toxic bitch she is you can safely distance yourself from her without thinking you need to keep trying to make allowances.

Your dh is fab, so glad he is on your side, so often we read about men who cannot stand up to their mums its pathetic really.

Definately childcare after you dh goes back to work, I wouldnt let my kid near her without supervision. She will be in like flin doing all the 'firsts' just to get one up on you.

I just dont get how women turn into complete bitches against their in laws didnt they ever think that their kids would fly the nest and find a partner someday? And as long as that partner is good for them then they come first and should be welcomed into the family?

Oh and tell her when you want her opinion about your house/oven/recycling bin in future you will give her it

So many lessons on how not to be a mil on parenting forums....I hope that when my kids have partners I will be as great as my mum was.

OP you sound to me like you have a good life balance and maybe the instructor and your MIL feel threatened/jealous and want to knock your confidence, makes them feel better if they kid themselves you are lacking I some way.

Well just to update we haven't heard from her at all today so not too sure if she's waiting for us to make the first move!

The thing is before is she hasn't been awful to me so I feel bad for feeling pissed off about her (which I suppose is exactly how she operates)

Ive been thinking today about how when we lived abroad we barely saw dh side of the family because they rarely came to visit and when they did would never stay in our house and would insist on taking us out for dinner (which I thought was weird on the house front but lovely on the dinner one...) anyways when we decided to move back MIL cleared out his childhood bedroom/redecorated it and was most put out when we said we had actually sorted out living arrangements and wouldn't be needing to stay with them... jump forward to babies birth and they visit once in hospital where she calls him 'creepy' and then leaves. They went on holiday for a month and when they got back sadly my dh's grandfather had passed away and at the funeral she made several comments to family members 'well we haven't even SEEN the baby properly since the birth. It's like Pizza has been hiding him' (erm not true at all) anyways she seemed to come round to having a grandchild after a while although has insisted we don't call her granny because she wants it to be 'organic' and the only truly time I've felt really weird is coming home and finding her curled up on my bed with my son in a bfeeding position (haven't been able to bfeed so that in itself was bizarre!) Xmas she was starting to take him
Off me/ telling everyone things as if she knew him better than me (arguing as to why he was crying) and finally when we stayed with them over the
Xmas period (they insisted) waking us
Upat 6am to take him for breakdast every morning when he actually sleeps in until 8:30am!

anyways I suppose what I'm getting at is has she been behaving weird previously or is that all normal behavior? I've just assumed MIL and SIL don't always see eye to eye and to just to leave it... now I'm unsure as to whether it's worth causing an argument (I dont like confrontation) and to try to avoid it!

That kind of behaviour is her trying to exert her presence as head matriarch. It bemuses you because you aren't playing that game. In her mind, you are a usurper. You've stolen the son she gave up her "life" for and she is trying to state to others that she is the mother figure with your son. It accentuates her insecurities that you are a threat and she is feeling obsolete, so she has gone on the attack but a low level insidious attack.

Fucking hell, pizza ....I'd run a mile.

Honestly struggling to comprehend all of that truly dreadful behaviour. I'd assert yourself quickly, quietly but firmly...and stand your ground. No need to fight but song back down to this kind of wild behaviour or she'll be calling the shots.

Your DH needs to have a word with his mother....

Agh!

Erm, no. None of that sounds normal. But that's easy to say as a) an outsider and b) in retrospect

Keep your distance - none of what you've posted sits comfortably (although that may partly be projection on my part!)

I assumed early on DS was about 7 weeks, not 7 months!! Does MIL release lots of people are back at work full time by then??

I'd have slapped the yoga instructor (emcs, didn't see him for 4 hrs, didn't hold him til 2 weeks. We're def bonded - I get cost dibs on is spare dummy, he only wants to be sick on me, and he assumed my foot is his personal stool). I hope you're not going back? And if I was your friend I wouldnt either.

I did think of two people have questioned it could you be struggling but sounds like MIL jumped on the first bandwagon that rolled into town!

Good on DH, why isnt she nagging him about the cooker?

None of that is normal behaviour. None of it.

Although now you know why they wouldn't stay with you or let you cook for them - she clearly thought you were a dangerous slattern then and that hasn't changed!

She's trying to take control of him - and the insinuations that you're a) not coping, b) failing to do basic housework and c) a closet alcoholic ALL point to her trying to get your DH to realise you're not a fit mother. In other words, she wants to take your DS off you and this is all undermining tactics so that she would have a "case" for taking him, and your DH, back into her home.

Do please stop her from doing ANY childcare for your DS. She's dangerous. :(

So glad your DH is on your side fully though - that's what you need. Stay strong, stand together on this, do NOT back down.

I thought people were over reacting saying don't let MIL look after your DS but based on your update I would be keeping a healthy distance and not letting her have him unsupervised.

No NO and afain No its not normal at all its very controlling and just too wierd.

WTF she WOKE you up to wake up the baby on her say so? No way, thats appaling.

Its all about control and 'her' way, she cant control your dh anymore so is trying it on with you and baby.

Keep your distance and let her stew. Your baby your terms, your family you both decide what happens not her.

I wouldnt let her near the baby again until she had totaly changed her ways (the bf position on the bed just gross she is delusional!)

Oh dear lord so...

She came round this am at 9:00am and when I answered the door (in dressing gown, holding my son) she said straight to my son 'oh is mummy annoyed at me? Have I done something wrong?' (all in baby speak which I absolutely hate) anyway my husband is off work today and he appeared which she obviously wasn't expecting- he said 'oh have you come to apologize?' And she came in, sat down and then half apologized before bursting into tears about how she only wanted the best for everyone and then asked me if I needed to study? (In a low whispered voice like asking if a toddler needs a wee!)

So the house was a complete tip this am as my sister is getting married in a few weeks and my husband is making her wedding present. However my son can't crawl yet so it's very easy to keep him out of the way, and obviously if he could crawl the house wouldn't be like that right now.

Anyway she then began to insist the house wasn't baby proofed, gesturing at the things left out (I have a niece and nephew who are two, and plenty of friends with toddlers, whenever they have visited of course the house has been 'cleared' so it is not dangerous.) Anyway dh pointed this out to her and she just began saying the stairs were too steep and his commute was too long (because they're linked obviously!) which then led on to her suggesting we move in with them AGAIN. When dh pointed out how mad she sounded she got very upset saying she wasn't seeing our son enough and it wasn't fair.

Eventually she left but tbh I'm honestly at a complete loss... there is no way we are moving in with them... my husband agrees completely (why would we?!) but she just does not seem to be letting it go. Also their house is completely not 'baby proofed' (think open stair cases, lots of steps to different levels) so I don't really see how she can even use that as leverage. When we bought the house we are in now she made lots of noises about had my parents okayed it and kept hold of the money that had been left to my dh in a will from a grandparent (she was an executor), which is completely illegal I may add, until she could see the house and ok it and then she transferred the cash. (As if we couldn't be trusted to have the money beforehand) She kept saying how we should wait until I was qualified to buy a house (which would be a while especially if we plan to have another baby soonish) and ignored every explanation of why we didn't want to wait and why she didn't think it was suitable. (Too long a commute for dh (20min drive not 20 min walk), opposite a pub (teeny country pub), local primary school won't be good because it's 'a village one' the list goes on...

I can now completely see how much she tries to infantalise my dh. My BIL hardly sees her which might explain a lot about her behavior!

Part of me feels sorry for her but if she just actually won't listen to us then I feel we have no choice but to cut back on contact. My fil is lovely but bows to her every whim. It's a tough position but I feel like she is a dog with a bone and will not shut up
About us moving in together until we actually do (which we won't!) I can't think of any other explanation for this behavior other than needing control!

Goodness, she sounds desperate to get you back and rather unhinged.

You are lucky you present a united front, all you can do is stand firm.

She is really controlling.

She REALLY wants both her boys under her thumb watchful gaze, doesn't she? I mean her own son and yours, obviously. She couldn't give a stuff whether or not you come too, probably would prefer it if you didn't - but she really really wants "her boy" back at her house.

Yes it's a control thing but bear in mind what I said in my previous post - she wants control of your DS too. Do not give her that opportunity - supervised contact only, and on your terms.

Again - so glad your DH is on your team. Let's hope it stays that way.