To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

the thing is, you are being a great mum by not just focusing on the few months when DS is a very small baby, but also actively planning for the future. You will be DS's mum for the rest of his life, and by keeping yourself healthy and planning for a secure financial future you have made every effort possible to make sure he is happy and safe for all of it!

What would MIL suggest as an alternative? You stay home with DS for 3 years and never leave his side, and then struggle to pay basic bills for the next 15 because you've been out of the workplace and still have to start at the beginning to retrain? As for your toga teacher she doesn't have the slightest idea about any of your circumstances. Does she really think that anyone who doesn't give birth vaginally doesn't bond with their child?

I was a sahm who had a vaginal birth and loves yoga and I think your yoga teacher was being ridiculous. It sounds like she had done a course on attachment theory and thought it made her the expert. Instead it makes her a dangerous twat! She obviously didn't attend the session on working within her level of competence.

You sound like you're doing a great job. Being a mother doesn't mean actively doing it 24/7. Surely it's more important to be fulfilled and it sounds like your giving lots of quality time to your baby - and quantity as well, after all the course is only once a week. Trust your own instincts OP, you and your OH know what's best for your child. Wonder if MIL is a bit jealous of you and wish she'd had a career?

I think lots of people think this of working women with babies/young children. They think the woman is not following a natural instinct to stay at home with baby. They question how she might choose to look after herself or her career after she's had a baby. Then they conclude it must be because you haven't 'bonded' correctly.

Sadly, when you have children, people think all sorts of things about your choices and judge judge judge all day long. One will think you spend too much time with baby and that dad should have baby more, or that you should be at home more and dad/childcarers should have baby less. That you should put them to sleep and let them cry, or that you should co-sleep and never let them cry. For everything you do, one will agree, another will totally disagree. You can never win!

Best thing to do is think - is what I am doing good enough for me and my child? Is my child loved, secure, happy, nurtured? If so, then you are doing the right thing - no matter how you do it. My dc have always been cared for by others as I have always had to work. They are happy, secure, attached dc because I am a loving, nurturing mother and their childcare environments are nurturing too.

You don't have to explain to your mil your opinions on this. Likelihood is she'll never agree with you and you'll just be 'confirming' her opinion. But her opinion does not make it fact. I would just never discuss it with her. Ask her if she would prefer you find a nursery on your day at uni. I bet she'd hate that idea and actually loves having your dc. But don't worry about her opinion. Funny thing is, often people preach one thing and have actually done another. I bet she had help when her dc were babies/toddlers and she's just forgotten about it all.

How is going for a run with your baby any different to taking them for a walk everyday?

Why on earth would a c section mean you hadn't bonded with your child? I had one too - she had to come out one way or another. It has not been something I've given much headspace to. She arrived and I loved her!

Your choices have been made thoughtfully and it sounds like you and your DH are both on the ball with homelife.

YANBU!

At whatever level some oeople resent people moving out and above the current box. Yoga teacher probably would be very happy with you being a junior yoga teacher.. BUT if tgey might have a point.. make sure you schedule equal present time in. its true that kids remember that more than time away, but they also remember unfulfilled resentful parents, and also good role models, so you can share your experiences. .but only if you have them.

Love the 'career in stretching' comment! .. why dont you patiemtly sit her down amd explain how ypu can see her body and emotional mind is being overdeveloped and you suggest she learns to think again..

i bet she has seen you baby jogging and got pissed that she has to hold in her core for an extra ten mins just to keep up...

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. But welcome to the world of motherhood - where every fucker has an opinion on your life and the choices you make. It messed with my head for the first year and now I just nod and smile and remember that I am an awesome mum. You are too.

You are doing your son an enormous service by ultimately teaching him the value of education, effort, hard work and that women can have a fulfilling career.

What onceandneveragain and witchywoohoo said. Ignore them, they're a**holes.

I was in a similar position 25 years ago. My son was an emergency c section with ongoing health problems and he was in scbu for 7 weeks born at 31 weeks. I was told so many doom and gloom predictions about not bonding I thought I had failed him. I can assure that is not the case. In fact all of mine were c sections in pretty awful circumstances and all 3 of them are very close to me. Not many 12,14 and 24 year olds spend as much quality time with their mum as they do esp amongst their friends and we are a huggy and loving family so don't let others make you fear. I had to work after my son was 4 months old for us to survive. We managed. C sections are just a means of getting the baby out of your body nothing more. All this doom mongering of skin to skin, breast feeding etc all of mine were in scbu and bottle fed and none of them are distant from me. Its how you are as a mum consistently as they grow up that makes a binding relationship. Enjoy your baby, tell the yoga teacher to sod off and be confident in your decisions for yourself and your family.

Tell your yoga teacher and your MIL to fuck off. Ask them if they would talk to new dads like that.

Because they wouldn't.

Sexism at its worst.

People also worry about birth trauma causing attachment issues. This can happen sometimes, but it's not a given and the yoga instructor was way out of line making that giant leap of imagination.These days the hospitals know how to encourage attachment. Skin to skin, lots of access to baby if in nicu etc.

tke immediate action against this yoga teacher, she is a nasty, power hungry bully. You have what she doesn't, clearly, and she is trying to tear it down.

If she has an employer, contact them and complain in the strongest possible terms. if she doesn't social media is the way to go. Certainly make it very clear o her that she is an ignorant arrogant wanker and you won't be going back.

MIL, harder to deal with, as you presumably wnt an ongoing relationship with her. i wouldn't change to nursery just because you can, it might be beneficial for the baby to have this tie with grandma.

Personally I would just say you have heard her point of view, you respect that you have very different ideas about this, and do not want or expect it to ever be referred to again.

If you love your child and interact with him in a loving and supportive way and know that he is a central part of your life, (even though you also rightly feel there are other just as important parts, husband, studying, work) then just ignore these people. They are being ignorant and sexist.

However are these people noticing a disconnection in your interaction with your child and are commenting on that? Could they be noticing some PND you've not recognised? Maybe they are trying to help?

I don't know the answer but you will and if it is the first then just ignore them.

I would not go back to that class. That instructor is rude and has some strange ideas. I don't see how a C-section affects anything. It is weird to automatically assume it would. Maybe she thinks you are going to be working really long hours because you are going into law. None of her business. If she doesn't want to work long hours she shouldn't. Your family. Your time. I can't believe someone running a business would speak to a customer like that. Don't let it get to you.

I had an emcs with my first and I returned to study law soon after too. Dd went to the university nursery and if anything it helped her immensely and she loved it. We used to go early and have breakfast together in the canteen and she still talks fondly of our mummy and dd time. My dad told me I shouldn't be studying law as my job now was to be a mother. I told him where to go. Some people are just really old fashioned and can't understand that women can and will do things other than mothering and that t doesn't have an effect on the child. You're giving your child the opportunity to bond with its grandmother which will help with future socialisation and building non parental relationships - how is that doing a disservice?

I hate this kind of bullshit! How many fathers are confronted with this crap do you think? I would imagine very few. Keep going. Your son will be proud of his hard working mother. Don't listen to doubters.

Shocking level of arseholery!

OP I'd raise my eyebrows if you told me about the running and the studying face to face too - but because I'd be impressed, not because I wouldn't improve! It's not wrong, just not the norm.

To give your MIL the benefit of the doubt, she's probably just trying to express concern in a clumsy way - often women feel they have to 'do it all' when they're struggling inside and perhaps she doesn't want you to be put under that pressure? But if you're happy then crack on, you sound inspirational!

I would formally complain about the yoga instructor - s/he has massively overstepped the bounds of training and qualification to undermine a woman making a lot of very good choices. (I'm assuming they are not qualified in treating PND/counselling - if she is god help us). If they had this effect on you what effect would would they have on someone who was more vulnerable?

MiL is a bit more tricky. If the relationship is generally good and she only responded when you asked her rather than raising it as an issue herself I'd be inclined just to see how it goes. I would also expect OH to be proactively supportive with MiL so that she is in no doubt it is a joint choice. She may genuinely feel differently but if she hasn't raised it and isn't interfering with your/OH's choices then there isn't a problem.

this thread is batshit.

i don't know if you have bonded or whatever, but if 2 seperate people are suggesting there might be an issue (people who know you/see you with your kid) then I wouldn't rule it out altogether.

A million women you've never met on the internet telling you 'you are the best mum hun' is probably not that helpful if there is an issue observed by people who know you iyswim?

It's not sexist- men don't get PND as they don't give birth. Ignore all the hysteria on this thread and the BURN YOUR MIL/REPORT THE YOGA TEACHER posts- I don't care what you do re your course etc. I have no view on leaving/ not leaving your kid, i'd be wondering why people thought there could be a problem.

I had my children and studied for my university degree. I would have gone mad 'just' being a mother. As it was I would up being a SAHM, working 2 part time jobs (4 hours a week), volunteering and studying. I loved it and my kids are fabulous. I certainly haven't damaged them. In fact, I think showing your children that you are a person in your own right is essential. The instructor was bang out of order and I'd report her. MIL- just ignore.

Those of you who think the instructor and the MIL have spotted signs of PND in the OP are missing some rather give-away cues about what they base their judgment on:

the instructor said: "she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete"

this is a woman who believes that women should find their whole identity in motherhood and that if a woman wants an additional interest that shows there is something wrong with them as mothers

she wasn't hoping the OP would feel happier or bond more with her son: she was hoping she would give up studying law- that is a pretty telling remark!

the MIL said: "I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere"

so another one who thinks a mother should not be allowed to take even one day away from her baby because it is WRONG. And should not be allowed to care about her appearance- presumably because it sends the wrong signals of non-mumsiness

When people speak to you, listen to what they are telling you about themselves, OP; that is almost invariably as instructive as what they are saying about you.

Report stretchy to the high council of stretchiness and then forget her. Everyone thinks you need their half baked theories when you've just given birth. Arm yourself with an invisible force field to deflect busybodies and enjoy your runs.

And flick the Vs and pull faces behind MIL's back... it's very satisfying.

(I'm not feeling very mature today)

As I said, just check, clearsightedly, whether you might be a bit depressed or overdoing it. You don't say how old the baby is. And two people with no obvious agendas are concerned about you.

And please don't feel put under pressure by all the people on this thread telling you how amazing you are. You obviously are - but it's actually OK to be a bit less amazing sometimes!

The yoga teacher is stupid and nasty to say such an idiotic thing.

Some people are less gushy and openly 'warm' (can't think of the right word but hope you know what I mean ) than others - it doesn't mean there is any less love or bonding going on.

I'd either speak the the yoga teacher about it and explain to her that her comments were ridiculous or I would avoid her for evermore.