To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

Husband needs to reply to this. Congratulations on him seemingly being highly supportive with a mother like that!

The yoga woman you can get rid of easily (and should). Your MIL - there you need to get your DH on side. He needs to know his mother is undermining you like this. There will be fallout, but you have to form a united front. If that means your DS goes to nursery one day a week, so be it. FWIW my DDs were both in full time nursery from 6 months. They are now 14 and 16 and you could not wish for two more confident, secure and attached teenagers who have a good relationship with both parents. They are also both ardent feminists, wonder how that happened.

Stand up for yourself, OP- you are doing a stellar job here.

Okay
Your Mil is a nightmare. That text is so awful. If she is like this and your son is only 7 months old, she is only going to get worse. Also, if she sees you are ruffled by what she has said, there is no knowing what she will do or say next.
You need to put an end to her day minding him now. I generally think babies spending time with GPs is a lovely way to bond, but in this case it will be a constant stream of niggles and will dent your confidence.
You sound like you're doing an amazing job planning to provide for your ds. I am angry on your behalf!
Your DH needs to support you and stand up to his Mum. You are both happy with your arrangement and that is all that matters.
I also think the yoga teacher needs reporting for her appalling, unasked for and unhelpful comment. Do you know if she is a member of an umbrella organisation like The British Wheel of Yoga. The very least I would do is contact her and let her know how she made you feel.
Luckily you posted this thread and received support, but if she says that to another Mum of a young baby she could do real damage.
Take strength from the support you have had here. Follow your instincts, ignore your Mil and enjoy your baby!

That's terrible of your MIL to text that

Make sure your husband knows about it - actually SEES it. And ask him to call his mother to nip this in the bud. She needs to understand that you're doing something that is fulfilling and that will help to provide for your family - that you share that responsibility along with your husband - and that he shares parental responsibility with you; that you both want to provide him with positive role models as he grows up, demonstrating resilience and initiative etc etc - use your own words to articulate what's important and why, but absolutely address it head on.

Personally I would be keen to keep your son in her care one day a week to help them develop a relationship, but she has to understand that it's with no strings or conditions attached and that the judgement has to stop. If she's unhappy with your decisions, you're happy to consider nursery or a childminder.

As for the yoga teacher - she's a sanctimonious crunchy type. Ignore. What she said was out of line.

Are you always on the go OP? How much time do you spend running daily?

No,no - she needs to be advised that she has overstepped and that you will not be engaging in further discussions with her on this topic. otherwise you in for a lot of unsolicited advice. She is a) wrong in every possible sense b) ignorant c) living in some 50s time-warp d) just plain nosey and rude.

I would tell her son the degree to which she has offended you, be clear that he needs to deal with it and start looking for a nursery spot.

Urgh, just urgh who do these people think they are!!!!

Seriously when I had my eldest due to the maternity rules then and the fact my then DH was studying at college (mature student) I had to be actively seeking work from when DD was 6 weeks old.

Your MIL is being ridiculous, what has your DH said about her text. Why does he not have to prioritise his relationship with his son and wife just because he works!!

I have 5 sons and one stepson and had to return to work when each of them were four months old (apart from stepson) because the maternity leave was different then the youngest one is 18. My MiL and DM never questioned this at all they kept their opinions to themselves and we all just got on with it.Which is what your MiL and ridiculously interfering yoga teacher need to do.Children need busy active interesting parents as you obviously are.

Remind your yoga teacher that you'd have bonded a lot less well if you had both died in childbirth instead of getting the c-section...

That's spot on. Yoga woman is clearly not very bright and has all the tact and empathy of a dishcloth.

MIL - oh dear. You need to get your husband involved to deal with that problem. What about FIL and your own parents? Does your husband have any siblings? You need support here.

FWIW, I think you sound great. Good luck!

Wow!

Women have always worked. The only reason why women not working became a 'thing' after WW2 was because the gov. was desperate to provide jobs for soldiers returning after the war, so they invented SAHM as a guilt-trip to make women leave jobs. OK, most women did a kind of part-work, part-parent type arrangement (which you're doing) rather than a FT job away from home.

How would MIL feel if your DH gave up work to be a full time parents? (Would his willy fall off because he wasn't being the FT worker with a subservient, supportive wife?)
How will your DS & DH feel if they grow up virtual strangers because they never get proper one-on-one time?

I went back to work FT when DD was 4 months, and she went to nursery. The 'strangers' there who 'looked after' her are still people we were friends with 7 years later (when we moved) because they were so great with her.

She's 13 now, and we have a really good relationship. No problems with bonding or anything.

Is there anyone you can complain about her to? I would be worried she may be saying this crap to some very worried first time young mum and making them feel guilty over nothing and worried that they are doing something wrong. Is the class run via the health centre? I would be making a complaint to the practice manager or Health Visitors. Thats dangerous and wrong information to be telling people.

Who in their right mind thinks that women who have cesareans dont bond with their babies? Its very patronising and totaly ignorant. I had an emergency section and saw my son come into the world as I did with my other son (elective section due to problems that occured with first) didnt make a blind bit of difference to me as long as they got here.

And put your mil right too, working and studying isnt going to damage your relationship with your child at all, how different is it to the hundreds of other mums who work. And especially if he is asleep when you are studying. Its just rubbish, dont let her get away with it, tell her its your baby and your life end of. Oh and ask her if your oh is damaging his realtionship with his child by working? That should shut her up.

Wow

Your MIL is a treat!! What about the fact that you are working fucking hard 24/7 what with parenting and studying and DH should be supporting you and making sure his relationship with DS doesn't suffer what with him being out at fucking work!!!

This is not the 1950s MIL!

I think your husband needs to reply to that text and stand up for you.

I saw that she said she was worried about you spreading yourself too thin, and that is a real thing that you need to look out for but it is absolutely up to you and your husband to sort out, not her.

I would be furious about that text. One day a week is nothing. Absolutely nothing. He will actually be a better more rounded child if he is used to spending time with others.

You need to hand your DH your phone and have him read the message.

Tell him if he needs to sort his mother out immediately or your relationship is going to have some serious problems.

Your role in life is not to look after your son and DH. You and your DH are meant to look after each other and your child together. You both should want the best for each other in terms of what makes each of you happy and fulfilled, and that includes your studies and future career.

Your MIL is out of line, and I wouldn't use her for childcare after a message like that.

You actually sound like you have a great balance. And studying and running are probably both helping you in your role as a parent. I would probably reply something excruciatingly polite like 'I am glad you feel able to express your opinions. I feel that you are judging my choices unfairly and do not fully appreciate the equality dh and I have in our relationship, and the strong bond I have with ds, which brings me pleasure and amazement every day. I will discuss your words, which have hurt and upset me, with DH and he will contact you further.'

Just out of interest, how old is your son? Sorry if it's already been mentioned, I haven't read the whole thread.

The yoga teacher is an absolute twat and personally I wouldn't be spending another penny at her class.

Your MIL sounds like a Stepford wife. This isn't the 1950's FFS.

Ok I realise I'm a bit late to this and there are obviously wider issues in your community / family - not sure if issues is the right word, but basically it seems that culturally around you there is an expectation that a mother will stay at home full time and act a certain way.

Just to reiterate like so many other people have said, of course you are not doing any disservice to your son. To add from my own experience, I am vaguely similar, in that I was both studying and working before and after my eldest - I only stopped uni the day I went into labour and was back three weeks later, not because I couldn't bond or was trying to be 'impressive' or anything like that, he was also an easy baby so it was fairly straightforward to study when he slept and likewise to your situation, DH is a fantastic and supportive husband and dad so I could leave for classes etc.

Neither of us are rare, lots of women study, work, or do all sorts of things not long after birth and are still good mothers and bond with their children. As it is now I WOTH full time and study part time, my DH is now the SAHP to our two DCs. Now that my kids are a little bit older the comments I get are all about "how do you do it, you're a great mum, etc"... when they were babies it was all "you won't be able to cope with all of this, you should be grateful your DH helps out..."!

I think part of it is local culture, family expectations, and also the stage you're at - people picture new mums as being at home and sort of loved up with the baby. I loved my little ones as squishy newborns and then crawlers and had plenty of time with them, but I liked doing other things too.

Hope it eases up a bit too, as it has for me.

My children grew up with two languages - English with me and German outside the home. The number of people who told me that I should be speaking German with them. Apparently they would speak poor German and have bad marks in school, and I should let them learn German first and only start speaking English with them when they were 5 or 6. I heard this from other mums, my inlaws, doctors, random strangers on the street. Ignored it all and did it the way I thought best. The kids are now 17 and 19, balanced bilinguals, both done extremely well in school, no problems with German at all.

However convinced people are that they are right and you are wrong, if you are convinced that you are right and they are wrong then why assume that it's you who's mistaken?

Wow.

Just caught up with this.

First off, you are doing amazingly. All of it. Studying, exercising, career change, all of which with a baby- you're literally living your best life. Congratulations on everything!

Second, the yoga instructor is an idiot. Her PhD from David Wolf's Facebook page obviously makes her an expert on all things hippie-go-free-free, but real life, experience and, yknow, science, says she's talking out her flowery asshole.

(I have zero patience for anti-vaxxers.)

And your MIL needs some firm boundaries and set straight. You're doing things your way, and just because it's not what she envisioned for her darling son doesn't mean you're all going to hell in a handbasket.

It's sad that people, especially other women, are so keen to rip apart women who are succeeding. If you're just meant to sit around looking at your baby all day and mourn the birth you wish you had, they aren't selling motherhood to any women considering it.

Gah, that made me mad...

I hate this sort of judgement, undermining comment. There are all sorts of parenting styles. I was a SAHM, I loved the kids, but I was not a doting, do everything for them mother. I wanted them to be strong and independent with good moral values. I know that some friends judged be adversely. Thought I was too strict with regard to things like manners, bedtimes and being self sufficient from quite a young age. Their idea of a good mother was the soft 'there, there,' type mother. My matter-of-fact style grated on them. The way they went on about their kids, constantly dressing them in in fashion clothes and hovering over them every minute of the day drove me bonkers. I wanted to scream 'get a life, you used to be interesting'.

I once heard one of the group say, "Well you could never call Astrantia an Earth Mother" I thought 'thank goodness" (possibly something stronger)

hate the "don't bond as well if you have a C-section" myth. Had an emergency one with the eldest (and two electives after). When I came round I could hear one more important cry coming from the nursery down the corridor and asked the nurse if she could bring him to me - she looked surprised and asked how I knew that was my baby. No idea, but I did... And your son is benefitting from a day a week with your MIL - just one day for goodness sake! To be honest you sound like one organised woman - they're just jealous

Being very generous here...do you think maybe your son is quite an easy baby, if so, the combination of easy baby + husband who pulls his weight is quite rare. Some people tend to think if you have that you must be LYING and DEPRESSED rather than face the shit in their own lives. I guess you just need to hold your head up high and have confidence in your choices.

Regarding the text from MIL, I've come across this 'nurseries are basically child abandonment' attitude before. It's crap but I doubt you'll change her attitude. I think DH needs to speak to her and sort her out.

It sounds like you're really happy and have a great balance in your family life. Don't let other people make you doubt yourself. If you were unhappy I'm sure you would know. It's great to have a separate focus when you have a baby as they are pretty boring.

I would give MIL a chance with the childcare tbh - her attitude to you working isn't right, but there's nothing to suggest she would be a bad carer for your son. And generally family care has the huge advantage over nurseries of flexibility - additional days, baby sitting etc. Your MIL and son being happy together could be a great asset when you go on to get a full job in law.

I think it's important to chat to DH and think about how you see your sons care panning out in the next few years - I imagine a perfect set up would be two or three days in nursery plus one or two days with MIL? So you could both work full time (ish)? Maybe DH will go part time and have a day off?

I say this because it would be good for your DH to nip this in the bud with his mum now, and lay out your plans for the future. You are never going to be a SAHM, end of. Rather, your family is going to be doing this and it would be lovely to have MIL on board long term.

I've worked full time since ds was 6 months old, I'd be better off not working but I'm not happy being a 24 hour mum- and there is no shame in that!,,, I worked for 20 years before I becoming mum and love my job

Crack on, and tell these sexist plebs go fuck off

Thatanotaknifethatsaspoon I'm a bit confused by what you mean if I'm always on the go? I probably run for 40 mins to an hour each day but if I didn't manage to do it (it's raining or I've arranged to see someone or I just can't be bothered) then I won't and I won't sweat it. To be honest it's more because it's what I used to do when I used to train and is a habit that has stuck. As for on the go- i like to do things I don't like sitting around unless I'm reading or socializing or just doing something. I've always been like that so I don't think it's any different now I have a baby I just try to include him in most of that....

My husbands at the pub with a colleague and the dog but when he gets back I will show him but for now I've not replied! Both his parents live nearby and are retired. My parents don't live in the same country as us anymore so although we Skype regularly we don't have a close relationship as such but they are v supportive (my mother returned to work running a company a few days after I was born hence why I never thought studying part time would
Be so controversial!)

I think you're right re the stepford wives comment with my MIL she is also obsessed with her two sons (she has no daughters) and even though they are both adults she still tries to be involved as much as possible (often too much) and try to almost 'childify' them- ie until recently she ironed BILS shirts.

We didn't not get on but we didn't get on if you see what I mean? She has always spoken to
Me Like she knows my son/husband better than I do so I'm wondering if the days she looks after my son are partly contributing to that and a nursery may solve that slightly! Will see what my husband says but he is definitely talking to her not me as I will lose my cool!

Your husband sounds brilliant. The dad doing his fair share of childcare is not a sign that anything is wrong, please! You don't sound depressed. You sound happy, and busy, and hard-working, and it actually made me happy imagining the lovely life you have with your lovely DP and lovely son and future law career.

Your yoga teacher sounds like an absolute twat. She's not a medical professional and needs to keep her woolly, vague, hippy, made-up utterly uninformed opinions on vaccinations and bonding to herself. The posters who've suggested you should consider what she told you must have missed the part where SHE THINKS THE FACT YOURE STUDYING MEANS YOU HAVENT BONDED WITH THE BABY. Sexist bollocks of the highest order.

There's also nothing wrong with not liking being patronizingly called "mum" by other adults. Dear God, I hated it even as a child when people called my mother "mum". I remember looking at them sideways, thinking, She's not your mum though pal?