To think I'm not doing my son a disservice?

[pizzafrenchfries]

Have name changed for this as very identifying...

Before I had my son I was a professional trainer in a sporting field - now I've had my son that career really does not suit family life (I knew before I had him that I would need to make some changes) I went back to study a professional legal qualification, starting almost immediately after I had him as it was something I needed to do to support us. It was hard at first, but my OH was incredibly supportive and he's been a relatively easy baby (I study in the evenings when he's in bed or when he is napping) I spend one day a week at uni, where my
Mil looks after him (she volunteered to do this for which I am very grateful but if we needed to put him into nursery we could)

Anyway I regularly go to a baby yoga group and last week we were all discussing our births- I said I'd had an emergency c section. At the end of the class the instructor took me
Aside and said she could now see why I was struggling to bond with my son (I didn't think I was) due to the c section and she'd hoped the classes would have meant i would have eventually bonded with him and thus given up on law as I wouldn't feel the need to look else where to feel complete. I was completely shocked and managed to say I hadn't failed to bond with my son and left.

When I got home I spoke to my MIL about it who actually agreed with the instructor and said I was doing my son a disservice at spending time elsewhere. This came as a complete shock as I thought she supported me. She also dropped in a few things about how I focused too much on my appearance (I just jog everyday with a running buggy) and needed to spend more time with my son one on one.

After reading a thread on here about working and having a newborn baby I'm now completely questioning everything! Just to make it clear I have an undergrad degree and I find law easy so I don't feel that I am pursuing something unattainable! My partner works flexible hours and I was completely happy with how it was going- but now I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing?! Help!

Get a new yoga instructor, seriously.

She gives baby yoga a bad name. What a cock.

I had baby number two in May, I took the summer holidays off but I wanted to continue my studies (full-time degree) and complete fourth year. (DD was 4 months at the time) My baby is happy and has a healthy attachment to both myself and dp. I am always gobsmacked by people who suggest you have not bonded with your baby because you have decided to go back to study/work , etc. Attachment is predicated on the quality of care not the gender of the carer, if you and your partner are sharing the care responsibilities then I would argue you have a great set up. I would challenge these patriarchal positions, especially the yoga tutor. She needs to get a grip. You are leading a great example to your child, offering another alternative to the traditional family set-up. Good for you!

You would be doing your son a disservice if you listened to this bullshit and stopped your studies.

Who the fuck do they think they are?

Personally, I would use a nursery. They won't comment on your choices.

I'm angry for you! Why does everyone have to be an opinionated dickhead when you have kids?! Igmore and live your life! Most people me reading this will be feeling bad they are not jogging and doing a law degree!

Check her qualifications. If she is a member of one of the big yoga associations write them a letter. She will have signed up to a lot of "well being" ethics... and in your case, has wrecked yours. So have at her!

I say that as an ex fitness and yoga instructor who hates the 'holistic practitioner' who strays into well meaning advice to make themselves feel superior!

It may make no difference, but might make her think twice about her life coaching/therapeutic endeavours!

Thanks for your replies! Yes it's one day a week I am away from him (9-4). I don't think I have post natal depression I have a history of depression and I recognize in myself when it starts so I feel I would know?

Ok so I don't feel like childbirth empowered me, I adore my son he is fantastic but I also enjoy my work/study too. I despise being called 'mum' by people because I am not their mum I am myself who happens to have a child. I find it very frustrating that people around me feel it is bad to want more than to be a mother. We cannot rely on one income and to be perfectly honest I wouldn't want to even if we could! I fully respect people who are full time mums but I know it is not for me.

Now I think about it a lot of the mums I know have made comments/raised eyebrows when I've mentioned studying but I just assumed it was because it was odd considering the job I had come from(we relocated before the birth) its made me feel really really guilty that I am in some way ignoring him. I'm meeting my MIL for lunch today so if she really doesn't want me to study I can start looking for a nursery

What?! The audacity of them.

Op, unless you feel that there's a problem please do not two idiots berate your choices. As a pp said, the motherhood myth is at play here but don't let either of these people undo what sound like really positive decisions on your part. I think you shouldn't of be really proud that you're all happy and that you're exercising, studying and raising a baby. Not so many generations ago children were often looked after by extended family anyway as it gave new mothers much needed support.

I'd seriously look into to making a complaint about the yoga instructor, also take a close look at if you think your mil is the best person for childcare given her opinions about why you're away for the day. Might be that she still is, but worth the consideration imo.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job, good for you!

Get a new yoga teacher, stupid cow. How dare she? I am absolutely livid on your behalf.

As for MIL I'd find alternative childcare.

I think the two most important opinions here are yours and your DH. If you are both happy and you think your child is hopy then quite frankly everyone else can fuck off.
I think you sound like you are doing brilliantly and I applaud you for changing careers and making sure you have a career for the future, whatever that may hold.

And I agree with the poster who said that men never have to deal with this kind of shit.

Ok so I don't feel like childbirth empowered.

Does anyone who doesn't knit with lentils, seriously?

There's a whole lot of hogwash spouted about motherhood these days. It's mostly shite.

You're doing a great job, your child is loved and you have a great balance. A healthy and happy mum is so important to a child. You feel bonded because you are, you're his mum and you love him and want the best for him.

The yoga instructor completely overstepped their role. Does your MIL judge her child for leaving her grandson to go to work? The balance seems to work for you and your DP and that is all that matters.

I found being a SHAM boring after i had DD2. DD1 is 5 years older and was at school by then. I began an OU degree and put her in nursery 2 days a week. It was so liberating and allowed me enough time to pursue my own thing. DD2 is now age19 and off to uni herself. She was totally unharmed being away from me those 2 days each week. You do what works for you OP. There is no one way of being ‘mum’.

What?! That can't say that! I wouldnt go back to yoga, and I would have a conversation with mil about how she hurt you with what she said. If you think she really doesn't agree then I would find a nursery to use No need for a row, just say your piece then move on, but it would change my view of her.

You sound sensible op, I wish I had some of your sense and practicality!

Please ditch the yoga teacher. Do not give her a penny more of your money.

As for MIL, I think she deserves a "should we be worried about DH bonding with the baby?"

I want to punch the yoga teacher in the face on your behalf!! Totally inappropriate of her and absolutely bat shit. Ignore her.

she has a qualification in stretching almost made me spit my tea out.

Have you spoken to your dp about it?

How old is your child? Has the baby bonded with any adults other than you?

I think both of them are completely wrong. If you need a bit of extra reassurance, you might enjoy reading a book called "The Push Back" by Amy Tuteur. It's basically about how you don't need to subsume every ounce of your own identity into your baby, and is a bit of a reaction against the ideal of motherhood as some kind of ultimate idealised self-sacrifice. Disclaimer I don't agree with every word, but it's a healthy antidote to the idea that mothers need (and should want to) spend every second glued to their babies, that it's unhealthy to be happy to leave your child to be cared for by someone else occasionally etc.
If you, your DH, and your baby are happy, I'd ignore your MIL. As for the yoga instructor, vote with your feet and stop going to the nosy cow's classes. I'm slightly more sympathetic to your MIL - whilst I think she spoke out of turn, she is at least part of the family and knows you all quite well. Not sure where the yoga teacher gets off passing a judgment on you though

Your yoga instructor sounds nuts. I had an EMCS then DS was ill and in NICU/SCBU for a week, being tube fed. I went back to work 4 days a week when he was 8 months and yesterday I spent an entire day of the weekend away from him too! Despite this we are extremely close and bonded... you sound very sensible, level headed and ambitious, which are all great qualities. Do these people think you shouldn't work if you have a child? Thats all very well if you want to and can afford to be a SAHM but most people I know want to work! Very normal not to have to be with your child 24/7. If I had been a SAHM I fear I'd have slipped into depression as it just wasn't me at all. You have sacrificed a great career and are training in something you can use - did anyone ever ask your DH/DP if he is less bonded with your DC because he works? No??

You were happy and can be again. The yoga teacher should keep here opinion to herself. A thoughtless and damaging comment that has totally undermined your strength.
Your MIL is probably comparing your parenting style with her own. You like keeping fit, enjoy the outdoors and taking your child with you whilst doing it. You're also engaging your brain and creating a stronger future for your family. All things to be proud of.
MIL needs to know there are different strokes for different folks and if you can stomach going back to yoga tell the instructor she over stepped the mark.
To me you sound a very capable woman with goals. Stick with it.

I think any son would be proud to have a strong, independent woman as his mother. People have their own agenda when they criticise your parenting choices. Do what works for you .

OP, they are both talking total bollocks.

Some (inadequate) people seem to feel that if someone does something differently from them, there is an implied criticism of the choice that they made. Now, they can really only feel sensitive to criticism is they doubt their own choices.

So, consider my wholly imagined scenario. Your yoga instructor went the whole "earth mother" route, felt overwhelmed/bored by that choice, erroneously thought she was somehow at fault for that, so hid that reaction from herself and others by becoming a real cheerleader for being an "earth mother", and when she sees anyone doing anything else and seeming happy with their choice, feels resentful that her experience was not so good. Still hiding her disappointment behind her cheerleading, she pontificates on how your choices are wrong, wrong, wrong.

Another imagined scenario - your MIL. A product of her generation and subject to the drip, drip, drip of said generation. (I'm in my 50s, I possibly was subjected to a similar indoctrination.) Maybe had her career die on her after children. It was good enough for her, it should be good enough for you. Denies (to herself) that she missed out career-wise by telling herself that it was for the good of her children.

What I'm trying to say is - don't listen to them. Their opinions are formed from their experiences, which may or may not have been positive. Maybe they were positive and they think by imposing the same set-up on you, you will also have a positive experience. Maybe they were negative and they unconsciously resent your apparent having-it-all. Maybe they were a mixed bag and they're just talking out their arse (as I might be).

You seem to have found a good balance. It works for you. Nod and smile at your MIL whilst ignoring her, and change your yoga teacher, she's overstepped the mark big-time. And carry on in whatever way works for you.

If your yoga teacher works for a bigger company or organisation then please do report her. She seriously overstepped her boundaries. Similarly, as a pp said if she is accredited by a professional body of sorts then definitely report her there too. What she did was unprofessional and wrong. A friend did similar when she was singled out as being inferior for not having children of her own and the teacher was replaced.

Tell them to fuck off. I had an elcs for medical reasons, had my dd in the middle of medical school, and am now a doctor and also a single mother. My dd is one of the brightest, happiest, well-adjusted and social children I know. She is also independent and resilient and we have a great bond, we are like best buddies! There is no correct way to parent a child, and if it works for you and your family then the rest of the world can fottfsof! I personally think it is a great example to your child to show that just because you are female and a parent doesn't mean you can't achieve things and have a professional career, and that you should always strive to improve yourself no matter what your age of circumstances. If I'm honest I think my own dm secretly thinks the same way as your mil, but she was from a different generation, she never had any career to speak of and was a sahm, but she is an intelligent woman and was always moaning when we were kids of what she was missing out on because she had to look after us, and now admits she is envious of what I have achieved. There may be a bit of cognitive dissonance and jealousy going on here...