To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

[OhJustPassTheCake]

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

I would ignore her and leave her hanging so she doesn't know either way :)

Sorry, no advice other than to say my SIL is a bitch too. In fact, DH and myself have not spoken to her for about 6 years and she lives so close you wouldn't believe. When we got married, she refused to be in any photo with me, only spoke to me to remark on how she liked my flowers, and when her photos were developed, (this was 24 years ago lol), there was not one of me in them! Seriously, how do you go to the wedding and take hundreds of photos and not take a single one of the bride. Without going into details, however, i will say karma is a bitch and DH and myself have had the last laugh. Why some women are such bitches I will never know.

I'd ask who "everyone" is and do a little head tilt (can you do that by text?) and if she asked why etc I'd say "well DB and I share a lot of mutual friends as you know so just wanted to check who'd be there in case you've missed anyone out (could ask the strike out one too).

Sorry but I think she's being a cheeky bitch and a user to even ask you this.

I meant even ask you this and jot invite you!

First, find out if any other family member will be there. If they are then I'd "accidentally" bust the surprise by texting your BROTHER and saying sorry you can't babysit at the surprise birthday party as was hoping to attend too given parents etc will be there...press send and if she comes back all angry, say "oops, sent it to the wrong person!"

Ring her up and be honest with her and let her know she has hurt your feelings and see what she says.

Text him now and ask over for an intimate family meal. Just family so not her - then he has plans already when she springs it mwahahaha

Yep my sil did that for my husbands brothers 30th (not the babysitting bit) just the organising a fab party and not inviting his family!

There is talk of her becoming a director which boils my piss but that's a different story!

Your SIL is family, whether you like her or not. She is your nieces or nephews mum. TBH it sounds like there is a lot of back story here and that neither of you particularly like each other.

My DH has a large family (4 siblings) and I don't, we also live within walking distance of PIL and two of his brothers, whereas my family are miles away. As such we are expected to go to every single family event going. Just birthdays alone is 2-3 meals/get togethers PER MONTH. DH works six days a week, I work full time and we are both doing qualifications. If we say no to stuff then we get a guilt trip, but even if DH only saw each sibling just one day per month, that would mean that we would NEVER be able to do anything ourselves as a family. His family expect that every DH birthday should be spent with them... would it really hurt if you saw him the day after? He's 40 years old for goodness sake. Birthdays are a non-event in my family once you're over a certain age.

You can't expect a person entering your family to just be an accessory to your brother like their life, family and friends no longer exist and DB can carry on as he ever did. As PPs have said, if DB wanted to see you more, he would make the effort more, regardless. I think you're putting all of the blame onto the evil SIL (some of which may be warranted), but your DB has a big part in it too. Don't posters on MN normally say that DH needs to grow a spine and tell his family no etc etc... funny how that's forgotten sometimes!!

Despite what I've said, I do sympathise... families are tricky things. It just sounds like you hate her with a passion don't get along with her, and she has probably picked up on that. Possibly she doesn't want an atmosphere at the party, and inviting DSIL who fucking hates the evil bitch might not be for the best

One of my brothers is much more involved with his friends than with us. He has celebrated big birthdays with a friend party and then a family gathering. There hasn't been a family fall out he just prefers to spend time with his friends and we accept that. We all see each other frequently without him and this doesn't bother him at all. Maybe this could be the case with your brother? You can't make someone want to spend time with you. From what you've said about texting your cousins etc I can see why his wife might not like you and might feel pushed out from the extended family. It is a party just for friends not family and you are family. If you want to babysit then do and if you don't don't. If you babysit it might help things between you and your SIL by doing her this favour?

Text him now and ask over for an intimate family meal. Just family so not her - then he has plans already when she springs it mwahahaha

As I said above, it's amazing how quickly people change their mind when the shoe is on the other foot... I can picture the post now:-

Planning a surprise party for DH with all of our friends. I haven't invited any family because DH has told me in the past that he feels like he can't let his hair down and get drunk/rowdy when his family are around, as he has to watch his language etc. I've asked SIL if she would mind babysitting, as she always wants our children to see each other more. I often turn her down as I suspect that she thinks I'm an evil fucking bitch and I worry that she bad mouths me around the kids. She's made it clear that even after 10 years together I'm still "not family".

Anyway, I've now found out that she has instead invited DH out for a "family meal" and that I'm not invited, on the day I have planned the party. What should I do?

Guaranteed, 99.9% of responses would be LTB

A few people have said be honest with her, and I agree. Say it like it is. Just because she is indulging in these bitchy tactics, you don't have to co-operate and play her game. Rise above it. Show her that it won't wash and she'll be less likely to use this approach again. Its no shame to admit that her hurtful message was .. well.. hurtful. In fact, you'd be standing up to her!

She's the one who should be ashamed. I'd forget all the clever remarks, they are satisfying to read but you risk her showing them around and saying look what I have to deal with - to justify her own crap behaviour which of course she won't own up to. I think you should be completely factual. Even if it's just her friends at the party its been very poorly worded. Tell her exactly how her message was received.

"I'm rather hurt by your message and I'm hoping I've simply misunderstood it. You say you've invited "everyone" to celebrate my brother's 40th. When I started reading your message I actually thought you were contacting me to invite me! I was so surprised to read on and find that far from being invited, I'm asked to babysit instead - a whole six months in advance of the event."

Re babysitting, it's up to her to ask you again. You are entitled to say "I will think about it" and leave it at that. or remind her that there are plenty of 6 formers around who will do the job. If you live in the same area, send her a list!! It would be different if she'd been let down by a babysitter at the last minute. Asking you six months in advance means there's no intention of finding an alternative and if anyone asks why you are not there, she's got the perfect excuse.BTW making it a "surprise" party means she's ensured that no one can discuss it with your brother.

Another vote for tackling this head on. It's clearly worded in a 'fuck you' kind of way. I think coming straight out and saying you found the text hurtful will make her squirm.

Could it be that she might have invited you (as you have friends in common) but didn't think she'd be able to without inviting the rest of the family?

I'd let it slide, babysit for the benefit of the children. Is it really worth possibly causing a rift over?

OP I think you may not have realised that his family is his wife and his kids now.

You were his family growing up, but it sounds like he's moved on and you have not.

So what you don't like your brothers wife, and so what they're having a party, without you. You're not joined at the hip to your brother.

You do sound very entitled and not sensitive at all to this woman.

Fwiw maybe she's just not into you? Maybe she's co pletely different to you and finds your meddling ways tiresome.

I know being married into a large family that it's fecking draining to have them all round and reenacting the dynamic of the biological childhood dramas. I cut as much as possible and leave them to themselves if I can't escape the brood.

They completely took over any arrangements I had made for my DH's 40th and made it all about them with all their boring anecdotes about when DH was 10 and fell down the stairs.... and that trip to Bognor. I hated that... it was so boring and rude.
Maybe she has boundaries and you do not.

Stand back and mind their kids and mind your own business, and stop shit stirring with the legions of cousins etc. Her party for her husband is none of your business.

You have your own family and he has his.

Time to cut the umbilical you think binds you both and get on with your own sweet life.

It seems to be her causing a rift. I would ask directly why you are not invited and if you don't go I would tell your brother what the cow is up to!

I can see why she wouldn't want to invite all his family but it is very rude to exclude siblings if they are a similar age and have friends in common. I think it is quite possible that she just really want or expect you to babysit and she is only mentioning it as a way of letting know that you won't be invited so that there are no misunderstandings.
Personally, I would just say that you won't be able to babysit and leave it at that and nearer the time invite your brother out for a meal to celebrate. I don't think she could expect to be invited under the circumstances.

just really want doesn't really want

It's all very nice people giving the SIL the benefit of the doubt. Why aren't you affording the OP the same?

Surely if the SIL wasn't trying to make a point, she would spell it out in the text that a family do would happen another time and this was just friends?

Like I said up thread, she's either thick as mince or she knows exactly what she's doing.

Mercury for goodness don't be so silly. You don't stop being family when you get married, you just get more family and priorities of course change. You don't move on from your family unless there's been awful situation and it's always very sad when families are no less no longer in contact with each other, it's not a decision taken likely.

Maybe she's just not that into you, But She's into her babysitting though.

OK so SIL is organising a friends only party that I understand, the family can organise something else IMO. BUT it sounds like the SIL does not have much to do with the family etc yet has decided to ask her SIL to babysit for a party that is being had for her brother with masny mutual friends ...very PA of the SIL IMO

*many

I usually try to moderate my responses, but here I tend to agree with those saying tell the mean bitch to f**k right off, that you are his sister and not a free babysitter and you would expect his kids to be there for a family party (even if only for the early evening bit then put to bed out of the way - ditto younger nieces, nephews, cousins). Could you arrange something for your brother's birthday with just your family/kids and/or his kids? Don't think I would want to attend a party knowing the 'hostess' was a prize bitch - I'd be wary of poisonings, bitching, getting tipsy and telling her exactly what I really thought of her etc! Sounds like the sort of woman who would go out of her way to make someone uncomfortable, wouldn't cater for their food or drinks preferences, and thinks it is OK to make barbed remarks like she sends snide texts.

Don't babysit for her.

Don't go to the party either.

Simple. You both sound as bad as each other to be honest.

Wow, Mercury - you sound mad!

How bizarre to think that you just cut off your siblings and parents once you get married, and start a 'new' family.

Do people really do this? Do you expect your own children to do this (to you and each other)?