To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

[OhJustPassTheCake]

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

[southall]

Strange thing to ask so far out. I would find out the facts before reacting.

Perhaps you are invited and she want you to help out with the kids while she organises the day.

Or perhaps she really does want you to baby sit while the go out for a evening/night of fun.

I would reply back and ask 'What you are you planning?'

[Summerlovin24]

Very thoughtless. I think be civil but her email tells you how important you are in her life. You don't want to fall out and not see brother/nieces/nephews so be nice. That suggestion of saying you felt hurt may work. I always like the word disappointed as well. " disappointed if I babysit that I wouldn't be there to help celebrate my brothers 40th"

[Yogimummy123]

Soooo poorly worded from the SIL - could've said just friends & could've said something nice like rather leave kids with family if you're free to babysit & do a family thing all together the next day or something? That's what I would do if I were the sil. I also wouldn't ask someone I didn't get on with to babysit - I'd pay someone - esp with 6m notice... I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset cos it's def rude! I'm not sure what I'd do.. maybe confirm a friends not family thing, say you can cos nice for kids & suggest doing family stuff soon after cos love to celebrate too? Could say if wanna combine family & friends could share babysitter?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

If you've never babysat for them before, what on earth would the children think, effectively being left with someone they hardly know?

You're not exactly some randomer off the street, but even so...especially as it looks like being a 'night do'.

[Givemestrengthorwine]

I would reply with something like :
Hi, oops you sent me the wrong text lol, hope you didnt send our invite to the babysitter! But, yes, thanks we'd love to come to my brothers surprise 40th birthday party. Let me know if you want any help with anything. Looking forward to it. See you soon. Xx
....and wait for the reply!
Xx

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Incidentally, and rather off topic, can I praise the use of the good old phrase 'take a running jump'? Haven't heard this since my lovely dad died eight years ago (it was one of his favourites).

It's the little things...

[Lottahugz]

Did she mean help to babysit at the party? Are their kids that young? Maybe helping to keep an eye on the young ones, while she is playing hostess, doesn't sound unreasonable, tone could have been better I suppose.

[awesomeness]

Ive similar dealings with OHs family....(im the evil SIL) im not.....i have social anxiety that they dont know about and he wont go to family events because he knows i'd be uncomfortable. He just sees them himself. Makes me look evil, but vomiting and passing out isnt a good look for the PIL and rest of family who are very straight laced and have no clue or even ideas about anxiety and other things like that.

Id just email back and say no sorry i dont want to. Simple as. And i would elaborate no more than 'because were not welcome' if asked. I would make other family aware that u arent going because she hasnt invited you and not that your just choosing not to go. Incase shes just checking you'd babysit before inviting other family

[dorisdog]

I have a BiL who dislikes me. It can feel horrible and inexplicable. I've learned not to take it personally (mostly).

I would go for direct and honest and tell her it feels odd to not be invited. It is possible that it's a friends only thing. But she could have explained that, if so. I'd say it's the lack of explanation and briefness of the 'ask' that seems the oddest part of this.

[dorisdog]

Plus, don't do anything that will make you feel resentful. You could say 'no.' You could also just not reply. That might prompt into a politer 'ask'

[MrsPoldark]

I'd go with Pisspantspoor's suggestion (today 14.22). & I'd totally big up my part of "cool auntie" - "right kids you know that mummy said you couldn't go to daddy's special party? Well guess what? I know who he'd want to be there as his guests of honour- yep you lot! Come on let's get ready!"

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Wow MercuryInTransit You sound a peach.

[Ticketybootoo]

I sympathise and empathise with this . Have a SIL who is hostile towards anyone my brother knows including me and has fallen out with all my brothers friends recently .
I would just text back politely and say that you would really like to celebrate your bro's 40th with him and leave it at that . You are not being rude and will have made your point . She's out of order frankly .,,

[38cody]

Why don't you just text her and say as it's your ''tis bd you'd expect and like to be there. Just be straight and if you don't like the response - forward it to your bro.

[Masketti]

We blamed my DB's backing off from our family stuff on his first wife. Turns out when he got his second wife the same thing happened. It's clearly a him thing rather than a SIL thing in my case.

In your case it might be the same. I had a 30th party and both friends and family were invited. It doesn't have to be mutually exclusive! It's a proper cheeky request on her part though.

[MercuryInTransit]

My feeling is that if the OP wanted to do something for her brother, she could arrange a party herself.

As we don't know who is invited, and usually the sil hangs with her own friends as a rule, not her DH's family, we can assume that friends are going to be there.

Why don't you organise a family party with kids for your DB OP instead of rudely trying to crash a party you're not invited to.

No need to call me names or doubt my sanity, that's just rude and breaches guidelines. I'm of a different opinion to you is all, as I have a similar situation with a huge, interefering family in law who would organise everything into a 'their' family get together on their terms.

The OP needs to leave "home". Of course her brother will side with the wife he chose to share his life with, and has children with, rather than the sister he happened to be born into the same family as.

You sound jealous of their relationship with each other OP, and reluctant to see things as they really are.

I suggest you offer to babysit for the party she's organising for her DH, and organise a family event for your DB if you care that much.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

When I said 'you sound mad' Mercury, I meant 'angry'. And you do sound angry, as you're massively projecting your situation onto the OP's.

Most people manage a happy, healthy medium whereby they keep close, loving ties with their 'old' family, and envelope them into the new.

Well, that's what I always thought. Maybe I'm wrong, and toxic, hating on people is the norm.

[SharkBrilliant]

Dowager OP states in her first post that she fucking hates the evil bitch. I think it's fair to say that she isn't really trying to manage a happy, healthy medium.

It doesn't sound like OP has enveloped SIL into her family. 10 years and she's furious about the very idea of her being a director in the family business that SILs own husband runs! That alone shows that OP doesn't consider her SIL part of the family!

Sorry, but I wouldn't be inviting someone who thought I was an evil bitch and fucking hated me to a celebration I was planning. I think if people were being honest, they wouldn't either.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

You are right Shark, and I am clearly wrong - people really do seem to love to hate their extended family!

[OrchidaceousRose]

Myth I don't now I've thought it through. Recently I just felt a bit guilty, because part of the reason he totally disengaged from her was because she was hurtful to me a few times, including at our wedding. But I realise after thinking it through that it's really not my call- it's his decision. If he wants to go back to arm's length rather than totally disengaged, that's his business and he can make it happen though.

When we first got together, we went out as a group quite a few times after she invited me and him to a birthday party quite early on. I thought it was the norm because DH didn't say any different. I made a big effort in a "new to the family" way and thought she was just trying to be welcoming. But after a while he felt he could be more open about what the real situation was, so I stopped going the extra mile. He said that when we first started going out, he couldn't think of a way to tell me that he found his sister hard work without coming across weird. She wasn't being welcoming, she just saw a way to get back closer to her brother through me.

[Pinklady1982]

Misstiggiewinkle your attitude towards your dhs family sounds very similar to how my sis law is, and i can tell you its extremelly hurtful for the family being left behind! Again i used to get along very well with my brother until my sil starting falling out with me over completely ridiculous things, and since fell out with my mum too, and my brother has always been on her side which is so hurtful, whereas i will say something to my oh if he said anything out of place to a family member, and in fact we nearly split up as he upset my mum! So i cannot agree that you should always support your immediate family as in your oh, and i will never be that blind sighted that i let anyone get in between me and my close family. Unfortunately i think my relationship with my brother is completely over because of sis, although i have tried so hard to talk things over so many times with them both, so this has hit a nerve big time, and i dont mean to come across as being rude, i just cannot agree that you should put your parents and siblings second. I am a nice persom i swear, and my mum is too, and we have both tried to be so accomodating and welcoming into our family, but its just not seen like that by her for some reason and i dont get it. Anyway sorry for rambling on, op i think you should get the facts before replying, as if it is friends only she will prob make you feel silly for wanting to be invited! At least you get to see the kids thou :)

[josCS]

I would write down a few points/questions so you have it clear in your head what you want to say and call her. Ask her if it's friends only, if she is organising a separate family do or if you perhaps could. If it's friends only agree to baby sit. suggest you have the kids for a sleep over a couple of times before the party so they get used to staying and are happy to stay on the night of the party. This is a very reasonable request and has the bonus of you getting to see your brothers children more which is what you want.

[LillyGrinter]

My sil sounds like the OP. Shes rude and unfriendly, possessive of my brother. It really hurt me at first but I've moved on. Two things though, it influenced my decision to have an only child and if they ever hit hard times and expected me to help them, they'll be disappointed

[debbs77]

This sounds such a shame!

[purplepansyem]

I would text back in capitals:

NO, EVERYONE WILL NOT BE THERE BECAUSE APPARENTLY, HIS OWN SISTER ISN'T GOING TO BE INVITED TO HER BROTHERS 40TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

and then I'd add a lot of very angry emoji's. Fucking cheeky bitch!!! I also think you should accidentally on purpose tell him about his 'surprise' party.