To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

[OhJustPassTheCake]

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

[ChrisYoungFuckingRocks]

Fuck right off ought to cover it

^^ This

[shinynewusername]

Even if she hates your guts, surely she is not planning to invite your parents and siblings, but not you? Isn't it more likely that this is a party for friends and she expects there to be a separate family celebration? She could definitely have phrased it more tactfully though.

[GabsAlot]

even if family werent invited wouldnt she ask her mil or someone else to babysit ?

[onlyslightlyinterested]

Oh settles in for a gud'un...

[tobecontinued2000]

Every surprise party I've been to has been mixed family and friends.

Is there that many of you that she would struggle to find a venue to hold everyone?

I would be very disappointed if my family were not invited to a surprise party organised for me.

[Haffdonga]

My thing is that it's always better to be honest but polite. So I'd say,

Actually, DSIL, I'd really like to be with DB at the party. It's a great idea and I'm sure DB would love it. Why don't we club together for a babysitter and the cousins can have a sleepover together at our house while we come to yours?

Coming from a small family it may just not occur to her to mix family with friends in social situations. Mine don't. But if she's really just being spiteful then you're calling her out on it.

[OhJustPassTheCake]

To clear a few things up... we have a huge family mainly because of aunts uncles cousins nieces and nephews, there are no other brothers/sisters, just us two.

From what i have gathered there are no family that seem to know about the shindig, so looking like it's a "friends thing" only. That's fine, but her text was still mean!!

And no, we aren't asked to babysit EVER. Very odd, not sure how to respond. Might just say "yeah sure" so all the kids get to see each other at least? And may also ask if a "family do" is on the cards.

No i don't rely on the family firm for y income but others in the family do, so i still don't want to upset the apple cart too much, although i deffo believe SIL knows she can get away with anything due to this fact! There is talk of her becoming a director which boils my piss but that's a different story!

[misstiggiwinkle]

Ohjust I think it comes down to what you are used to. It can be extremely overwhelming having OHs family always wanting to be involved (I speak from experience and a similar position as your SIL!).

You are both adults now, your responsibilities should be towards your immediate families. Adult brothers, sisters, parents, whilst obviously important must come second and should be focussing on their own immediate families.

Just take a second to consider it from you SILs side. She wants to arrange something for her DHs bday. You are always trying to get the children together so she thinks you'd be a good person to babysit. No offence intended, you just aren't included in her plans for the party. She might think you'd be offended if she didn't ask you and booked a regular babysitter instead? Except now you have corralled your wider large family (cousins, parents) into thinking it's a vendetta against you that she dares to not invite you to everything they do. I'm not surprised she shies away from actively being involved with the wider family if that's what you are like at every opportunity. I'd do exactly the same.

[Deathraystare]

I'd text back simply 'everyone will not be there. His sister apparently won't be.'



That is brilliant Loraline. Sarky and too the point. Please give this reply!!

[pigsDOfly]

The strength of OP's relationship with her DB is irrelevant.

Who the hell sends a text to someone telling them that a party is being held for a close family member, says everyone is going to be there and then go on to ask them babysit, because obviously they're not part of this 'everyone' and they're not invited.

If it's a party for friends only, why mention it to OP?

Also, it's not until the summer, what 6 months away, and she's asking OP to babysit now?

No, SIL isn't just being rude, she's being spiteful and making sure OP knows she's being snubbed.

[diddl]

If no family invited, why wouldn't she ask your mum to babysit?

[lingle]

"And no, we aren't asked to babysit EVER. Very odd, not sure how to respond. Might just say "yeah sure" so all the kids get to see each other at least? And may also ask if a "family do" is on the cards."

I.e. play the long game.

[OhJustPassTheCake]

Thanks everyone, sound advice and deffo given me a different perspective on things, i knew you were the right people to ask!! xxxx

[CheerfulYank]

It's fine if it's just friends but then wouldn't you say "having a little surprise party with friends for X's 40th, any chance you could babysit? And what night would work to do a dinner&cake with you and your parents?" I would!

[IHaveAnOutie]

She does sound a bit mean. Could you start planning a family party? It'll be nice for your brother and it might have the bonus points of pissing her off a bit too, because she won't like not having the control!

[aquashiv]

I would simply ignore it. .that will kill her

[welovepancakes]

Lots of suggested texts here are really inflammatory. I bet most the people suggesting those messages wouldn't actually send them themselves. When hiding behind words on a screen, some people can be very rude, when they would be more tactful in real life

[magoria]

I think it is very sad that you are only asked to baby sit when SIL wants something from you.

9 times out of 10 she isn't interested because it is what you want not her.

I don't think you should let yourself be used.

[LilQueenie]

Im sorry but I would be forwarding said message to you brother and asking if there is something you have done to offend seeing as his missus doesn't see fit to invite his only sibling.

[Nicpem1982]

What a cow

[MerylPeril]

She it's 6 months away - she's asking you to babysit now and therefore making it very clear you are not invited = she's being a bitch

You're the only sibling. She doesn't have to invite the whole family.
I think the other guests would be really surprised that you and your parents weren't invited to a surprise birthday do - really it's what you would expect!

Cow.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I would say "yes of course. Was thinking of taking him out to lunch as a birthday treat, might be an idea to do it that day so he's out of the way while you prepare for the party. Will text him now to ask but won't say anything about your surprise, sure he'll love it!"

Then take him out for lunch for his birthday, start with champagne, move on to cocktails, the shots, get him completely trollied - deliver him back in no fit state for a party....

Or more grown up "so this is just a friend's party? We were wondering if we might do a family get together but didn't want to tread on your toes if you were already planing something. Will sort something for us all with children as well."

[FatOldBag]

What was your reply to her OP?

[Littlelegs19]

Wow! Bloody cheek! If it wasn't for your brothers age you could be talking about my sister in law!

Tell her to go do one!

[WetPaint4]

Ask her who "everyone" is. If it includes family, tell her she is being incredibly insensitive and spiteful so she may need to find someone else to facilitate her behaviour.