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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

265 replies

OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 16:25

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

OP posts:
Zumbarunswim · 10/02/2017 22:21

Ugh, this is also like my brothers vile GF. One of his birthdays she told me after his bday meal how much I would have liked the restaurant ( I wasn't invited) and how much my other brother enjoyed it ( he was invited) Most recently my DSis was here from Australia on his birthday and brothers GF phoned my other brother to invite him and tell him not to tell Dsis about it while Dsis was with my brother. She has succeeded in driving a wedge between my brother and most of the people he was close to when he met (started an affair with) her. People excuse her behaviour saying it's insecurity but I don't get what sort of a threat sisters can be to a brother that they can't go to his birthday. No you are not being unreasonable - it's shit!AngrySad

monkeytree · 10/02/2017 22:23

I'm really sorry to hear you have such a spiteful, selfish and probably possessive sister in law. No words of advice really.

You could read the text as a joke as other posters have suggested or
Just refuse politely, gritting your teeth and do something separately with your brother - if your sister in law will relinquish him of course!

good luck

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 10/02/2017 22:39

I'd be sorely tempted to agree.

Then suddenly be unavailable just in time for the party. Whoops. Looks like DSIL will have to either take the kids or run around panicking looking for a sitter.
Perhaps you could even take the parents out for a meal that night to make sure they can't babysit last minute. 😂😂

A1Sharon · 10/02/2017 22:49

I'd do that ^!

Hrre · 10/02/2017 22:57

I would say:

"Glad you've brought this up! I was going to ask you if you wanted to plan something for his 40th together? Or is your do just a friend's thing- no worries if not, I'll be organising a surprise get together for him with family there on (insert firm date when you know he's free). His cousin has agreed to get him there. Can you make it? I'll sort the babysitters haha!"

And then if she refuses to go who cares you still have a family get together and you have retained the moral high ground.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 10/02/2017 23:03

I'd be very direct. "Why exactly am I not invited to my own brother's 40th party?" Even if she says it's friends only, I certainly wouldn't be babysitting for the rude cow. She knows what she's doing, which is driving the wedge between you even more.

tallwivglasses · 10/02/2017 23:07

How about the truth? 'I'd have liked to have been invited to my brother's party. I'd also like my dc to spend more time with their cousins so I'm happy to babysit.' Killing with kindness often works I find.

MammaTJ · 10/02/2017 23:16

Tell her she can look after her own kids, as you will be going to your brothers party. Wives can be replaced, sister can't!! Wink

A bit too cruel? Well so is how she behaves!

KittyWindbag · 10/02/2017 23:22

She's being really mean. He's only going to turn 40 once would it kill her to invite some family members?

OP if you're keen on having a party for him too I think you should respond that you think a party for his 49th is a great idea and you had been thinking of making it a big family and friends extravaganza. Ignore the babysitting message. It's so rude.

GoodDayToYou · 11/02/2017 01:02

Texts can come across badly and it sounds like there's already quite a bit of miscommunication so, I would be honest but kind. Eg. "Ordinarily I'd love to babysit but tbh I'm feeling a bit hurt not to be invited. Have I misunderstood?" Or something like that??

ILikeyourHairyHands · 11/02/2017 01:25

Honestly, sod all the long and convoluted answers. Two words is all you need.

Fuck. Off.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 11/02/2017 01:31

I am constantly flummoxed by the strange shit that goes on in families. Just say the words, the truth will always out.

Don't obfuscate, just say how you feel, why wouldn't you?

GoodDayToYou · 11/02/2017 03:05

Just to add, I had a party a while back and didn't invite a chunk of family members and that was because of one person. It was one of those situations where we couldn't invite that person without that person etc. It was incredibly difficult to explain as they all expected invites but we couldn't see any other way round it at the time. I'm also quite sure that I was blamed as the female in-law, even though it genuinely wasn't my decision but my partner's.

Also... to me, asking you to babysit suggests SIL thinks a lot of you - doesn't it? (It would to me - I wouldn't ask just anyone.)

Because of this, I'm leaning towards giving her the benefit of the doubt, ie maybe not mean at all, but perhaps lacking in empathy or maybe even texting on the run and not thinking it through properly??

I'm probably a bit of a softie but, in the absence of firm facts and assuming you'd like to improve things moving forward, I would definitely avoid any game playing and tread gently.

OrchidaceousRose · 11/02/2017 04:29

Before you do anything, are you sure everything is fine with your brother and you? My DH dropped his sister like a stone when we got together- he had always found her overbearing, held her at arm's length a bit but caved quite frequently before we met. As soon as he had another life to immerse himself in, he did. I tried to make an effort to get them together for the first year or so- going round, dinners out with her and her partner, family gatherings with the MIL and FIL too, offering to babysit etc.

She was pretty much a total nightmare at our wedding so I gave up making a special effort plus we moved cities soon after and it was just further away. Unbeknownst to me her behaviour had also really torn it for DH. So he decided off his own bat (and without really telling me or even thinking about it) to totally swerve her in person and stop calling except birthdays etc. Sort of a thing where it's easier to stand up for someone else than for yourself. She started getting really PA with me via the medium of presents and I couldn't understand why- til DH told me he had pretty much been ignoring her requests to go round, meet for lunch etc for the last 3 years.

I thought we just didn't see her much anymore because we moved cities- we went to see them a couple of times after we moved and then they never visited back so I left it. Then when I burst into tears at Xmas over a very obviously regifted present, DH told me he'd been avoiding her for the last 3 years. She even texted him once saying they were driving down our street and he ignored it. I am the one getting all the blame for it even though it wasn't my decision or actions. I'm going to try to stick the pieces back a little this year- baby steps, maybe try to meet up once or twice, but how estranged they got without me knowing scares the bejesus out of me.

OrchidaceousRose · 11/02/2017 04:40

Come to think of it, it's not my job to mend fences just cos I'm female. If he wants to see her more, he can organise it! I'll go with him, but I don't have to organise it. He's a grown man.

BalloonSlayer · 11/02/2017 10:55

I do think this thread is getting a bit out of hand with all the "what a bitch" comments.

The OP says the SIL prefers to do stuff with her friends rather than family. So it's pretty clear that it is a "Friends" party and not a "Family and Friends" one. There is another big clue to this - their own children aren't coming either. The friends that usually babysit are coming though.

It's a surprise party so DB gets no input into the guest list. SIL doesn't like his family so she doesn't invite them. Why should she invite people she doesn't like to something she is doing ALL the work for - is what she's thinking.

If OP replies some of the suggestions above she will get the reputation as a lunatic. Imain the AIBU . . . "I made it clear to SIL that she is not invited to a party but she says she is coming anyway"

The only way you reply without looking like an arse is to say "of course we'll babysit, can you let us know what other days he is free around that time because of course we all [family] want a chance to celebrate with him too." Actually that looks a bit arsey too but you have to show that her snub has been registered.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 11/02/2017 12:47

I agree with BallonSlayer except I would say no to babysitting

TheMythOfFingerprints · 11/02/2017 13:33

rose are you saying you want to get your dh and sil together more even though your dh has been actively disengaging from her?
Why would you?

diddl · 11/02/2017 13:37

The babysitting would also benefit Ops brother though, so I don't think there's any reason to dismiss it out of hand.

Plus Op can also celebrate herself with her brother & family/friends of her choosing if she wants to.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2017 13:48

A simple text back of 'No, I'm not available for babysitting,' would suffice.

BalloonSlayer · 11/02/2017 13:52

If she says no to babysitting, she'll either have to say a flat no, or she'll have to pretend she can't do it because she is busy.

If she says a flat no, then SIL could spin this as her being a cow who won't facilitate her own DB having a nice birthday party with all his friends around him, thus OP loses the moral high ground. SIL could even add: "we were going to have a big family do the next day but as SIL was so rude about babysitting the night before I just cancelled it."

If she says she can't babysit because she is doing something else, then SIL could spin this as "she wouldn't have been able to come anyway, she's doing something else" and thus the OP also loses the moral high ground.

Far better to babysit, then make bloody sure that DB knows afterwards in no uncertain terms how hurt she was but she wanted him to have a nice time, his having a good time was far more important than her hurt feelings etc, so just humbly did as she was told. Wink

Pisspantspoor · 11/02/2017 14:33

Personally, I'd agree to babysit. Have the kids over. Then dress everyone up in their party-best and ALL show up in all your "thunder-stealing" glory Grin as the "special surprise" and passive aggressively tell everyone what a GREAT idea it was of SIL... She won't want to lose face but you'll have had the last laugh (and got to spend time with your brother on his birthday too!).
Win:win Gin

clarkl2 · 11/02/2017 17:30

Tell her she is a cheeky bitch to even consider it!

anna1313 · 11/02/2017 18:10

Don't text het, phone her. Explain you are put off not being invited. Be honest but not confrontational. Some people are thoughtless without meaning to be mean.

jayne1976 · 11/02/2017 18:11

If everyone's at the party, of course we will be at the party so perhaps we can share a baby sitter.

How rude to say everyone's there, and you're not even included in the everyone! Bi8ch! Surely she must purposely be trying to wind you up, nobody could be that insensitive - could they?