To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

[OhJustPassTheCake]

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

[Roomster101]

Why do your think you'd get an invite if you hate the person throwing the party OP? God knows, I wouldn't want you there if I was her by what you've said about her.

It's not the SIL party though is it? She should be thinking of who her DH would like to attend rather than her own preferences. If she genuinely doesn't think her DH likes his sister and wouldn't want her to be involved in his party, she has got a real cheek to ask her to babysit. If you want to keep family at arm's length, you shouldn't ask for favours.

[LillyGrinter]

What did you do Op?

[pollymere]

Suggest she hire a professional babysitter or creche as you'll obviously be too busy having fun with your brother. If you've got got kids you could suggest that they all share the cost. I have a lovely cousin who always seems to end up sitting in a corner with all the kids at events but I'd hate it and I suspect if it was her brothers party she might have other ideas.

[Boysnme]

Just babysit for them and let them have the party they want to have. No need for family to be invited to a friends party. Maybe it will start to mend some bridges and you can have a better relationship with your brother and his children. Who knows, you might even begin to like your SIL.

[HateSummer]

Oh, sounds like my sil. She asked me to bake and decorate a cake for her daughter's achievement at school and then told me all her family would be there to support her. I was stunned and joked where my invite was but she replied really rudely that who would look after my dad if I went. So I agreed. The bitch.

I baked and decorated the most awesome cake ever and I think she was stunned into embarrassment. But cows like this always let out their true colours later and a few weeks later she told me she thought I wouldn't make something so awesome with this quizzical look on her face.

Kill bitches with kindness.

[Pinklady1982]

Mercury, how on earth is the op shit stirring? She contacted other family members to see if they were invited, and therefore trying to find out the facts. If the rest of the family were invited except her can you not understand how hurtful that would be? If it is just a friend thing that is completely fair enough, but you are being very harsh when all she is doing is asking for advice and trying to get her facts right!!

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Good luck with your children and future DILs/SILs as they 'gently eject' you; it sounds a cold way to live, but each to their own and all that.

[MercuryInTransit]

I handle my own in laws with grace and humour Duchess, not with toxic malice, madness or anger. I maintain friendly relationships with them all even though they can drive me nuts at times into each life some rain must fall, eh?

Good fences make good neighbours, and all that.

I don't live in anyone's pocket, and I gently eject any in laws who think they have a right to live in mine because I married my DH.

[MercuryInTransit]

I agree shark, the OP sounds like she's not invested in finding a solution at all.

In her OP she says she hates the SIL

And given that she's so obvious and vocal about it here, we can presume that the SIL knows full well how the land lies in RL.

Why do your think you'd get an invite if you hate the person throwing the party OP? God knows, I wouldn't want you there if I was her by what you've said about her.

OP I suggest you organise something yourself if it's bothering you so much, and let this one go. Accept your SIL doesn't want you there, and accept that you're not entitled to an invite. Stop shit stirring with your extended family- they're not entitled to an invite to a private party ether.

As for this SIL being made a director of her DH's company (which you call a family company) so what? It's not your business, he runs it as he sees fit. He's decided his wife has something to offer the business, that's not your decision to make.

Time to step away from your birth family OP! Organise a family do for your brother, if you care that much.

[JorahsMissus]

'Oh I thought maybe we could have a party with all family and friends invited? If not, sure I'll watch the kids while you have you party if you could watch them while we have a family party?'

It's fine if everyone doesn't get along. People don't have to like their inlaws/family BUT don't be a cunt by asking someone to babysit while you purposely exclude them. If you do then don't moan when you get ^^ that kind of reply back.

[BigGrannyPants]

Maybe... you and your SIL should go out for dinner... and not invite anyone else. You think she is completely unreasonable and she obviously has her own thoughts about you. What if you're both wrong? What if this has all gotten out of hand over nothing too much. I think you should babysit, accept that this is a friend party (although I find it odd you wouldn't be invited) maybe try and mend your relationship with SIL which will make both hers and your life easier and perhaps make things better for your brother, your DCs and DNs. If you try and she isn't open to it, then you've done your bit. If that is the case, I would be super sickly sweet nice to her all the time and start calling her sis, that really pisses people off when they can't get a rise from their vile behaviour

[mainlywingingit]

What emerald said

Just un-fucking-believable

[NoSquirrels]

If my DH sent the same text to either of my siblings I'd be furious with him! I think there's a difference between a "friends" party (booze, dancing, no kids, roughly similar age group) & a "family" party (kids, older generations, more distant relatives, less booze etc) and I would include my siblings in the "friends" category.

OP, if you'd like to go to the party, just ask honestly:

Are we not invited to his 40th party then? I'd be really sad not to celebrate with my brother. Mum & Dad say they're free for babysitting then, btw, so I'm sure they'd be happy to have the kids.

You have to get an honest answer then, which is what you need.

[Luluandizzy]

What a nasty horrible bitch!!! My brothers wife is exactly like this so I can empathize here and understand how hurtful it is. I'd send a text back saying "oh right, I thought we might have had an invite" then when she explains her horrible reasons for not doing so. Just reply "sorry it's not convienent for us to babysit, enjoy your party, evil sadistic bitch" im guessing your brother is pretty whipped by her? I know my brother is very much under the thumb.

[TSSDNCOP]

I always open these SIL thinking they are going to be about me

[purplepansyem]

I would text back in capitals:

NO, EVERYONE WILL NOT BE THERE BECAUSE APPARENTLY, HIS OWN SISTER ISN'T GOING TO BE INVITED TO HER BROTHERS 40TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

and then I'd add a lot of very angry emoji's. Fucking cheeky bitch!!! I also think you should accidentally on purpose tell him about his 'surprise' party.

[debbs77]

This sounds such a shame!

[LillyGrinter]

My sil sounds like the OP. Shes rude and unfriendly, possessive of my brother. It really hurt me at first but I've moved on. Two things though, it influenced my decision to have an only child and if they ever hit hard times and expected me to help them, they'll be disappointed

[josCS]

I would write down a few points/questions so you have it clear in your head what you want to say and call her. Ask her if it's friends only, if she is organising a separate family do or if you perhaps could. If it's friends only agree to baby sit. suggest you have the kids for a sleep over a couple of times before the party so they get used to staying and are happy to stay on the night of the party. This is a very reasonable request and has the bonus of you getting to see your brothers children more which is what you want.

[Pinklady1982]

Misstiggiewinkle your attitude towards your dhs family sounds very similar to how my sis law is, and i can tell you its extremelly hurtful for the family being left behind! Again i used to get along very well with my brother until my sil starting falling out with me over completely ridiculous things, and since fell out with my mum too, and my brother has always been on her side which is so hurtful, whereas i will say something to my oh if he said anything out of place to a family member, and in fact we nearly split up as he upset my mum! So i cannot agree that you should always support your immediate family as in your oh, and i will never be that blind sighted that i let anyone get in between me and my close family. Unfortunately i think my relationship with my brother is completely over because of sis, although i have tried so hard to talk things over so many times with them both, so this has hit a nerve big time, and i dont mean to come across as being rude, i just cannot agree that you should put your parents and siblings second. I am a nice persom i swear, and my mum is too, and we have both tried to be so accomodating and welcoming into our family, but its just not seen like that by her for some reason and i dont get it. Anyway sorry for rambling on, op i think you should get the facts before replying, as if it is friends only she will prob make you feel silly for wanting to be invited! At least you get to see the kids thou :)

[OrchidaceousRose]

Myth I don't now I've thought it through. Recently I just felt a bit guilty, because part of the reason he totally disengaged from her was because she was hurtful to me a few times, including at our wedding. But I realise after thinking it through that it's really not my call- it's his decision. If he wants to go back to arm's length rather than totally disengaged, that's his business and he can make it happen though.

When we first got together, we went out as a group quite a few times after she invited me and him to a birthday party quite early on. I thought it was the norm because DH didn't say any different. I made a big effort in a "new to the family" way and thought she was just trying to be welcoming. But after a while he felt he could be more open about what the real situation was, so I stopped going the extra mile. He said that when we first started going out, he couldn't think of a way to tell me that he found his sister hard work without coming across weird. She wasn't being welcoming, she just saw a way to get back closer to her brother through me.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

You are right Shark, and I am clearly wrong - people really do seem to love to hate their extended family!

[SharkBrilliant]

Dowager OP states in her first post that she fucking hates the evil bitch. I think it's fair to say that she isn't really trying to manage a happy, healthy medium.

It doesn't sound like OP has enveloped SIL into her family. 10 years and she's furious about the very idea of her being a director in the family business that SILs own husband runs! That alone shows that OP doesn't consider her SIL part of the family!

Sorry, but I wouldn't be inviting someone who thought I was an evil bitch and fucking hated me to a celebration I was planning. I think if people were being honest, they wouldn't either.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

When I said 'you sound mad' Mercury, I meant 'angry'. And you do sound angry, as you're massively projecting your situation onto the OP's.

Most people manage a happy, healthy medium whereby they keep close, loving ties with their 'old' family, and envelope them into the new.

Well, that's what I always thought. Maybe I'm wrong, and toxic, hating on people is the norm.

[MercuryInTransit]

My feeling is that if the OP wanted to do something for her brother, she could arrange a party herself.

As we don't know who is invited, and usually the sil hangs with her own friends as a rule, not her DH's family, we can assume that friends are going to be there.

Why don't you organise a family party with kids for your DB OP instead of rudely trying to crash a party you're not invited to.

No need to call me names or doubt my sanity, that's just rude and breaches guidelines. I'm of a different opinion to you is all, as I have a similar situation with a huge, interefering family in law who would organise everything into a 'their' family get together on their terms.

The OP needs to leave "home". Of course her brother will side with the wife he chose to share his life with, and has children with, rather than the sister he happened to be born into the same family as.

You sound jealous of their relationship with each other OP, and reluctant to see things as they really are.

I suggest you offer to babysit for the party she's organising for her DH, and organise a family event for your DB if you care that much.