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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

265 replies

OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 16:25

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

OP posts:
JennyWoodentop · 10/02/2017 17:19

"He's my brother. Why am I not invited to his birthday party?"

  • and if I'm not close enough to be invited then I am surprised you would feel I'm close enough to be trusted to mind your children
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/02/2017 17:19

Is this a new trend? Furbies parties for adults? Is it like swinging but you all swap furbies? I'm confused. Ovaries, think poster meant furries. Bit different.
nope, just passing through, not place marking at all.

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 17:19

Tell us, tell us!

I would respond as pp have suggested: "We would love to come, thanks! Let me know if you think of anyone to babysit."

The absolute cheeky bitch.

StealthPolarBear · 10/02/2017 17:19

Yes I find that odd as well. No contact - except when it suits

SquinkiesRule · 10/02/2017 17:19

I'll just wait here till you call your Mum back and see who else is invited.
Just to add to what Cherryskypie said about him dropping in if he wanted, he may think you could drop by and see him if you really wanted. You know swings and roundabouts.

Timeforteaplease · 10/02/2017 17:22

I agree with PPs - your bother would see if he wanted to. You are sticking your head in the sand by blaming the SIL.

SalmonFajitas · 10/02/2017 17:23

and if I'm not close enough to be invited then I am surprised you would feel I'm close enough to be trusted to mind your children

Exactly this. If you never see your DB and aren't at all close it might be acceptable not to invite you but then why the hell would you want to babysit their kids!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 10/02/2017 17:23

I'd be up front about it too, 'You're fucking kidding right?' springs to mind.

dreamingofsun · 10/02/2017 17:24

dont think you are necessarily sticking your head in the sand by blaming SIL. when my brother didn't have a woman he was very sociable - coming to stay, chatting every evening online. directly he got a woman he ignored me....she is ugly inside and out and i have to say a very bad influence on him from what i've seen. i just think they take the easiest option

Original poster
OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 17:28

@squinkiesrule - I do! Often! And I ask to see my nephews often too, offer to take them out, have them round to ours, the answer is 9 out of 10 times a "no" followed by a very vague reason like "they aren't in on Saturday" or some such bollocks xx

OP posts:
lingle · 10/02/2017 17:30

very aggressive of your SIL.

A thought. Why not text back "sure". Look after their children, miss the party, then arrange to have lunch with your brother. You would have a very strong hand to play.

What is the history here? Does she have reason to dislike you?

It is odd to snub you whilst also asking you to babysit IYSWIM....

Original poster
OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 17:32

I didn't say "I don't see him often", I said "we don't have a great relationship"

I see him quite a lot as he runs our family business! It is socialising as families that seems to be the issue, but we have a HUGE family and SIL has barely any family, not sure if that is anything to do with it.

Doesn't sound like any of our cousins know anything about the party yet.... (well, I guess they do now I've text them all!) Wink

OP posts:
lingle · 10/02/2017 17:32

So usually she does not let you babysit but this time she will?

lingle · 10/02/2017 17:35

"socialising as families that seems to be the issue, but we have a HUGE family and SIL has barely any family, not sure if that is anything to do with it."

Could be.... does she find you all overwhelming. Are you friends with an ex or ow?

Evilstepmum01 · 10/02/2017 17:38

She sounds like my SiL, always too busy to see us! Snitty cow! shameless placemarking for tips on handling bitch SiL

Evilstepmum01 · 10/02/2017 17:38

She sounds like my SiL, always too busy to see us! Snitty cow! shameless placemarking for tips on handling bitch SiL

Strokethefurrywall · 10/02/2017 17:39

Oooh, I like your style - texting everyone to see if they've been invited. Crafty. If they're not invited then they'll all be pissed off too and if they are invited you'll have an even greater hand to play...

Strokethefurrywall · 10/02/2017 17:39

Oooh, I like your style - texting everyone to see if they've been invited. Crafty. If they're not invited then they'll all be pissed off too and if they are invited you'll have an even greater hand to play...

misstiggiwinkle · 10/02/2017 17:41

I'm sorry, I'm on the SILs side here. Clearly this isn't a family party, this is a surprise party she is organising for her DH and their friends. Why are you taking such offence to being asked to babysit? I don't understand. It makes a lot of sense to me from you SILs POV to ask a family member to babysit. Obviously decline if it doesn't suit you but you sound quite ridiculous insisting on being invited.

I do believe that whilst relationships with wider family are important, once someone marries and has their own family, this takes priority. It must be extremely difficult for your SIL to deal with your large family always wanting to be involved in their nuclear space if she has come from a small family. Particularly if a family business is also involved. Maybe she just wants some space?

If your DB wanted a close relationship with you then it's up to him to foster that. Nothing to do with SIL. He is actually doing the correct thing by supporting his wife, not being trampled on by his family.

Original poster
OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 17:42

@lingle, I think possibly she does find us all overwhelming, or just the fact that there are so many of "us" and only "her", I feel like this is her way of having some sort of control? Don't know, it's messed up. Have to go and pick children up now, will be back when I've phoned my parents again! Thanks for the top advice so far! xxxxxxx

OP posts:
lingle · 10/02/2017 17:46

Yes it does sound like a control thing. It sounded like a windup at first but I am beginning to see it.
Nothing excuses the text though.

Original poster
OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 17:47

@misstiggiwinkle - yeah, I can see your point. Would you call a sister "wider family" though? I would think of him, my brother, as one of my closest family? Guess we all see things differently but you've helped me see it from her side a bit. I also have a BIL and SIL on my husbands side and we see a lot of them, we think of them as a big part of our family, I suppose I just wish it was the same with my side xxxx

OP posts:
FatOldBag · 10/02/2017 17:48

Just text back and be very direct. "Why aren't you inviting me to my own brother's 40th birthday? And if you're not inviting me, then of course I'm not going to babysit for you! How rude of you to ask".

SquinkiesRule · 10/02/2017 17:48

In that case I agree he could come by and she's being a cow.

DavetheCat2001 · 10/02/2017 17:51

I'd just ask her straight out 'are we not invited'?

I couldn't be arsed with all the subterfuge and drama to be honest.

If she has't invited you then she clearly doesn't want you there, so would you really want to insist for an invite to go to a party you weren't really wanted at?

Up to you re the babysitting thing. It is a bit rubbish to exclude you and ask a favour in the next breathe, but best to just know where you stand really imho. Be warned though that it may fracture an already ropey relationship with your brother and nieces/nephews.