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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...

265 replies

OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 16:25

So I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife, unfortunately. I used to be great mates with my brother but since his wife came along (10 ish years ago now!) it's got worse and worse over time. She doesn't like to associate with family, preferring her friends over anyone and everyone. Her choice but makes a lot of situations awkward, especially as I would like my son to have a relationship with them and his cousins.

Anyhoo.... she has just text me to say that she is organising a surprise party for my bro's 40th in the summer, so I'm thinking, ooooh that sounds fun, I wonder what we'll be doing..... and then it says "so because everyone will be there I was wondering if you would babysit?"

After I spat my tea all over my keyboard and got over the shock, I typed back a very blunt and rude text but don't dare send it! How does she dare not invite us!??? I really wanna put her in her place but I also don't want to cause a bigger rift in the family...... what do I do Mumsnetters, WHAT DO I DO! I fucking hate the evil bitch

OP posts:
Bluebellevergreen · 10/02/2017 17:52

I disagree with PPs, I dont think there is any need to type a rude reply.

An image will suffice Grin

To want to tell my SIL to go and take a running jump...
JennyWoodentop · 10/02/2017 17:54

I'm sorry, I'm on the SILs side here. Clearly this isn't a family party, this is a surprise party she is organising for her DH and their friends.

My comment was based on the assumption this was a friends & family do and OP was being excluded. If it's just for friends, I agree that's different.

Elland · 10/02/2017 17:55

Does she ask you to babysit other times or was this just her way of being a massive twat and making a point that you're not invited?

glasgowsfinest · 10/02/2017 17:56

Hmmm, I'm on the fence here. DH's family is huge, mine is tiny. I struggle as I'm not used to having any real responsibility or expectations re family things. I also have very little in common with my SIL's so don't choose to spend much time with them, nor them with me. It's feasible that I would arrange a surprise night out for DH just for friends, not family, and ask MIL to babysit. Although I invited all the family to DH's surprise 40th as it I knew he would have wanted them there. I'm just trying to show an alternative perspective from someone who really doesn't get or feel comfortable with lots of family around. I'm nice, honestly!

BonnyScotland · 10/02/2017 18:01

tell your SIL to GTF x

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2017 18:03

I think I might just text back with "Everyone????" and nothing else.

Then find out if other family are going before potentially making a tit of myself by going off on one, as it could be a friends only one as pp have said.

Penfold007 · 10/02/2017 18:04

Cake you say your brother runs the family business. Does you depend on the business for employment and/or income? If you do think long and hard about how you reply. You need to say no but not end up rocking the boat IFYSWIM

ollieplimsoles · 10/02/2017 18:04

I dont think it matters who the party is for, the sil said "everyone else will be there" clearly implying that there is literally no one else to babysit and the op is specifically not invited.

How sad that your relationship with a sibling comes down to this, sil is a cheeky cow!

HashiAsLarry · 10/02/2017 18:04

Not placemarking at all Grin

I quite like balloon's suggestion

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2017 18:05

Has she had her 40th yet? What did she do? Or what did she do for her 30th.

If she has little family then "friends only" parties are probably what she is used to - evening do which starts late and ends late with lots of booze perhaps, not the sort of thing you want your In-laws and little nieces and nephews at.

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2017 18:07

ollie she didn't say "everyone else" she said "everyone."

Everyone else means "everyone apart from YOU."

Everyone could well mean "everyone we normally ask to babysit" depending on context

SoupDragon · 10/02/2017 18:07

I didn't say "I don't see him often", I said "we don't have a great relationship"

she turns down invitations to EVERYTHING so we barely see them.

ChopOrNot · 10/02/2017 18:10

I am on the fence here. There is clearly some back story. But - and this is a big but...I have been to loads of 40th birthday parties with just friends and no family presence there.

So her "everyone" could just mean all their friends. You know - people you don't know. Friends. Not family.

So it may not even be on her radar to invite any family. Not to be rude - but just to compartmentalise.

Budget constraints may be a factor too. If she asks one brother (from a huge family) then she has to ask all the family. So her guest list might go from say 30 people to 70 plus (

This is what would happen with my DH"s huge family - invite one-equals-invite-all-equals-add-40-people if you included the children or plus 20 if just adults.

mya83 · 10/02/2017 18:14

Has anyone else confirmed they have been invited yet?

lingle · 10/02/2017 18:14

When you invite her to stuff, is it to events for the "whole clan?"

HappyFlappy · 10/02/2017 18:16

Personally I wouldn't be made use of. Can't remember who said that a refusal to babysit might totally fracture an already fragile relationship with DNs.

I don't think it will make any difference. The relationship only exists when SIL/DB decides it does - and that is when it is convenient for them. If you don't babysit it will give them an excuse to be openly hostile, but the relationship doesn't really exist anyway.

I speak as someone who was a family doormat for decades, and wish I'd told them all just to p*ss off!)

Northernlurker · 10/02/2017 18:16

This will end up in the Daily Mail..........

That will knacker the surprise element 😀

Alpies · 10/02/2017 18:17

I don't know the back story but I usually ask my sister to babysit if we r going out with our friends. For instance, we r having a birthday lunch with friends for OH's birthday (organised by OH) so my sis has agreed to babysit as she's the closest person to me. Maybe she has asked you to babysit as she doesn't have any close family? I didn't invite OH's brother (neither did he btw), because 1. He wouldn't come 2.he wouldn't go anywhere unless it's with his parents 3. He comes under family.

In the same respect if OH organises a party for me with friends then I'm sure he would ask my sister to babysit as we trust her.

On the other hand if I was the one organising a party for OH and was inviting family, then I would definitely be invited BIL.

Witchend · 10/02/2017 18:17

There could be two sides here.

I'm in the position that all my family are way away-too far to come for a day.
Dh's family are either too very close to fairly close (2 hours, so easily day visit able)

Dh's family also are a bit take over-y.
if I give an example, at one of the dc's baptism, we hired a hall for afterwards, then we invited the Godparents and people that had come a distance back to our small house. One set of godparents, who lived near, refused as they could see we were going to be very crowded.
The dh's relative that lives very close decided that he would come in, and proceeded to try and take over the whole group by having a slide show, yes a slide show of their new house. interspersed with comments along the lines of "don't you wish you were getting this house" to guests they had not met more than 3 hours previously. It ended with most of the guests leaving, and I got several "who on earth was that person?"

So when we were having our 15th wedding anniversary we made a conscious effort to invite friends only.
Mind you, I doubt he was aware of it happening, and certainly wouldn't have asked him to babysit. Have never asked us to baby sit. Although he has asked us a few times... along the lines of "Could you drive over here and pick them up at 6am, and then you mustn't deviate from their routine by more than 2 minutes, and we'll send you a text when we home so you can drop them off..." Sorry. We're busy. Grin

AyUpMiDuck · 10/02/2017 18:20

agree with Fackorf- 'no I can't possibly babysit because I want to be there to celebrate with him and I suggest you get a sitter who is not a close friend or relative"

allthelove · 10/02/2017 18:21

You need to copy your brother into the reply.

AyeAmarok · 10/02/2017 18:25

If you are a big family, do you know if your other brothers and sisters are invited?

EweAreHere · 10/02/2017 18:27

Just say no, and that you'd hoped you'd be celebrating your brother's milestone birthday with him, too.

Atenco · 10/02/2017 18:29

I can't believe all the people siding with the SIL who has been so outrageously rude. You do not tell someone about a party that everyone is going to and in the next breathe tell them that they are not invited and then ask them to do you a favour.

CoraPirbright · 10/02/2017 18:31

I had a significant birthday party and had all the bil/sils. I love them all and just can't imagine them not being there alongside all my mates. However, we are never invited, if at all possible, to my brothers. His wife doesn't like us (my bro's wider family) and does her best to keep away. Really sad - I used to be close to him but now rarely see him as (and I can quite understand why, as she can be unpleasant) he wants a quiet life and, of course, counts the needs of his wife above those of his sister. It is a real sadness in my life but there we are.