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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely ignore this massive hint?

446 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:32

Do not to drip feed dh and I don't have a close relationship with bil and sil.

We have fundamentally different views of parenting and there was some weirdness around gift giving on our dds bday and Christmas last year.

Not heard from them since Christmas Day again not unusual we generally hear from them at birthdays and Christmas and if we bump into each other at inlaws it's smiling nodding and being polite.

To try and formulate a bond between our dd and dn we've facilitated a few sleepovers at ours and tbh it was bloody awful dn is spiteful, destructive and generally a pain so after the last one we (dh and I) said no more.

Had text today from bil saying "dn would love to come yours to see dds room again as she had lots of fun last time" no hi how are u nothing

Dn is 4.5 and dd is 2.5 so they're not close in age last time she was here she pulled dds pigtails and made her cry, stamped on and broke a toy and ripped up the toy money from dds till. Dh was cooking and I was playing with them but she'd done all of them before I could stop her and then smirked at me after.

Aibu to ignore his text

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 10/02/2017 21:47

He asked for an IPad? For his 4 year old? From relatives we was previously estranged from?

Brass. Balls.

ny20005 · 10/02/2017 21:54

I'd be so tempted to say you'll provide cake & then turn up & m&s caterpillar cake - just to see their faces 😂

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/02/2017 21:58

Ooh I remember the gift thread!

I spend too much time here Blush

MirriVan · 10/02/2017 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elkalv · 10/02/2017 22:10

I think it's perfectly ok to decline if you don't feel you will enjoy to have a kid around. But I think maybe it's a bit overreacting to blame a kid for breaking a toy etc, I mean they are both very young so unlikely to be evil, but can be naughty. Also he might have been a bit stressed in new environment and feel like he is alone. At 4,5 the kid is probably trying to push the boundaries and to me it looks a bit like you don't like your bil and sil and hence the kid.

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2017 22:13

I'm amazed t the sheer bloody mindedness and dogged persistence! Obviously he wants babysitting for free, hence his determination to drop off his dd on days he specifies. Cheeky bugger!

Chloe84 · 10/02/2017 22:26

OP, just read the iPad thread. What did BIL propose to give your dd as he requested an iPad for his dd?

And did they give dd the £4 book for xmas? (After suggesting £30 budget).

These people are either jealous of you or your DH.

GabsAlot · 11/02/2017 00:32

wtf are they on

they just hint away with no thought and inbetween dont bother with u

bunch of users your dd is better off nc-u dont want her around peopole like that

IMissGrannyW · 11/02/2017 01:27

Can I be one of your close friends, Nicpem1982? I appreciate cake and won't ask you to babysit!

ElderDruid · 11/02/2017 04:51

Glad you got it sorted, looks like a Tesco's Finest / M&S meal for 2 instead of what they planned.

Sassenach85 · 11/02/2017 06:16

I remember that thread!! Wow what a guy Hmm

HappenstanceMarmite · 11/02/2017 07:39

Could somebody please link to the iPad thread?

Whoever linked to that Asker/Guesser article, thank you. Very helpful actually 👍

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 11/02/2017 07:43

Chloe- he didn't propose to give us anything specific. We gave dn the Christmas present we had bought in the end and my dd had the book they'd bought on Christmas Day said thank you and moved on to opening her other gifts from inlaws

We didn't say anything to bil but mil noticed and wasn't happy and told us to revise our budget.

OP posts:
Dumdedumdedum · 11/02/2017 07:43

iPad mentioned quite late in the thread.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 11/02/2017 07:45

Elk- it may have been an accident but it looked very deliberate. I understand what you're saying the last sleep over wasn't the first one at ours

OP posts:
MummaGiles · 11/02/2017 08:04

Only got up to page 5 before wanting to post this, so not RTFT and there may be updates to the story I haven't seen, but I would be tempted to make the plans for them to come to yours on Saturday and then cancel very last minute because of sudden horrid d&v bug. Leave them in the lurch for their Saturday night.

thatdearoctopus · 11/02/2017 10:28

Hmm I wonder whether there's a subtext here, whereby they have some kind of issue over your dd's presents/possessions. As you mentioned on the previous thread, they only got her a cheap small gift as they felt she had so much already. And now they're banging on about Dn wanting to play with these presents.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 11/02/2017 13:51

Thatdear- I don't know why they would?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/02/2017 14:45

"I don't know why they would [have some kind of issue over your dd's presents/possessions] ?"

I think thatdearoctopus might be on to something. BIL (and presumably SIL too) have been weird about your DD's possessions, in particular her presents. After all BIL texted that it would "be exciting for dn to play with dds Christmas toys" (such a weird turn of phrase too) - well DD's Christmas toys would all be presents, wouldn't they?

Plus, they are very insistent on you giving their daughter presents. They (he?) originally suggested very expensive gifts. When you laughed in his face demurred, SIL suggested a £30 limit which you agreed to. And then BIL made it clear they were only spending £4 on your DD (whilst still expecting you to spend £30 on his DD).

In short - does he equate 'money spent on presents' to 'love'? He wants you to shower his daughter with money as love, to prove that his DD is loved? Hence wanting you to make her birthday cake too? He sees your DD's presents as love that should be given to his DD instead, sees them in some sort of competition for love from PIL, you, his brother etc? Yes, it's an unhealthy way to look at life, but - is there anything else that might tie in with this? Did he see himself in competition with his brother, your DH, for their parents' love? (Doesn't mean he was, just his perception.)

BIL/SIL were presumably NC with PIL around when your DD was born? Could they resent her as an 'interloper', blame her for the extended NC because (just their perception again) PIL had a granddaughter to shower with affection so lessening their missing DN (and so not coming to heel, as it were)? Might explain why your SIL wouldn't acknowledge your DD.

All batshit crazy, but - some people are batshit crazy.

Kazplus2 · 11/02/2017 14:49

Yabu to describe your 4.5 year old Bruce the way you have done. Honestly!!!!

Kazplus2 · 11/02/2017 14:49

Neice not Bruce - bloody predictive text!!!!!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 11/02/2017 15:32

Where you- they went Nc just after I'd had my 13 week scan. So maybe.

Kaz -what do you think was unreasonable?

OP posts:
gemmagemma16 · 11/02/2017 17:57

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 11/02/2017 18:03

Gemma - thank you for your articulate and valid input. If you would like to expand your answer I'm happy to read it and respond as appropriate.

OP posts:
indigox · 11/02/2017 18:10

From this, the comment about your DD being spoilt from the DN and the Christmas thread BIL and SIL seem to have some jealousy issues when it comes to money, do you earn more than they do? My ex-bil was similar, and because I earned more, they expected me to fund their lifestyle, look after their child, buy their uniform and so on.

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