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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell school & parents not to speak to DS again?

221 replies

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:01

Last week there was an incident in the library when some of DS's class were in there. DS was at a table with 2 other boys, they are all 8.

DS says he was getting a book from the shelf when he heard one boy cry and another make a 'raspberry' noise.

One boy is saying he blew a raspberry at the other boy. The other boy is saying the boy spat in his face, then blew the raspberry to cover it. However both bits are adamant that DS was looking and should be backing up their story. DS is absolutely adamant that he had his back to them as he was getting a book out.

Fwiw I believe DS because he absolutely does not get on with the boy who is being accused of spitting and the other boy is his best friend so I think if he could back up his friend then he would.

My issue is that he's been spoken too by the head twice, the deputy head three times and his class teacher a couple of times as well. I've had both mothers at my door demanding to speak to him and this morning I got a phone call from the school that he'd arrived very upset because one of the parents (I've no idea which one yet) tried to speak to him at the gate and he asked school to call me and ask me to collect him at the end of the day - this is a boy who is massively proud off his walking to and from school, it takes 4 minutes and last week when I was in for a pta thing wanted me to walk the long way round so he could still walk himself home with the little group.

Apparently the head is planning to speak to all three boys again tomorrow and the secretary said she would imagine, knowing the head, it would be made very plain to the other parent that approaching DS wasn't on.

Aibu to tell them today that I don't want anyone - school or parent - speaking to my DS again about this? He didn't see it. He hasn't changed his story since the first time he was asked. He has no reason to lie and I'm not wanting him pulled out of class again for anymore chats?

I'm livid that someone thought it acceptable to speak to him. I'm angry with myself for not thinking of it, but it was last week and he's been fine everyday, just a bit annoyed that he keeps having to repeat it. I know it's a potentially very serious incident but if he didn't see it he didn't see it.

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 11/02/2017 09:14

That's appalling from the HT

Original poster

lalalalyra · 11/02/2017 12:56

gemma you think my son should be punished alongside two others because he might be lying about seeing nothing? Trust me, if that suggestion gets made I'll turn into one of those parents. Absolutely no way ~ unless of course they plan to issue the same punishment to the two staff members who claim to have seen nothing...

OP posts:

Sprinklestar · 11/02/2017 13:22

I'd remove DS from that shit shower of a school, go to the press and make sure Ofsted were well and truly involved, as well as the LEA. Bypass the governors. The original incident has been and gone. What has happened with your son is despicable. What happened with the community police? I'd be persuing both sets of parents for their harassment of your son via a solicitor.

manicmij · 11/02/2017 13:51

I would consider any further "speaking with" to be harassment. Definitely would tell school this unless there is anything further they can tell you to warrant questioning. As this is obviously such a big deal for school perhaps aggravated by involved parents suggest you mention should be reported to police especially as your D'S is being approached outside school by adults. May seem heavy handed but the two other boys may get th message and tell the truth. I suspect they are setting your DS up.

Original poster

lalalalyra · 11/02/2017 14:31

The community police are taking the approach outside the school seriously. They are deeply unimpressed. The row had been reported by two other people already.

The chair of governors has been in touch. Don't want to say too much, but he's acting entirely appropriately.

Just waiting to hear back next week from the lea and lado.

DH is in agreement to look at what other schools have space in DS year. Two other parents in friends with are also considering it so I'm thinking I'll want to do it sooner rather than later as more and more will probably want to move if it keeps going.

OP posts:

diddl · 11/02/2017 14:31

He might be lying about seeing nothing, but it's not really the issue in this case, is it?

Tbh if he said he saw x, one of the boys (whichever it didn't suit) would probably be disagreeing with that.

He's being bullied by parents, called a liar by class"mates", harrassed by the HT-all for being where he should have been & doing what he should have been doing!

HorridHenryrule · 11/02/2017 14:34

Hopefully like the ht from my children's old school the ht will be asked to leave. It got very embarrassing for her in the end. 170 kids left the school and parents were complaining left right and Center.

cherish123 · 11/02/2017 14:55

These other parents sound awful. I would politely tell them to stop harassing an 8 year old who has done nothing wrong. As for the school, it seems rather a lot of interrogation for one incident. It is fine to ask your son if he saw anything ONCE not multiple times but as he did not they should have just left it at that. The most important thing for a child at school, before they can learn anything, is to feel secure and happy. I am afraid this school as failed your child if it is making him feel like that.

cherish123 · 11/02/2017 14:57

Even if he did see something, he may feel uncomfortable about telling a tale on a classmate. Although, in my experience, children will tell on each other for the slightest thing, even on a friend. The head etc should not pester him.

diddl · 11/02/2017 15:07

" he may feel uncomfortable about telling a tale on a classmate. "

Well yes, especially if there have been "incidents" with said classmate.

Original poster

lalalalyra · 11/02/2017 15:55

TBH I think if he had seen the other boy spitting he'd have said. It would have been backing his friend, it would have got someone he doesn't like into trouble and he's not afraid of telling tales - so I also think if saw his friend lying he'd have said.

He's not an angel by any means, but he's a truly crap liar. I genuinely think if he was lying both mil and I would have sussed him.

I've explained to him that adults get things wrong sometimes and the school have got this one wrong. Shall see what happens.

OP posts:

happymumof4crazykids · 11/02/2017 16:27

I'm shocked reading this at the sheer amount of pressure all these so called adults are putting on your poor son! The HT sounds like a useless tool! I have never been a teacher but I would have thought the process for this should have been :

all people present asked what happened
kid that spat or blew raspberry told off regardless of which one it was 10 mins lost of play and made to apologise.
end of story

Why has such a big deal been made out of all of this and what is wrong with the parents harassing a child to be involved in this frankly hugely blown out of proportion incident?

comedycentral · 13/02/2017 21:27

How are things OP?

Original poster

lalalalyra · 23/02/2017 01:39

I meant to update earlier in the week - sorry!

DS started his new school today (well yesterday now I suppose!). He's disappointed he can't walk to and from school anymore, but he's glad to have moved. I'm very glad I acted as quickly as I did as I've heard on the grapevine three other parents from his year group have been looking for places to move theirs too. Several other children from other year groups have moved to another school as well and apparently there is three teachers leaving at Easter - so all is not well on the school ship!

The community police officer spoke to both of the other parents. I don't know the exact details, but I'm told they were left in no confusion about the acceptability of both approaching a child in that way and having a row at the school gates.

The school are "reviewing" their handling of the spitting incident. The Head is very shocked that I moved DS, but tbh she was mainly concerned about the breakfast/afterschool club and playscheme. She's desperate that doesn't move - the playscheme might, I'm not sure about the breakfast and ASC, but it's not going to be my problem for much longer as I'm intending to step away from it. They are two separate groups so I can stay involved in the playscheme. There's a bit of panic over the PTA as well, but they'll simply have to find someone else.

Both of the parents have been to my door to apologise. One was very genuine. I felt a bit sorry for her, not that I told her that, but she wasn't the one that started the row/shouting and she's very nervous it may affect her job if the police cautioned her or anything. The other reminded me of one of my teenagers when they are told to apologise and don't really mean it...

All in all I'm glad I've moved him. With having the new baby in August I haven't been in the school as much over the past few months and I hadn't realised just how bad things have got. One of the teachers has moved her child, which as someone who used to work in schools, speaks absolute volumes to me.

Thanks for all the help/support. Much appreciated!

OP posts:

kali110 · 23/02/2017 03:42

Wow, sounds like the school is going right down!
Hope your ds settles into his new school

WateryTart · 23/02/2017 07:59

Good news, thanks for the update, OP.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 23/02/2017 08:03

Good news, I'm so glad you moved him.

Bobbybobbins · 23/02/2017 08:04

Good news all round!

DartmoorDoughnut · 23/02/2017 09:14

Glad it's all sorted and that you managed to move your DS so quickly

atheistmantis · 23/02/2017 09:27

YANBU, the school and the other parents are though.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 23/02/2017 12:57

Glad it's sorted. Know what you mean about the not-apology though!

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