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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell school & parents not to speak to DS again?

221 replies

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:01

Last week there was an incident in the library when some of DS's class were in there. DS was at a table with 2 other boys, they are all 8.

DS says he was getting a book from the shelf when he heard one boy cry and another make a 'raspberry' noise.

One boy is saying he blew a raspberry at the other boy. The other boy is saying the boy spat in his face, then blew the raspberry to cover it. However both bits are adamant that DS was looking and should be backing up their story. DS is absolutely adamant that he had his back to them as he was getting a book out.

Fwiw I believe DS because he absolutely does not get on with the boy who is being accused of spitting and the other boy is his best friend so I think if he could back up his friend then he would.

My issue is that he's been spoken too by the head twice, the deputy head three times and his class teacher a couple of times as well. I've had both mothers at my door demanding to speak to him and this morning I got a phone call from the school that he'd arrived very upset because one of the parents (I've no idea which one yet) tried to speak to him at the gate and he asked school to call me and ask me to collect him at the end of the day - this is a boy who is massively proud off his walking to and from school, it takes 4 minutes and last week when I was in for a pta thing wanted me to walk the long way round so he could still walk himself home with the little group.

Apparently the head is planning to speak to all three boys again tomorrow and the secretary said she would imagine, knowing the head, it would be made very plain to the other parent that approaching DS wasn't on.

Aibu to tell them today that I don't want anyone - school or parent - speaking to my DS again about this? He didn't see it. He hasn't changed his story since the first time he was asked. He has no reason to lie and I'm not wanting him pulled out of class again for anymore chats?

I'm livid that someone thought it acceptable to speak to him. I'm angry with myself for not thinking of it, but it was last week and he's been fine everyday, just a bit annoyed that he keeps having to repeat it. I know it's a potentially very serious incident but if he didn't see it he didn't see it.

OP posts:

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 10/02/2017 15:45

I can totally understand your frustration, the HT sounds like she just wants an easy life. If this had happened at my DC's old primary school the HT would have banned the mothers from the playground. She had a zero tolerance approach to parents taking matters into their own hands. I hope you manage to find a new school place for him.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 10/02/2017 16:01

They knowingly left a nine year old alone in tears in a corridor for an hour?!

I wouldn't send a child of mine back to that school again either on that alone! (teacher) Complete fail in basic duty of care. And the whole issue of the parents approaching your ds is shocking, that should have been jumped all over as soon as it happened. Glad you're talking to the police about it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2017 16:02

Ohhh I understand your frustration and rage, I really do.
We have a relatively incompetent head (principal) at DS1's primary school here too - bloody wet nelly, she is, all "softly softly, mindfulness, let's all be friends, think about our behaviour" - all of which is fine to START with but when the bullying keeps on happening then she needs to ramp it up and she seems unable to do so. Fucks me right off.

In this case, the hounding and harassing of your son to say something he can NOT say, because he has already TOLD them he didn't see anything, is vicious. They're basically calling him a liar (I didn't see it - you must have, you were there) and expecting him to change his story to fit their narrative.

The spitter, if indeed he did spit, is disgusting. IF an adult were to spit in someone's face, that would be counted as assault. Different for children, I know, but it's NOT just to be ignored.

As for the whole "i don't know why your son is so upset, or why the other mothers shouldn't have approached him" - well that just beggars belief.
I would suggest that you go in and have a total screaming fit at her and then stand back and ask her how SHE feels now, except that she'd probably call the police and have you banned from the school (rightly!)
She clearly doesn't think children have equivalent rights to be kept safe from warring adults and as such is failing dismally in her role.

Urgh - hope you manage to get some satisfaction in this.

SouthWestmom · 10/02/2017 16:13

I wouldn't be that convinced he didn't know it? He hates the 'spitter'? His friend has made an accusation and if his friend is wrong he won't want to say that.

That aside, form should be one statement, then leave it.

HorridHenryrule · 10/02/2017 16:14

Send your husband in their she will listen then. I have noticed that teachers and head teachers are not good at listening to women when they are concerned about their child. Send your husband in their they are saying how intelligent he is because they are worried.

Just an observation.

SpermThroughASashWindow · 10/02/2017 16:17

Absolutely NU! What an odd situation!

Blatherskite · 10/02/2017 16:24

If someone did that to my 9 year old I'd be livid too! YANBU

Twatternatter · 10/02/2017 16:26

Why on EARTH should the HT listen to her husband more than the OP on the Subject? What is this the bloody 1950s??? ridiculous

NotYoda · 10/02/2017 16:27

Twatter

I don't think they are saying she should, more that she might (which is, I agree, depressing)

user1484578224 · 10/02/2017 16:29

yes the child is intelligent and only a man can deal with this.

DorcasthePuffin · 10/02/2017 16:31

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This is rubbish.

Original poster

lalalalyra · 10/02/2017 16:32

It's so frustrating. It was a really good school. The discipline is really slipping and it's starting to have too high a turnover of teachers for my liking.

The head is completely focussed on this spitting incident. I get the parents being focussed on it. I daresay someone had spat in DS's face I'd be like a lioness roaring at the school to 'do' something and equally if he was being wrongly accused (to me) I'd be livid, but having worked in schools for so long I feel the school staff have totally lost sight of things. Sometimes you don't see what happened so you can't sort it perfectly, sometimes it's really frustrating because you do actually know what happened, but if you didn't see it then you can't deal with it. So you deal with what you can, you keep them apart and you watch them like hawks. You don't let it drag on and on and on disrupting everything.

noeuf I really don't think he knows. He could easily have landed the accused boy in it. Even without saying he saw it he could have said he heard something, but he's adamant he didn't see anything and that the cry out from his friend and the raspberry noise was at the same time. He hasn't helped either boy, despite huge pressure to do so.

OP posts:

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/02/2017 16:32

Why on EARTH should the HT listen to her husband more than the OP on the Subject? What is this the bloody 1950s??? ridiculous

But sadly often true

HorridHenryrule · 10/02/2017 16:33

Twatter I am going from experience.

FrancisCrawford · 10/02/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MathsFiend · 10/02/2017 16:43

I think HTs sometimes deliberately don't get the nuance of what you are complaining about, it's very frustrating. She is trying to keep turning it back to the original incident because it is one of the boys' fault rather than addressing the subsequent incidents because then the school is at fault.

I had the same issue with my DD's previous HT, who deliberately misinterpreted what I was saying. In the end, had to remove my DD from the school.

Original poster

lalalalyra · 10/02/2017 16:45

I'm furious at the fact that when they called me to ask me to collect him at the end of the day he was still in the corridor crying. They called me. Why not tell me he was still upset and leave it up to me to decide?

I'm furious with myself for not trusting my instincts and going straight down there. I keep replaying that, but I got the impressed he was in his class and I didn't want him pulled out of class again or anything.

OP posts:

MathsFiend · 10/02/2017 16:46

The thing is-if she had just said, we should have contacted you and I will speak to the other parents as they shouldn't have approached him- you would probably have been satisfied at the outcome and left it. But because she is deflecting from the issue, it is making you frustrated and is escalating the situation.

diddl · 10/02/2017 16:48

"The head is completely focussed on this spitting incident."

Which is fine, but your son's (non) part in it is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over!

So she told the other parents to back off?

Promised that your son will not be spoken to again?

MadMags · 10/02/2017 16:55

My God I'd be fuming!!!! You've done absolutely right by your son!

pollymere · 10/02/2017 17:01

He's 8! Not 18! This is ridiculous behaviour on the part of the school. Whether he saw them or not, he is entirely innocent it seems of the actual behaviour so should not be interrogated! I would also question why there was no adult with them at the time in the library as presumably they would have also witnessed it. I think you need to contact the governors about this inappropriate behaviour by senior staff. I would be angry over this if my child had been the one spitting, let alone someone just in the library. I would usually expect apologies from the children or lost play/golden time but to be taken no further than that.

pollymere · 10/02/2017 17:01

sleeponeday · 10/02/2017 17:02

She is trying to keep turning it back to the original incident because it is one of the boys' fault rather than addressing the subsequent incidents because then the school is at fault.

I'm afraid I agree with this. She's not being obtuse; she's being interpersonally manipulative. I've yet to meet a head without that capacity, unfortunately. I suspect you need it to reach that level in the profession.

AlexRose5 · 10/02/2017 17:50

Oh my days I would be fuming!
What a RIDICULOUS way for adults to carry on. Your poor son.
I would ask for a meeting with the head, and both sides of parents on the same day so you can say to all of them at once to back the bloody hell off your son!
He's there to LEARN, not to play witness to some petty rubbish . That parent in particular that felt they had the right to pull your son at the gate would get a piece of my mind! How DARE an adult approach a child and put them in the spot like that.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 10/02/2017 18:01

your poor ds, I hope the police take the matter seriously

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