Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell school & parents not to speak to DS again?

221 replies

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:01

Last week there was an incident in the library when some of DS's class were in there. DS was at a table with 2 other boys, they are all 8.

DS says he was getting a book from the shelf when he heard one boy cry and another make a 'raspberry' noise.

One boy is saying he blew a raspberry at the other boy. The other boy is saying the boy spat in his face, then blew the raspberry to cover it. However both bits are adamant that DS was looking and should be backing up their story. DS is absolutely adamant that he had his back to them as he was getting a book out.

Fwiw I believe DS because he absolutely does not get on with the boy who is being accused of spitting and the other boy is his best friend so I think if he could back up his friend then he would.

My issue is that he's been spoken too by the head twice, the deputy head three times and his class teacher a couple of times as well. I've had both mothers at my door demanding to speak to him and this morning I got a phone call from the school that he'd arrived very upset because one of the parents (I've no idea which one yet) tried to speak to him at the gate and he asked school to call me and ask me to collect him at the end of the day - this is a boy who is massively proud off his walking to and from school, it takes 4 minutes and last week when I was in for a pta thing wanted me to walk the long way round so he could still walk himself home with the little group.

Apparently the head is planning to speak to all three boys again tomorrow and the secretary said she would imagine, knowing the head, it would be made very plain to the other parent that approaching DS wasn't on.

Aibu to tell them today that I don't want anyone - school or parent - speaking to my DS again about this? He didn't see it. He hasn't changed his story since the first time he was asked. He has no reason to lie and I'm not wanting him pulled out of class again for anymore chats?

I'm livid that someone thought it acceptable to speak to him. I'm angry with myself for not thinking of it, but it was last week and he's been fine everyday, just a bit annoyed that he keeps having to repeat it. I know it's a potentially very serious incident but if he didn't see it he didn't see it.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 09/02/2017 17:33

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to put your complaint in writing to the school. Have a letter in your hand. Make them respond in writing. CC the governors. You want a formal record of this.

The school is getting this very, very wrong.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/02/2017 17:35

Cel982
Good Lord, why on earth has the school allowed a minor "he said/he said" incident to drag on for a WEEK?!

Did you read the bit about the parents?

SalmonFajitas · 09/02/2017 17:35

There's no way I would let it go and I would want it looking into. It is serious and it's not even close to acceptable behaviour. It's dirty and downright disgusting.

I think you're right since apparently there is a history of incidents between the two boys and it might be a case of bullying which is very serious but I do think they need to let this particular incident go and look to the future (lay out in no uncertain terms what is acceptable behaviour and consequences for not complying etc.). If they can't find out what happened I don't see what else is to be done.

Galena · 09/02/2017 17:42

Firstly, I don't condone the behaviour that has gone on.

HOWEVER, I work in a school, and whilst full-on, proper 'lump of spit' spitting happens once in a blue moon, there are a large number of children who complain 'So and so spat at me' when it turns out that So and so was talking excitedly and a tiny drop of spit came out of their mouth and landed on/near the other child. It happens occasionally to me as an adult. I'm sure it's happened to you.

So yes, full on, intentional spitting is vile and should be treated very seriously, but the sort of 'spitting' which is reported by children is often not at all serious and just needs an apology, whether or not it is a second incident.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 09/02/2017 17:46

How is your ds now?

Those parents should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

LemonBreeland · 09/02/2017 17:47

Definitely time for a formal complaint to the head and governors. This has been handled so badly.

diddl · 09/02/2017 17:49

"The issue appears to be that this is the second time there's been something between these boys and the parents of the boy who says he was spat at are furious and are not letting it go. "

Understandable-but nothing to do you your son or you!

"that's why I wouldn't let me 8yo walk alone".

Bloody hell-I'm in a small town in Germany & it's not unusual for kids to walk to school with friends not long after starting (age 6) or indeed to & from Kindergarten.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 09/02/2017 17:54

Presumably full-on spitting is quite noisy? Did you ds HEAR anything? At least that would establish that some proper spitting happened.

However, the school really needs to tell these parents to let it go. And the parents need to get a sense of proportion.

It's not a court of law and your son does not have to be a witness even if he did see/hear something. It's fine to not want to be involved (unless it was something really serious like a stabbing or suchlike). He just says "I have already said I didn't see anything" and "can I go now please" and repeat. The old "record player" strategy. Just keep saying it.

Spitting is disgusting but these kids are 8 years old. It's time people moved on. If they don't, absolutely complain formally as people have suggested.

user1484578224 · 09/02/2017 17:56

Sisinisawa Thu 09-Feb-17 14:15:45
It's harassment. If you know which parent I'd call the police for them to have a word.

This is what I was commenting on....kids being silly in a library, parents turning up, child being cross questioned, harassment, police? Seems a bit OTT

chocolateworshipper · 09/02/2017 18:00

I can't even tell you how outraged I would be if parents approached my child and tried to talk to them about something like this - and mine are much older than yours! Utterly, utterly unforgivable at his age. I do hope your meeting tomorrow goes well and that the school deal with the parents.

NotYoda · 09/02/2017 18:02

I agree with Galena

OP

It's outrageous that these mothers spoke to your son.

diddl · 09/02/2017 18:02

One boy has admitted the raspberry, so surely that's enough to talk to him about respect for others...?

As for the other parents, they obviously both want their boys to be believed-but how about they start by believing Ops son?

NotYoda · 09/02/2017 18:04

diddl

Yes

Oblomov17 · 09/02/2017 18:05

Good grief. What a major over reaction by the school, these parents, all. Why would they all need to be interviewed so many times over something so trivial.
YANBU OP.

katherine775 · 09/02/2017 18:06

YANBU !
I'd be the same x

Lofari · 09/02/2017 18:09

Shame on those 2 mum's for accosting your DS!! Absolutely disgusting behaviour on their part.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 09/02/2017 18:11

I'm absolutely livid that one of them approached him. I'm trying to stay calmish until I know what happened exactly, but I'm raging.

I wouldn't stay calm. Another parent approaching your DS who you don't know and who he presumably doesn't know is a safeguarding issue. It's why even parent helpers who help with swimming lessons have to have a crb check.

MsJamieFraser · 09/02/2017 18:12

Putting it in writing OP, compose a letter to the head and write everything done, that way they HAVE to act on it.

YADNBU

FannyFacial · 09/02/2017 18:14

Shame on the mothers! That would make me feel awkward/nervous, I imagine it was bloody frightening for an 8 yr old. As for the school, they should have called the police if they felt repeat interrogations on an innocent child was needed (which is bloody ridiculous).
OP I hope you and ds get the apologies you deserve, and I hope this doesn't have a lasting effect on your ds Flowers

DartmoorDoughnut · 09/02/2017 18:17

Absolutely appalling behaviour from the other mothers

NotYoda · 09/02/2017 18:17

It sounds to me as if these parents are a total PIT and the school is unable/unwilling to get them to calm down, hence then continuing to pressurise your son. It's a major task to deal with difficult parents. An assertive response by the school to them is vital

NotYoda · 09/02/2017 18:17

PITA

MatildaTheCat · 09/02/2017 18:18

Intolerable. If your ds were to suddenly remember that yes, he did witness this incident he's then open to cross examination as to why he didn't say so before by all and sundry.

He's said what he did or didn't see. End of. I would categorically forbid any further mention of this to him in writing.

Joanna0685 · 09/02/2017 18:18

I agree with you DS was not involved, why are they harassing and upsetting him about it

Starlight2345 · 09/02/2017 18:21

I would be furious too.
I hope you get this resolved tomorrow.

Poor boy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread