Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell school & parents not to speak to DS again?

221 replies

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:01

Last week there was an incident in the library when some of DS's class were in there. DS was at a table with 2 other boys, they are all 8.

DS says he was getting a book from the shelf when he heard one boy cry and another make a 'raspberry' noise.

One boy is saying he blew a raspberry at the other boy. The other boy is saying the boy spat in his face, then blew the raspberry to cover it. However both bits are adamant that DS was looking and should be backing up their story. DS is absolutely adamant that he had his back to them as he was getting a book out.

Fwiw I believe DS because he absolutely does not get on with the boy who is being accused of spitting and the other boy is his best friend so I think if he could back up his friend then he would.

My issue is that he's been spoken too by the head twice, the deputy head three times and his class teacher a couple of times as well. I've had both mothers at my door demanding to speak to him and this morning I got a phone call from the school that he'd arrived very upset because one of the parents (I've no idea which one yet) tried to speak to him at the gate and he asked school to call me and ask me to collect him at the end of the day - this is a boy who is massively proud off his walking to and from school, it takes 4 minutes and last week when I was in for a pta thing wanted me to walk the long way round so he could still walk himself home with the little group.

Apparently the head is planning to speak to all three boys again tomorrow and the secretary said she would imagine, knowing the head, it would be made very plain to the other parent that approaching DS wasn't on.

Aibu to tell them today that I don't want anyone - school or parent - speaking to my DS again about this? He didn't see it. He hasn't changed his story since the first time he was asked. He has no reason to lie and I'm not wanting him pulled out of class again for anymore chats?

I'm livid that someone thought it acceptable to speak to him. I'm angry with myself for not thinking of it, but it was last week and he's been fine everyday, just a bit annoyed that he keeps having to repeat it. I know it's a potentially very serious incident but if he didn't see it he didn't see it.

OP posts:
OhJustPassTheCake · 09/02/2017 14:44

@TheMysteriousJackelope has got this BANG ON.

Lottie4 · 09/02/2017 14:48

In the first instance, your son wasn't in the wrong in the first place, ie he was using the library for it's purpose and not messing around/using unacceptable behaviour so the school shouldn't be coming down so hard on him.

Also, other parents should not be speaking to you or your son about the matter as it happened on school premises.

I'd also want to know what the teacher has to say about the matter. It could well be that he/she had her back to them while speaking to another child, but I bet the school believe him/her!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2017 14:50

Fgs how ridiculous. I would be so angry in your situation. Your child is being bullied into telling a story.

My dd (also 8) told me about an incident of bullying last week - taunting an adopted child with an awful song. I emailed the teacher, who spoke to her the following day to asking the names of the children involved. I have no idea of the outcome. As far as I'm aware, the situation has been addressed. If the parents of the children found out she instigated this, I'd be apoplectic. If the school continued to ask questions, I'd be extremely annoyed.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 09/02/2017 14:51

Wow yeah, I'd be fuming. Tell the school you want no further questioning of your son and if it continues you will be reporting it. It's entirely unreasonable for them to keep interrogating him. The police don't interrogate criminals as much as that!!
As for the other parents, well I don't think mnet would enjoy my response, however I would tell them that if they continue to harass my son they will be reported to the police. You probably won't have to do so, the threat should be enough.
It seems very dramatic for such a silly act. Don't get me wrong, spitting is vile but this should have been dealt with much differently. I really would be furious.

Spacecadet14 · 09/02/2017 14:54

The school is behaving appallingly! I would email the head and say in no uncertain terms that it feels like your son is being bullied into changing his account and the school's refusal to accept his version of events is enabling the other parents to act inappropriately towards your DS. Make it clear the school does not have permission to question your son about this matter any further and cc in the head of governors.

Original poster
lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:56

If I find out the parent upset him by shouting or yelling then I'll be speaking to the community policeman. If he's upset by anything other than another mention of this I'll hit the roof.

I'm heading down now so it'll either be sorted or I'll be more furious shortly!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 09/02/2017 15:02

I would go straight to the governor's tbh, and bypass the head .
Such an over reaction from them all and not fair on your poor ds, who probably feels more victimised than either the raspberry blower or his best friend.
This isn't on and the parents need telling too. They can't take matters into their own hands.
I'd turn up on their doorstep demand to talk to their son and tell him to stop hassling your ds.

diddl · 09/02/2017 15:06

Bloody hell you must be livid.

He has been spoken too far too many times already.

They obviously think he's lying because both of the other boys have said that he was looking.

But so bloody what if he did see-it's not going to solve a heinous crime is it, & whatever he says he saw, one boy or the other would be pissed off at him, so he's in a lose/lose situation!

The boy blew a raspberry-obvs not as bad as spitting but still disgusting & demeaning & has been admitted-so they should just bloody well deal with that!

hutchblue · 09/02/2017 15:10

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

YouHadMeAtCake · 09/02/2017 15:11

YADNBU and I too would be furious. The staff are behaving terribly.Three members of staff quizzing him,multiple times?! That is crazy. What a lot of fuss about such a small incident. As for the parents approaching your DS, yes I would be fuming about that too and let it be known. I agree with Gilly I would go straight to the Governors as the HT is clearly useless. They're basically bullying your DS, a lot of them too.

embod · 09/02/2017 15:17

What a ridiculous situation. Can't believe the school have the time to keep perusing this incident - surely they have more important things to deal with. Obviously spitting is unpleasant and the child concerned should be spoken to. But that should have been done at the time. If your child said he didn't see anything - he didn't see anything!
As for the parent....it doesn't surprise me! Some parents seem completely unable to recognise boundaries and what an appropriate response is!

LittlePaintBox · 09/02/2017 15:19

What a massive overreaction by the school! Why is he not being believed when he says he didn't see anything?

I'd say he was not to be interrogated again, and escalate it to the governors if he is. It's a problem between the two boys, no need to drag your DS into it.

Hesdeadjim · 09/02/2017 15:21

.... have i missed something?

Are you all taking the mick and I'm oblivious? Blush

a kid spat at another kid, why is that a serious issue?? Surely that kind of thing happens daily with 8 year olds? Why are the school questioning any child at all? I'm 26, have things really changed so much that now an 8 year old can't spit at another 8 year old without a full scale investigation??

When I was that age, if one of the kids involved told the teacher they'd be told to ignore silly behavior and not play with that child for a while! In extreme cases, the other kid might be asked to apologise Shock

Isn't this whole thing just teaching kids how not to deal with conflict?

Jesus wept.

YouHadMeAtCake · 09/02/2017 15:28

Er jim have you actually read the thread? Hmm

Scrumptiousbears · 09/02/2017 15:30

Good luck OP

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 09/02/2017 15:31

@Hesdeadjim you are missing something.

Try reading again

OhJustPassTheCake · 09/02/2017 15:49

@hesdeadjim - wow.

just.....wow.

cantkeepawayforever · 09/02/2017 15:56

hesdeadjim,

No, spitting is not 'daily' with 8 year olds. Once a year, maybe, in a class of 30+? It's like biting - which is even rarer IME past nursery age, I've probably dealt with 1 incident in 5 years - it's just one of those things that isn't done.

LagunaBubbles · 09/02/2017 16:01

a kid spat at another kid, why is that a serious issue?? Surely that kind of thing happens daily with 8 year olds?

Ive often wondered what the parents of the bully who bullied my son were like and why he turned out the way he did, regarding his behaviour. Im kind of beginning to understand why some kids turn out the way they do if parents exist that think its acceptable normal behaviour for kids to spit at each other.

WhisperingLoudly · 09/02/2017 16:09

Spitting at each other is absolutely not an every day (or even a vaguely common) occurrence.

Assume it was the alleged spitters parent if your DC is best friends with the other child led presumably they know the parent well enough not to be too disturbed by an approach?

CoraPirbright · 09/02/2017 16:11

Errrm, no spitting is not a daily occurrence with 8 year olds. At least not with any 8 year olds I have encountered. What in the hell sort of school did you go to?? It is utterly revolting!!

Hope you get some resolution OP - the school have handled this appallingly. They should be apologising to your ds and leaving him the hell alone. And as for this parent who thinks its fine to accost an 8 year old on their walk to school....well, words fail me.

Foxysoxy01 · 09/02/2017 16:16

Sorry to go off thread a little OP but - Hesdeadjim,

It may not seem like a big deal to you a child spitting in another's face but I will never forget when I was 9 yrs old and I was at a friends house. We went out to the playground that the houses all overlooked and were playing happily when a boy came over that was about our age. He wanted me to play I said I was playing with my friend and was busy so he spat in my face, laughed and rode off on his bike.

I was mortified and very upset, my friends father went round and I can only imagine ripped the boys father a new one.

I really can remember it now well over 20 years later although being an adult now I do wonder what the poor boy witnessed in his home for him to think if a girl/woman disagreed with you it was ok to spit at them.

Bluebubble123 · 09/02/2017 16:19

I agree that spitting is disgusting and no 8 year old should be doing it. But the school do seem to be going over the top with this. ( Probably pressure from the spat at child's parents) your child OP should have been asked once about what happened and that was that.
If it was one child's word against another and there was no witnesses to the illeged spitting the school should just have said that they hope this didn't happen and that there would be punishement if anyone is caught spitting. And leave it at that.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 09/02/2017 16:26

Hesdeadjim you need to rtft. You've entirely missed the point. And also, spitting in someone's face is absolutely disgusting, feral behaviour. It's certainly not something that most 8 year olds do. Sadly though not all adults can wrap their head around what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, so we end up with certain children who think it's OK because their parents fail to instill the correct values.

HolesinTheSoles · 09/02/2017 16:26

Agree that spitting is nasty and should have a repercussion but seriously? The spitter should have been spoken to seriously even if it was just a raspberry and that is the end of it. Unless this is part of a pattern of bullying behaviour I have no idea why the school is doing such a large scale investigation and repeatedly asking your DS the same question and expecting a different answer is ridiculous.