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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell school & parents not to speak to DS again?

221 replies

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:01

Last week there was an incident in the library when some of DS's class were in there. DS was at a table with 2 other boys, they are all 8.

DS says he was getting a book from the shelf when he heard one boy cry and another make a 'raspberry' noise.

One boy is saying he blew a raspberry at the other boy. The other boy is saying the boy spat in his face, then blew the raspberry to cover it. However both bits are adamant that DS was looking and should be backing up their story. DS is absolutely adamant that he had his back to them as he was getting a book out.

Fwiw I believe DS because he absolutely does not get on with the boy who is being accused of spitting and the other boy is his best friend so I think if he could back up his friend then he would.

My issue is that he's been spoken too by the head twice, the deputy head three times and his class teacher a couple of times as well. I've had both mothers at my door demanding to speak to him and this morning I got a phone call from the school that he'd arrived very upset because one of the parents (I've no idea which one yet) tried to speak to him at the gate and he asked school to call me and ask me to collect him at the end of the day - this is a boy who is massively proud off his walking to and from school, it takes 4 minutes and last week when I was in for a pta thing wanted me to walk the long way round so he could still walk himself home with the little group.

Apparently the head is planning to speak to all three boys again tomorrow and the secretary said she would imagine, knowing the head, it would be made very plain to the other parent that approaching DS wasn't on.

Aibu to tell them today that I don't want anyone - school or parent - speaking to my DS again about this? He didn't see it. He hasn't changed his story since the first time he was asked. He has no reason to lie and I'm not wanting him pulled out of class again for anymore chats?

I'm livid that someone thought it acceptable to speak to him. I'm angry with myself for not thinking of it, but it was last week and he's been fine everyday, just a bit annoyed that he keeps having to repeat it. I know it's a potentially very serious incident but if he didn't see it he didn't see it.

OP posts:

Funnyface1 · 10/02/2017 18:05

Op I have to say I really feel for you and your son. What an awful lot of pressure for him. He should feel safe and happy in school and if these teachers go much further he will end up bad with his nerves. Absolutely astounded by the head teachers response. With regards to her and the parents involved I think you are showing remarkable restraint, much more than I could. It's as if they've all lost sight of the original issue and have created all this unnecessary stress for your child, unbelievable.

38cody · 10/02/2017 18:06

God talk about a storm in a teacup!
Yes tell them to leave him alone, give them a short written statement " I did not see what happened" signed DS.
Give the parents a copy and a rollicking for upsetting your son and have a duvet day with him.

Bestthingever · 10/02/2017 18:08

This happened to my ds when he was in year 2 but it was just the school who kept questioning him, not the parents. Just like your ds, the 'victim' was his best friend so of course he would have helped if he could. I totally lost when he said one morning 'I don't want to go to school today because Mrs W will probably bring me in at lunchtime to ask about what happened.' I asked to see the head. She denied he'd been spoken to only a daily basis and made him out to be a liar. However it did stop after that.
I'd like to add I'm a TA and I can see things from the school's side. I would lose respect for a colleague who dragged something out like this.

Picoloangel · 10/02/2017 18:17

It's commendable that your son is being honest in the face of this unreasonable pressure.
The behaviour of the school is pretty poor but the parents are behaving outrageously.
Enough is definitely enough. YANBU

Myl0w · 10/02/2017 18:18

Spitting is considered an assault and police could be involved. I would absolutely expect the school to take this so seriously and probably why the parents are so concerned. That doesn't excuse them speaking to your son though

mummyhappiness · 10/02/2017 18:32

You are right to be annoyed. Yes absolutely go to the school/parents and say that it is end of the matter as far as your son is concerned. You do not wish your son to be interrogated over this matter any more.
I'd be furious. Good luck. X

Blu99 · 10/02/2017 18:32

I feel for your DS, how distressing! How disruptive to his learning! Why the hell did the Mother's turn up at your door to question your son?! That's the moment I would have flipped. I would tell everyone involved to do one and say your DS has told the truth and he won't be questioned any further.

EweAreHere · 10/02/2017 18:39

Wow.

So the Chair of Governors is the parent of one of the children who is involved in the incident ... and the spouse, presumably, of this person is hassling your son? Wow. The inappropriateness is mind boggling.

And the Head Teacher doesn't see a problem with that? Or the continued interrogations over an incident that there were no witnesses to ... because there weren't unless they believe your son is lying for some mysterious reason ... but still completely inappropriate behaviour.

I would withdraw my child from the school and go out loudly.

I'd write to Ofsted as well re the behaviour of the parents who are/have spouses on the governing body.

Sparklyglitter · 10/02/2017 18:42

WTF!!! Your poor son! OMG these are meant to be grown adults!
You are well within your rights to say to the head that you do not want anyone speaking to your son about this. BE CALM though - even though you are rightly livid as you don't want to be drawn into their depths!
I can't believe the school have made such a fuss about this!

RiverTamFan · 10/02/2017 18:46

The whole situation of questioning the kids over and over again is utterly insanity. Ringing you, OP, and not telling you that at that specific moment your child is crying in a corridor because two grown women had a fight over his head is at best insanity and at worst disingenuous. I agree with all the statements about complaining in writing about this madness.

As for the future, I think you need a new school. You say discipline is slipping and this Head sounds like a total space cadet so it won't get better. This happened in DD's High school. 3 years ago it was fine but there were behaviour issues with DD's year that weren't nipped in the bud. Now her year, and all the ones below them, are running riot. Cops were called last summer when a lad's collar bone got broken in a fight. Bullying is rife. To top it all the local bus company is threatening to pull the service buses at home time due to damage to vehicles and harassment of other passengers! If DD wasn't in the middle of her GCSEs she'd be gone. Leave while you can pick a moment that suits you.

Kmmac1980 · 10/02/2017 18:46

I'm a head of year and investigate incidents if this nature a lot. Ring up your son's teacher and make your feelings clear. It is far too much. The only time I really question the same student more than once is if I'm trying to catch them out.. I do work in a high school though!

NotYoda · 10/02/2017 18:57

I would also wonder why the school can't go forward without knowing exactly what happened. It's incredibly common that things occur with no witnesses. They have ways of getting to the truth or an approximation of it, or if they are not satisfied they have, then they wait and watch and let the children know that's exactly what they are doing. It's not rocket science

NotYoda · 10/02/2017 18:58

... especially with Primary children. They aren't that clever

RosieRuby · 10/02/2017 19:13

I think they think the one boy is guilty and they probably can't take action unless your DS confirms he saw it, maybe they think he is afraid to tell the truth and are asking further questions to try to see if he does really know more and can give them the information they want. It's not right though, he has said he doesn't know so they should leave him alone. Also, some people regard blowing raspberries as spitting as often little bits of saliva spray out and I would be livid if someone blew a raspberry in my DCs faces. The boy who confessed should be dealt with accordingly on that basis alone, although I reckon they are hoping he did worse so they can treat it more seriously. Spitting is disgusting and is treated seriously in schools because of the dangers involved, think of the transmission of serious illnesses etc.
OP I think you should consider moving schools if they can't resolve this to your satisfaction.

sleeponeday · 10/02/2017 19:28

Spitting is considered an assault and police could be involved

Did you not read the part where the children are eight?

The whole situation of questioning the kids over and over again is utterly insanity.

There's a large, well researched body of peer-reviewed evidence that repeated interrogation of young children usually results in their saying - and quite literally believing - what the adults want to hear, and subconsciously direct them towards. Unfortunately that evidence was acquired after a lot of miscarriages of justice. I'm really disturbed that a school dealing exclusively with small children has no clue about this basic fact, and it's a good thing your son has such solid support at home, so he's not been swayed into a genuine, yet mistaken belief that he did see what happened after all.

caringcarer · 10/02/2017 19:31

I would make an appointment to see the head and make a complaint that if school staff were not watching the children and did not see what happened then stop blaming your DS for not noticing the incident either. It is bordering on harassment.

Deidre21 · 10/02/2017 20:29

You are not being unreasonable. Clearly your son is telling the truth, especially if the story is the same each time he has told you.

Loreleigh · 10/02/2017 21:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable and feel for the kid being hounded by teachers and hijacked by other parents - how dare they try intimidation tactics on an 8-year-old. Tell your lad how proud you are that he is honest and not prepared to lie even for a friend - it takes even more courage to stand up to your friends than your enemies (hhhmm, there's an-almost quote from 'Harry Potter', but hey ho, the sentiment is the same). Stand your ground and let your boy know you will fight his corner as they need to get a grip and back off - it's tantamount to bullying otherwise - they should concentrate their efforts on the lads involved and move on.

gemmagemma16 · 11/02/2017 01:53

Probably because your ds or the other boys are lying so they should all be dealt with by the head the same and let that be a lesson to them

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/02/2017 03:08

Someone is lying so everyone should be punished? Nice grasp of ethics there gemma.

Groovee · 11/02/2017 03:43

What a hideous situation! The head has allowed it to drag on due to her ineffectiveness.

I think I would walk and loudly let people know why.

flowerpothead · 11/02/2017 06:57

You sound like a lovely Mum. I hope you and your DS manage to have a good weekend and that one of your emails falls into the hands of someone competent to sort out the HT etc. Well done you and shame on them.

lbsjob87 · 11/02/2017 07:09

Jesus, this is ridiculous. I work with this age group, and things like this happen - 8 year old boys are 8 year old boys.
The issue is clearly between the other two boys, your son is being unnecessarily harassed over something that only ever warranted a telling off for the raspberry blower.
It sounds to me, completely surmising but speaking from experience, as if the school are looking for a reason to get rid of one of those boys, they can't, for whatever reason use the other boy's claim as it is, so want your son to back it up.
Good on him for standing his ground, but definitely, DEFINITELY get it put on record that you're not happy about it. The school has a duty of care, and that includes keeping him safe from other parents.

SenoritaViva · 11/02/2017 07:23

This has made me so sad.

I work in school and am safeguarding governor. There is NO way this would happen. I am horrified and shocked. You are not over reacting. Your poor son.

For the record in our school we would've asked the boys what happened, accepted your son's story, dealt with matter with boys and informed parents all on the same day. Matter dealt with. That's what should've happened.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 11/02/2017 07:40

Call the HT on what she's doing. She wants your DS to lie to her and other adults about the incident so that her job is easier. That's outrageous.

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