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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell school & parents not to speak to DS again?

221 replies

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 14:01

Last week there was an incident in the library when some of DS's class were in there. DS was at a table with 2 other boys, they are all 8.

DS says he was getting a book from the shelf when he heard one boy cry and another make a 'raspberry' noise.

One boy is saying he blew a raspberry at the other boy. The other boy is saying the boy spat in his face, then blew the raspberry to cover it. However both bits are adamant that DS was looking and should be backing up their story. DS is absolutely adamant that he had his back to them as he was getting a book out.

Fwiw I believe DS because he absolutely does not get on with the boy who is being accused of spitting and the other boy is his best friend so I think if he could back up his friend then he would.

My issue is that he's been spoken too by the head twice, the deputy head three times and his class teacher a couple of times as well. I've had both mothers at my door demanding to speak to him and this morning I got a phone call from the school that he'd arrived very upset because one of the parents (I've no idea which one yet) tried to speak to him at the gate and he asked school to call me and ask me to collect him at the end of the day - this is a boy who is massively proud off his walking to and from school, it takes 4 minutes and last week when I was in for a pta thing wanted me to walk the long way round so he could still walk himself home with the little group.

Apparently the head is planning to speak to all three boys again tomorrow and the secretary said she would imagine, knowing the head, it would be made very plain to the other parent that approaching DS wasn't on.

Aibu to tell them today that I don't want anyone - school or parent - speaking to my DS again about this? He didn't see it. He hasn't changed his story since the first time he was asked. He has no reason to lie and I'm not wanting him pulled out of class again for anymore chats?

I'm livid that someone thought it acceptable to speak to him. I'm angry with myself for not thinking of it, but it was last week and he's been fine everyday, just a bit annoyed that he keeps having to repeat it. I know it's a potentially very serious incident but if he didn't see it he didn't see it.

OP posts:

EmmaGellerGreen · 09/02/2017 16:30

Jim - no, spitting certainly isn't usual in schools, well certainly not in DS's. It is completely unacceptable and one of a few "red" offences which attract the most severe consequences. I hope that you aren't teaching your DC that it's an ok and normal thing to do.

user1484578224 · 09/02/2017 16:34

omg call the police about some kids blowing a raspberry?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2017 16:36

Hesdeadjim, seriously, you think spitting in someone's face is something that happens daily? If you really do think that, then your childhood was not a good time and you are in denial.

Hesdeadjim · 09/02/2017 16:42

Whoops, I seem to have angered the masses

I don't have DC so you can all relax the grip on your judgey pants

It's not acceptable behaviour and I never said it was, but I despair at the thought that head teachers have to launch full scale inquiries because an 8 year old blew a raspberry

Surely the supervising adult should have just diciplined the boy in the moment though? What's the point of investigating like this? If the plan is to chastise the child for the spitting once all the facts are gathered, surely the moment has now passed? So why bother with all the dramatics?

diddl · 09/02/2017 16:48

"but I despair at the thought that head teachers have to launch full scale inquiries because an 8 year old blew a raspberry"

But they don't/shouldn't-that's the point.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 09/02/2017 16:51

Yeah. You still haven't rtft Jim. The child who was spat at is claiming that the other boy properly spat at him in the face, then blew the raspberry to cover it up. Which is quite a serious accusation, hence the investigation. If you're not going to bother reading then why comment?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/02/2017 16:57

Hope it went ok OP.

And err user1484578224 "omg call the police about some kids blowing a raspberry?"

That's not anywhere close to what the OP wrote, is it?

Just adds to the overall feel that some people on here need to actually read the thread before weighing in.

Hesdeadjim · 09/02/2017 16:57

But why keep hammering on about it? Just tell the kid that any kind of spitting is wrong whether it was a raspberry or a full on spit, chastise as appropriate in the moment and move on!

diddl · 09/02/2017 16:58

"But why keep hammering on about it?"

I think that that is what Op is hoping to find out & more importantly, stop!

KurriKurri · 09/02/2017 16:59

It's not acceptable behaviour and I never said it was, but I despair at the thought that head teachers have to launch full scale inquiries because an 8 year old blew a raspberry

omg call the police about some kids blowing a raspberry?

Are people having problems reading the OP? - it is perfectly clear. One boy is claiming the other spat (serious) then blew a raspberry to cover the spitting, the accused is saying he just blew a raspberry (less serious)
That is why the school and parents are getting het up - one is a serious thing (technically assault) one is within the realms of normal child behaviour.

No one is getting worked up over 'just a raspberry'

Two boys at my DS's secondary school ( a few years back) received a police caution for spitting at another child.
If you spit at someone in the street or anywhere it is assault/a public order offence.

If the boy has in fact been spitting then it needs to be dealt firmly by the school because it could lead to a lot of trouble for him if continues as he gets older to believe that spitting is not a big deal.

That's why the parents are working themselves into a frenzy, because possible spitting boy's parents are crapping it.

If OP's DS heard one boy cry then another make a raspberry noise in that order - that suggests it was spitting with raspberry used to cover it.

however Op's little boy has now given his evidence (several times) and should be left alone. Harrassment by the parents is completely unacceptable and the school should not have set such a bad example by repeatedly questioning OP's little boy when he didn't see anything, he's told them what he heard and that's his part in the incident finished.

YouHadMeAtCake · 09/02/2017 17:00

jim

but I despair at the thought that head teachers have to launch full scale inquiries because an 8 year old blew a raspberry

and so do the PP, so you have missed the point entirely.

CrokerCourtbullion · 09/02/2017 17:00

But why keep hammering on about it?

That's sort of the OP's point...

SlankyBodger · 09/02/2017 17:01

Spitting is assault, I understand? Jolly good thing too; totally unacceptable. Revolting behaviour.

CrokerCourtbullion · 09/02/2017 17:02

X post with everyone else who's been reading properly!

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/02/2017 17:03

If there is one more incident about this, you should call a meeting at the school with all three teachers and both parents. It sounds like they've lost all common sense over this incident and you now have a child who feels he's being ganged up on by several adults who should all know better. It's a more damaging situation than the one that started all this. If it's still ongoing tell them to find a resolution without involving your child again.

Cel982 · 09/02/2017 17:06

Good Lord, why on earth has the school allowed a minor "he said/he said" incident to drag on for a WEEK?! I agree with jim that it should have been dealt with on the day and then left. Spitting is, obviously, yuck, but the histrionics seem way out of proportion to what may or may not have occurred.

The way your son has been treated is way out of order, OP, and I'd be furious too.

HashiAsLarry · 09/02/2017 17:13

Not sure if I've missed anyone else saying it, but its perfectly possible your DS was staring in their direction when it happened albeit in a thinking of something else not paying attention type way. However I totally agree with the point about why the hell are the school dragging this out? YWNBU to tell the school and the parents to leave DS alone.

Original poster

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 17:16

I'm more livid than I've ever been in my life.

Have a meeting with the HT tomorrow as she wasn't available at the end of school.

DS was essentially accosted by BOTH mothers. One approached him, the other saw and came storming over. He was taken into school by another Mum who filled me in at the gate at home time.

What I was told on the phone goes nowhere to describing how shaken and upset he was and I'm furious - they know I'm only 5 minutes away and could have one down to comfort him. He didn't go to class u til after break time which is over an hour after I spoke to them.

The issue appears to be that this is the second time there's been something between these boys and the parents of the boy who says he was spat at are furious and are not letting it go. He's DS' best friend in school but I don't really know them as we're pretty rural so the boys don't play together after school or at weekends.

Not as furious as me right enough. If the head doesn't deal with it properly then I'll be looking into moving him. She's newish to the school, but she doesn't seem to actually deal with anything. I've emailed the community police locally. It might seem out but I'm damned if I'm letting two grown ups terrify my 8yo.

Already had one smug one giving it "that's why I wouldn't let me 8yo walk alone". Had to walk away - he should be able to walk it safe from fucking parents involving him in a slanging match.

OP posts:

SalmonFajitas · 09/02/2017 17:21

Wow YANBU for being annoyed. These two mothers are hardly setting a good example for their own children - accosting a young child who certainly hasn't done anything wrong!

What do they hope to achieve if he didn't see he didn't see. Of course I'd be concerned if I was either of these boys' mothers but surely they need to let this particular incident go and set up a plan of action with the school for the future to make sure no more incidents occur.

Libbylove2015 · 09/02/2017 17:22

Sorry, a potentially serious incident - blowing a raspberry and spitting a bit?

The school are treating this like an episode of Silent Witness - what a stupid overreaction! I mean nobody can condone this sort of behaviour, but your child hardly warrants multiple cross examinations for it -how very silly, the poor boy.

I hope you get to vent your frustrations and the parents of the other two (and the school) feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

CoolCarrie · 09/02/2017 17:24

Of course you son should be able to walk to and from school without being harassed by 2 adults. I don't blame you for being bloody livid. It's not on that your lad is being stressed out by this. How dare the adults behave like that to him.
Glad you have got a meeting tomorrow, good luck with it all.

Libbylove2015 · 09/02/2017 17:24

Sorry - I appreciate it is the parents not the school who are overreacting.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 09/02/2017 17:28

OP's son should have been asked once by the teacher and then left out of it - it was nothing to do with him and he wasn't involved. He should never have been dragged in front of the HT, let alone 3 times or whatever it was. The parents need holding to account for harassing him which is bullying in itself and utterly appalling.

But I'm afraid I can't agree with those who are trying to minimise the spitting incident. If my child had been spat at in the face by another boy who had also previously bullied him, I would be apoplectic. There's no way I would let it go and I would want it looking into. It is serious and it's not even close to acceptable behaviour. It's dirty and downright disgusting.

Ceic · 09/02/2017 17:29

You are right to be livid! Your poor wee boy!

I hope your meeting with the Head goes well. The school seems to be handling it all so badly.

Bobbybobbins · 09/02/2017 17:30

I'm a secondary teacher - to be questioned so many times when he wasn't even involved is absolutely ridiculous. Shame on the parents for setting such a terrible example harassing your poor son.

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