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AIBU?

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Original poster

or was she actually asking me whether or not I am 'poor'?

203 replies

PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 22:25

I was at playgroup today and started making small talk with a woman I've never spoken to before. We started talking about schools and childcare and she said her children are in private school. I told her my DD is only 2, and not even in nursery yet, as I'm still at home, so I haven't thought much about schools. (I won't be going private, but I didn't tell her that.)

She then went on to ask if DD didn't qualify for free nursery as a 2-yr old? I assumed that she was a bit ignorant of the scheme, which offers free childcare to 'disadvantaged' children (that's the 'official line', not my words) in order to prevent them from falling behind academically when they start school. I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who does qualify (in fact I should imagine they would find the question rude also). But effectively she was asking me whether or not I am poor, wasn't she?

OP posts:
bittapitta · 04/02/2017 07:15

The thing is OP my parents were ridiculously poor growing up. Very poor. They went on to professional jobs and I thankfully didn't want for anything growing up. But rather than an expectation that I "should never worry about money" (which is what you said above that you want for your child), they instilled in me a healthy understanding of the value of hard work. It's good to know you need to think about money, you need to work hard (like you and your daughter's dad have!), and how to sensibly manage money etc. So get the chip off your shoulder and see your daughter as a blank slate who you don't want to bring up coddled and privileged but you want to understand the value of hard work and be proud of your journey.

For what it's worth you're probably on to something about the playgroup conversation BUT I don't think it was meant with any malice at all. She was a tired mum trying to make small talk conversation trying to work out who you were. But unlikely she was "judging" you.

MewlingQuim · 04/02/2017 07:17

I would have assumed she was just chatting, why are you reading so much into it? Confused

Why do you care what she thinks anyway?

SparklyUnicornPoo · 04/02/2017 07:22

So much so that they struggle to pay for their younger children's nursery, and start to wish they'd qualify for free hours? That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

Mine are at private, I couldn't afford to send another child to nursery, not sure I could even afford to feed another child to be honest. By the time you've paid fees, uniforms and all the extras a lot of private school families aren't that well off at all.

As for clothes, DD and most of her friends wear a lot of stuff from primark and asda.

There are a few children whose grandparents/well off relatives pay the fees, indeed my FIL helps out with ours.

I grew up way below the poverty line, there were days that free school meals were all i got to eat, that is when I wasn't in foster care where I was suddenly richer than I'd ever been. I've had to work bloody hard to get to where I am but by the time I pay school fees and make sure the DC have everything they need I have nothing for me. Which is fine, that's my choice but I do resent the assumptions people make.

Ask yourself this, had she not said her DC were at private, would you have even given her comment a second thought?

MewlingQuim · 04/02/2017 07:24

She sends her child to private school. Most people cannot afford to send their children to private school. I dont think she was unreasonable to assume you are poorer than her.

It doesn't mean she thinks you're scum.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 04/02/2017 07:29

I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me that question. I wouldn't be offended if someone assumed I have a very low household income (though I would be interested in why they thought that). But if I genuinely thought that someone was fishing to find out about my financial status to use that information to make a judgement on me, I wouldn't become friends with that person. I've had enough of people thinking they are better than me because they earn more money.

I'm sick of this constant attitude of "I've done well for myself because I earn a lot of money", and sorry OP but you sound like you fall into this category. It's the "I've worked hard to drag myself away from becoming like 'them' and I can afford nice clothes now", like people on low incomes don't work hard, like all we have to do is work a bit harder and we could buy posh John Lewis clothes too...

Skooba · 04/02/2017 07:32

Reading your OP I would have said she was fishing to see whether you are on 16K or less or not. There is probably no point her asking for your views on the local fee paying schools if you are on less that 16K.
She wasn't making a judgement just sussing the situation.

londonrach · 04/02/2017 07:34

Sounds like shes chatting. Id look into why you upset by her comment.

Believeitornot · 04/02/2017 07:40

Yabu

This is your issue. She was just making conversation.

There's a book written by investigative journalists, who talk to rich people about what salary you'd need to live off. They got it wildly wrong - far too high. They couldn't translate a low salary in to day to day amounts for living off of. So maybe she didn't know the actual figure and thought it higher than it was.

Either way she wasn't even being rude or judging IMO.

You on the other hand sound quite snobby! Having a bugaboo and the latest clothes for your children? One day you'll come to realise that this doesn't matter.

My mum was a single mum, we lived off of benefits and were poor. So I understand but I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to not care what others think I earn. Because I know I earn enough!

thatstoast · 04/02/2017 07:42

Ask her if she gets child benefit next time you see her.

Off to Google poulet & pret clothes or whatever...

Believeitornot · 04/02/2017 07:44

Sadly I've gone back to read the OP:

I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year

The way she replied could have been in one of two ways. First with an undertone of "well it is low so I'm not surprised as not many people will" or "even though you're clearly poor, you're not that poor"

I reckon the former. No offence meant by it.

tovelitime · 04/02/2017 07:51

I think you're being silly, it sounds she's making conversation and just lamenting that the threshold is so low that few people will get it which is a shame. You can't read anything into it, she was being polite and chatty and making absolutely no assumptions about you at all

DianaMemorialJam · 04/02/2017 07:51

Just tell her to frig off if she's annoying you next time

SparklyUnicornPoo · 04/02/2017 08:04

I'm not British so I don't really know how much private school costs but I thought it was pretty expensive.

It varies massively. DD's is one of the cheapest local (Kent) preps at £7,500 per year, I think the most expensive one near me is the boys boarding school at £37,538 per year (just under £30,000 for day pupils)

RobinIsThicke · 04/02/2017 09:11

She may have just been making conversation when she asked the question about free places and then when you said no she then remembered ooohh yeah the threshold is really low isn't it so most people don't qualify.

Or maybe when you told her you don't work she assumed you were on benefits and would qualify.

I honestly don't think she gives a stuff about how much money you have. I know I don't and you can never tell anyway. Do people actually care or is it just me that doesn't ?? If that's the case everyone must think I'm poor because I'm more than happy walking around in my less than pristine Converse.
l don't particularly want to judge how much money someone has by the way they dress, pram, car etc. As someone else said, it's often those people with less that make an effort to make it look as though they have more anyway.

ProfYaffle · 04/02/2017 10:23

Have you seen this thread op?

Sometimes people say random shit then get home and wonder wtf they said. Maybe she's at home with her head in her hands vowing never to go back to playgroup again Grin

VocalDuck · 04/02/2017 13:20

I have to admit to not knowing what the threshold is/was for any benefit and it is possible she had no idea either.

I also have the benefit of living close to some very expensive private schools, which we could never afford, but the people I know who have been to them have parents who have gone without to send their children there or they have got a bursary or else worked there to get discounted fees or free education.

Just as you are assuming what she thought of you, it is possible she can't afford the fees either but you are assuming she can.

Basicbrown · 04/02/2017 14:07

ProfYaffle I thought of that thread too 😂😂

OK, so the consensus is that I am a ridiculous, class-anxious, paranoid Hyacinth Bucket type who spends too much money on DD's clothes and will end up passing on my snobby attitude to her. Thanks everyone, I'm going to bed now.

No that isn't the consensus, it was an odd thing for her to say and I'd have been a bit Hmm. What I don't fully understand though is why it bothers you. I don't really care what people think of my financial status. But then I also know plenty of status-obsessed people (you can often pick them out by their cars) and perhaps people who are struggling are understandably more touchy about it.

Mammylamb · 04/02/2017 15:43

I don't think you can necessarily tell how rich or poor someone is from their possessions. I'm from a very working class area; most children are very well dressed in designer clothes and most parents would never let their child be dressed in 2nd hand clothes. In te middle class area I live in; the worst dressed women at playgroup with the trampiest looking children tend to be doctors. Most people cheerfully dress their kids in hand me downs, and the woman in the 500k house happily told me how she buys her kids toys 2nd hand.

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 16:15

Ask yourself this, had she not said her DC were at private, would you have even given her comment a second thought?

^ this.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 04/02/2017 16:50

But she did say that her kids were at private.

She dropped a reference to somethign that indicated she was rich. And then, she dropped a reference to something that would indicate OP was poor.

Taking the exchange as a whole- I think its pretty clear she was attempting to one up OP.

iamavodkadrinker · 04/02/2017 17:44

You sound horrified by the very idea that somebody might think you poor.

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 17:44

did she though?
Or did the OP ask and the woman say "oh they go to StPetes" and the OP being as she is made a mental note that that is a private school?

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 04/02/2017 17:59

Ah, good point TinselTwins. That would make a difference.

RebelRogue · 04/02/2017 18:03

This thread reminded me of the time when two friends I met online sent me some stuff for dd . Once the second package arrived OH asked with a horrified look on his face :" Why are they sending you stuff? Are you going round on your thingy(internet forum i used at the time) telling people we're poor😱😱😱?"

GrinGrinGrin

VocalDuck · 04/02/2017 19:29

But she did say that her kids were at private.

She dropped a reference to somethign that indicated she was rich. And then, she dropped a reference to something that would indicate OP was poor.

Taking the exchange as a whole- I think its pretty clear she was attempting to one up OP.

If the scenario was exactly as you suggest, I wonder if she is the insecure one who wants to make it clear she has money and belittles others to make herself feel better.