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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was she actually asking me whether or not I am 'poor'?

203 replies

PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 22:25

I was at playgroup today and started making small talk with a woman I've never spoken to before. We started talking about schools and childcare and she said her children are in private school. I told her my DD is only 2, and not even in nursery yet, as I'm still at home, so I haven't thought much about schools. (I won't be going private, but I didn't tell her that.)

She then went on to ask if DD didn't qualify for free nursery as a 2-yr old? I assumed that she was a bit ignorant of the scheme, which offers free childcare to 'disadvantaged' children (that's the 'official line', not my words) in order to prevent them from falling behind academically when they start school. I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who does qualify (in fact I should imagine they would find the question rude also). But effectively she was asking me whether or not I am poor, wasn't she?

OP posts:
x2boys · 03/02/2017 23:06

that annoyed me when ds2 was 2 , we didnt qualify CaloforniaSoul he also has severe speech delay and autism he now goes to a special school but we earnt about £48,000 between us then he didnt get diagnosed untill he was at nursery though.

Llanali · 03/02/2017 23:06

YABU- or at least very over sensitive. You say yourself that you have issues around this subject and are very upset by it, so I think logically you might be able to see that you are reading too much into what is just an idle chat.

RebelRogue · 03/02/2017 23:06

The only one that attaches judgement and negativity to being poor is you. Btw having expensive stuff doesn't mean you're not poor. Some people buy it on credit. Some people buy second hand.
She might've asked if you're poor,she might've not. But it seems you have a chip on your shoulder and instantly assumed what she meant and how she meant it.
Btw the free hours is not just for kids from low income families. There are several criteria that could apply,income being just one of them.

BackforGood · 03/02/2017 23:06

Yes, YABU.
She was chatting.
I suspect she didn't know much detail about the scheme.
It is you that is putting any other meaning in to what was said, not her.
You sound like you have some kind of unresolved issues and are hearing things that aren't there.

0hCrepe · 03/02/2017 23:09

Just sounds like chatting to me and maybe bemoaning the fact that many people like you can't benefit from the scheme, because you earn too much.

user1483300717 · 03/02/2017 23:09

Maybe she thought all 2 year olds go to nusery and thought yours does not because maybe you can't afford the fees. So was just letting you know about the free hours for 2 year olds.

TinselTwins · 03/02/2017 23:10

So let me get this right? you don't get the free childcare for 2yos but are offended on behalf of those of us that do?

Please don't! Your indignance on our behalf is actually insulting

I would not be offended by this question and I do qualify!

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:14

I'm sorry if I've offended you tinsel. I should probably just shut up now. But I do think it's rude to ask questions that can used as a proxy for 'how much do you earn?'

OP posts:
Astoria7974 · 03/02/2017 23:18

It is ridiculously low IF you're a couple - 2 people earning less than 16k would get benefits, they wouldn't be working full time, and they'd probably wouldn't even need the free childcare as much as a full time working single mum earning 17k.

The limit should be higher for single parents.

Llanali · 03/02/2017 23:19

In theory yes that might be rude, but I don't think that remotely applies here.

I'd liken it to when you get a new car- - Ford Focus. Then all you see is Ford Focus cars everywhere..... you have issues around financial status and thus assume everyone else is also interested in it/cares.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2017 23:19

And as a PP said, wearing/having expensive stuff doesn't mean you're not 'poor'.

I live in one of London's most deprived boroughs and tons of parents have Bugaboos and dress themselves and their kids in designer labels.

So I would never make any kind of assumption based on that sort of thing.

Actually come to think of it now, some of the most wealthiest people I know don't go in for that sort of 'showy' stuff, possibly because they don't feel they have anything to prove.

You've admitted the issue is yours OP. I'm not sure what you can do about it, but I hope you don't end up passing it on to your DC.

StillMaidOfStars · 03/02/2017 23:22

Disclaimer: no children

What? Like, what? This is a conversation that you have time to think about and from which to draw unflattering conclusions? Maybe I'm thick skinned but....what?

RobinBankz · 03/02/2017 23:23

I think you would be happier if you could care less about what people think of you tbh. She obviously did think you were 'poor' enough, or else she wouldn't have asked that, but so what. You don't need to prove yourself to anybody.

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:27

I live in one of London's most deprived boroughs and tons of parents have Bugaboos and dress themselves and their kids in designer labels.

I know what you mean but I do not look like one of those people. I buy good quality non-showy clothes like Polarn o Pyret, not the likes of D&G.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:28

stillmaid I wish I was more like you! I know this is a ridiculous thing to care about.

OP posts:
fruitbats · 03/02/2017 23:29

Well if you've got a bugaboo! I have no idea what that actually is, although I would guess at a pushchair? I am a GM and would have no idea who qualifies for free nursery hours. I think you're reading too much into it.

user1484226561 · 03/02/2017 23:29

I disagree. Poverty is really stigmatised in the UK and people on benefits are constantly vilified in the press and on TV. Maybe that's why I was so offended.

YOU think poverty is Something to be ashamed of, many people don't. I was certainly always proud of it.

RebelRogue · 03/02/2017 23:30

"Like one of those people" , "the likes of D&G". Tbh you sound fairly judgemental and superficial yourself.

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:31

fruitbats it's a pushchair. Someone suggested I had a cheap pushchair and that's why she assumed I was poor, that's why I said that.

OP posts:
Lapinlapin · 03/02/2017 23:32

I have to say I agree with you op. It was rude. I don't go round asking people how they fund things. I don't agree that it's normal conversation.

If someone has a new car, I don't know (unless they tell me!) if they've funded it by purchasing it outright, taking out a loan or buying it via a leasing scheme. Because surely it's a bit rude to ask unless they tell you?

I don't ask people I know well whether they get child benefit or child tax credit or nothing. Because it's tantamount to interrogating them on their earnings, and I also thought you shouldn't ask how much someone earns!

The general preschool funding for 3 year olds -the free 15 hours- is different, as everyone gets that. So that conversation is normal. But as most 2 year olds are NOT funded, it does seem rude to ask someone.

fruitbats · 03/02/2017 23:32

Polarn o Pyret. Is this a foreign language? I don't know what that is either. Is this a stealth boast thread?

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2017 23:32

I know what you mean but I do not look like one of those people. I buy good quality non-showy clothes like Polarn o Pyret, not the likes of D&G.

You don't look like 'one of those people'? Hmm

What, one of those 'poor people'?

I think you need to get over yourself OP. Seriously, try to do it before your child ends up with the same attitude as yours.

Sweets101 · 03/02/2017 23:34

I'm a single parent of 4, i've been asked that question more times than I can count. I always presumed they were just... asking, really. Either chit chat, nosey or trying to be helpful.

Astoria7974 · 03/02/2017 23:34

What do you define as a 'deprived area' in London? Most areas of the capital have a mix of poor and middle class now - so it's likely the people you see are richer than you think.

I do agree that when you're poor sometimes it's easy to lose sight of money management in favour of the nicer things in life. When you only get £40/wk saving regularly becomes pointless - after bills you might only be able to save 5-10 pw. So better to spend that 40 quid a month on a designer t-shirt etc.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/02/2017 23:35

not the likes of D&G you sound like a snob.