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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was she actually asking me whether or not I am 'poor'?

203 replies

PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 22:25

I was at playgroup today and started making small talk with a woman I've never spoken to before. We started talking about schools and childcare and she said her children are in private school. I told her my DD is only 2, and not even in nursery yet, as I'm still at home, so I haven't thought much about schools. (I won't be going private, but I didn't tell her that.)

She then went on to ask if DD didn't qualify for free nursery as a 2-yr old? I assumed that she was a bit ignorant of the scheme, which offers free childcare to 'disadvantaged' children (that's the 'official line', not my words) in order to prevent them from falling behind academically when they start school. I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who does qualify (in fact I should imagine they would find the question rude also). But effectively she was asking me whether or not I am poor, wasn't she?

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:35

user1484226561

Well, my parents definitely weren't proud of being poor, they were quite paranoid about being judged and looked down upon.

OP posts:
VocalDuck · 03/02/2017 23:35

I think that you are probably a little sensitive towards any suggestion that you might be poor. Being poor is also subjective. Perhaps to someone with a lot of money, average earners are poor; whereas perhaps to someone on benefits, homeless people are poor.

It is easy to make assumptions that aren't right. I remember happily chatting to a mum at a playgroup on many occasions and she would tell me all about the clothes she had bought her DD through online second hand groups. Then one day she invited me round for a coffee and I was most surprised as I drove up the lengthy private drive to her multi million pound mansion.

fruitbats · 03/02/2017 23:35

Thank you Prims. I have been very poor. Luckily my circumstances have changed over the years. I think maybe you are taking it too personally. Let it go. It's not all about expensive brands

Sweets101 · 03/02/2017 23:35

Polarn o Pyret they sell it in John Lewis obviously it's OK but not really worth it's price tag usually.

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:36

So I'm a snob because I think D&G is a showy, overpriced brand that people buy when they want to look rich but aren't?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 03/02/2017 23:37

Actually come to think of it now, some of the most wealthiest people I know don't go in for that sort of 'showy' stuff, possibly because they don't feel they have anything to prove.

I've also observed this to be true. Kids dressed up to the nines in pristine designer stuff usually seem to be from benefits claiming families. No judgement, just an interesting observation.

I know someone who worked as a waiter in a Michelin starred "destination " restaurant. He said ordinary folk coming for a rare treat used to turn up super smart/glam. The really posh people would turn up in jeans and scruffy barbours, driving ancient volvos with dog blankets on the back seat (and then leave massive tips!)

Sorry, a bit remote from toddler groups!

Sweets101 · 03/02/2017 23:37

You mean old school Polarn?

Astoria7974 · 03/02/2017 23:37

Bugaboos are so unwieldy they are often found almost-new in charity shops. Sister got hers for £40 - it was boxed and even had 2 months left on it's warranty!

foxyloxy78 · 03/02/2017 23:37

Inferiority complex I think. Should probably talk to.someone about that otherwise like OP have suggested, you may pass on to your child. Be happy with your lot and just get on with life without sweating the small stuff.

fruitbats · 03/02/2017 23:38

Thank you Sweets. Every day is a school day Grin

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2017 23:39

What do you define as a 'deprived area' in London? Most areas of the capital have a mix of poor and middle class now - so it's likely the people you see are richer than you think.

I don't need to define it. It's officially one of London's poorest boroughs.

Very high unemployment, child poverty, drug and alcohol addiction, crime, rocketing obesity, domestic violence etc...

Those statistics are all there, so not much thinking to be done.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/02/2017 23:40

You come across as a snob because your dc wear the correct designer clothing not the " showy brand" that poor mums dress their dc in.

MargaretCavendish · 03/02/2017 23:42

I have no idea why people are telling you that you are being over sensitive or misinterpreting a normal conversation, OP. It was OK until she mentioned the low threshold: at that point I agree she was implying you must be just over it, and possibly fishing for info on how close you were. I can't see how you can interpret it differently. Yes, she was very rude.

Screwinthetuna · 03/02/2017 23:42

No, I very much doubt she was asking if you were 'poor.' It's normal conversation, I've been asked that many times myself

RebelRogue · 03/02/2017 23:43

Well, my parents definitely weren't proud of being poor, they were quite paranoid about being judged and looked down upon.

And you seem to have the same issue. Maybe you should tackle that before history repeats itself with your DD.

Sweets101 · 03/02/2017 23:43

Happy to help fruits Wink

user1484226561 · 03/02/2017 23:43

Well, my parents definitely weren't proud of being poor, they were quite paranoid about being judged and looked down upon.

well, THAT was their problem then, wasn't it, not their financial status

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:45

Inferiority complex I think. Should probably talk to.someone about that otherwise like OP have suggested, you may pass on to your child.

My goal is for her to never have to worry about money. DH and I have worked hard to get to where we are now, but whenever something like this happens I feel like I'm being reminded of who I am.

OP posts:
Clankboing · 03/02/2017 23:48

I think she was actually saying 'not many people qualify for it'. So in others, she was not surprised that you didn't.

TinselTwins · 03/02/2017 23:49

I'm sorry if I've offended you tinsel. I should probably just shut up now. But I do think it's rude to ask questions that can used as a proxy for 'how much do you earn?'

No, it's really not, it's normal conversation, same ball park as:

  • "have you applied for a school yet" isn't asking "can you afford private school or not" - it's making conversation because they're freaking out that they haven't chosen yet and everyone else seems sorted
  • "I love her little coat, where did you get it?" isn't "how much did it cost" - it's just making conversation, they don't care where you got the coat, they just haven't spoken to another adult in 2 days
  • "do you live nearby?" isn't asking "do you have a posh/deprived postcode?" it's just making conversation.. and not being able to think of anything more interesting!

are you always such hard work?

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:49

you come across as a snob because your dc wear the correct designer clothing not the " showy brand" that poor mums dress their dc in.

Maybe. But that was in reply to someone who says that I was probably judged on my clothes. I replied that my DD always wears nice clothes, but it was pointed out that many people in very deprived areas dress their kids in designer clothes. I then tried that I didn't mean the kind of showy clothes that are designed to advertise the brand.

But yeah, I have already admitted that I have a hang-up about this! So shoot me.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 03/02/2017 23:50

but whenever something like this happens I feel like I'm being reminded of who I am.

Hyacinth Bucket?

Astoria7974 · 03/02/2017 23:52

Projecting on her because you're ashamed of where you came from is wrong. I came from a very deprived background & my family didn't even qualify for benefits so I was working illegally in a warehouse every evening from the age of 12 - I'm a Financial analyst now. But my history is what made me and I own that shit. You should too.

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 23:53

It was OK until she mentioned the low threshold: at that point I agree she was implying you must be just over it, and possibly fishing for info on how close you were. I can't see how you can interpret it differently. Yes, she was very rude.

That was exactly how I interpreted it as well. Thanks.

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 03/02/2017 23:54

But my history is what made me and I own that shit. You should too.
^^ This!