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AIBU?

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Original poster

or was she actually asking me whether or not I am 'poor'?

203 replies

PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 22:25

I was at playgroup today and started making small talk with a woman I've never spoken to before. We started talking about schools and childcare and she said her children are in private school. I told her my DD is only 2, and not even in nursery yet, as I'm still at home, so I haven't thought much about schools. (I won't be going private, but I didn't tell her that.)

She then went on to ask if DD didn't qualify for free nursery as a 2-yr old? I assumed that she was a bit ignorant of the scheme, which offers free childcare to 'disadvantaged' children (that's the 'official line', not my words) in order to prevent them from falling behind academically when they start school. I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who does qualify (in fact I should imagine they would find the question rude also). But effectively she was asking me whether or not I am poor, wasn't she?

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:22

Oh I forgot? she's not on of those ordinary mums with normal motivations for trying to make conversation/small talk at playgroup, because she privately educates don't'cha'know

I wrote that because if she hadn't said that, I would have thought maybe she was getting the free provision herself, and was just asking if I did too.

But apparently lots of people on benefits now send their kids to private school, according to people in this thread.

I'm not British so I don't really know how much private school costs but I thought it was pretty expensive.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:24

OP I work with someone who sends his kids to private school, his wife is in the same field so I know more or less what she earns

They earn more than me but not beyond what I could achieve if I could be bothered to go full time and take some extra responsibility and go for promotion.

They live frickin MILES out to have a cheap (small) house and cut back on so much.
I live somewhere nicer. We're not massively different "types" or class

Clankboing · 04/02/2017 00:25

You can get 15 hours of childcare in a private school nursery completely free - she may not pay herself!!

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:27

It is expensive
Nobody said you can afford it if you're on benefits.
I said that lots of ordinary not remarkably posh or rich people stretch themselves to afford private schools and that can make things so tight that not having universal childare hours for 2YO for them can be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Not everyone who private educates does so comfortably, and many can afford it for first child and then feel that they must make it work for subsequent kids...

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:29

You can get 15 hours of childcare in a private school nursery completely free - she may not pay herself!

Am I right in thinking that you can also use it in private reception up until their 5th birthday? (same as if you don't send them to school you can keep using your 15hrs with a preschool or childminder until 5), I'm pretty sure you can, the entitlement is still there until 5, so if you have a summer baby you could get a year free?

bluesbaby · 04/02/2017 00:30

I'm confused. It sounds like she was sympathising with you (and herself) for not qualifying? And you're earning above the threshold anyway which is why you don't qualify? What is there to be offended about by that?

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:30

tinsel

You can't afford it if you're on 16K. Can we agree on that, at least? Which is how I know she wasn't asking 'is your daughter getting free hours LIKE MINE IS?'

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:32

You can't afford it if you're on 16K. Can we agree on that, at least? Which is how I know she wasn't asking 'is your daughter getting free hours LIKE MINE IS?'

She was lamenting the fact that it wasn't more widely available.. which is much more likely motivated by her own struggle to pay childcare on top of school fees than it is about asking you about your social standing!

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:33

OK, so the consensus is that I am a ridiculous, class-anxious, paranoid Hyacinth Bucket type who spends too much money on DD's clothes and will end up passing on my snobby attitude to her. Thanks everyone, I'm going to bed now.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 04/02/2017 00:37

If a child was 3 and at private school nursery for only 15 hours a week, it would be free so someone on less than £16k could afford it, unless there were extras they had to pay for.

The private school nursery we used had free after school club, so meant we got 2 extra hours free a day, but we had to buy a uniform. But it still worked out cheaper than the daycare nursery we had previously used.

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:44

Sometimes grandparents pay the school fees
Sometimes there are trusts in the children's names specifically covering education / school fees

OrangeJulius · 04/02/2017 00:49

Christ, some people on this thread are being ridiculous.

OP it sounds like she was being rude, but it is also possible she just said the wrong thing. I always get nervous when talking to new people, it's easy to put your foot in it.

HoneyDragon · 04/02/2017 00:57

You'll never really know where the poor woman was going with her question because you shut her down.

No point speculating now anyway. If your as impulsively decisive in your perceptions as you appear to be than you need to let it go. She's probably too terrified to talk to you again for fear of offending you.

HoneyDragon · 04/02/2017 00:58

You're

Can even blame autocorrect for that one Blush

misshelena · 04/02/2017 03:14

Yup OP, she thought you were poor. But I can't figure out why either. But try not to worry about it if you can. I know you said it's a vulnerable area for you. Just don't speak to her again. She is nobody.

JJbum · 04/02/2017 03:54

She was makíng small talk and general conversation

Atenco · 04/02/2017 04:02

The UK is rife with stigmas, but you don't have to subscribe to them.

derxa · 04/02/2017 04:39

You say you're not British therefore she couldn't place you socially because of your accent. She was trying to work out who you were.

Shannith · 04/02/2017 05:51

Ha ha ha. I'm not British. Cancel the cheque.

Scrumptiousbears · 04/02/2017 05:59

I don't think she was calling you poor. Loads of my friends have the 15 hours free. Personally I didn't realise the threshold was £16k a year. When you have a young child everywhere you go they mention the 15 free hours. I don't think it's a judge thing I think it's to get the word around.

I think the problem is more about how you see it then her.

I don't qualify for this at 2 years. I will do when my daughter is 3 and I'll certainly use it.

MumsGoneToIceland · 04/02/2017 06:29

I don't think she was implying you were poor - I think she was responding to you saying dd was too young for nursery and then trying to make you aware if you weren't that Some children can go to nursery at 2. Then when you said you didn't qualify, she was giving an opinion that she thought the threshold was low and that more 2 year olds should be offered it. That's how I read it anyway.

PlumsGalore · 04/02/2017 06:35

Haven to read all the comments, but you only just met her and she said her kids were in private then sugggested a nursery scheme for low incomes to you.

Yes she assumed you were poor. Cheeky witch, I would have been offended.

NeverTwerkNaked · 04/02/2017 06:49

i think people have been a bit unfair to you prims
I think it's fair to say that an assumption you were "poor" was implicit in her comments and questions

That said; I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of being poor. I don't see people as better/worse than others based on the size of their bank balance.

Robstersgirl · 04/02/2017 06:58

I don't think she was. I often get asked this too.

GreatScot8 · 04/02/2017 07:03

But why do you care?

Being so status-conscious can't be healthy, and it's certainly not something that's going to serve your daughter well as she gets older. If someone thinks you're poor, why do you really give a rats? I'm sure I "look poor" when I turn up at the supermarket in leggings, flip flops and no makeup. I'm not, but I don't care enough to make enough effort when buying bread and milk (like the plebs, eh?) to ensure that people - at all times - know that I am in fact richer than them, and therefore better than them.

You're reading something into her comment/question that wasn't there, but even if it was, you need to be able to rise above it and not give a shit. Being poor is not the pitiful thing you think it is.

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