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AIBU?

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Original poster

or was she actually asking me whether or not I am 'poor'?

203 replies

PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 22:25

I was at playgroup today and started making small talk with a woman I've never spoken to before. We started talking about schools and childcare and she said her children are in private school. I told her my DD is only 2, and not even in nursery yet, as I'm still at home, so I haven't thought much about schools. (I won't be going private, but I didn't tell her that.)

She then went on to ask if DD didn't qualify for free nursery as a 2-yr old? I assumed that she was a bit ignorant of the scheme, which offers free childcare to 'disadvantaged' children (that's the 'official line', not my words) in order to prevent them from falling behind academically when they start school. I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who does qualify (in fact I should imagine they would find the question rude also). But effectively she was asking me whether or not I am poor, wasn't she?

OP posts:
Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 19:15

It is often the case that the people who are best with money have the hand me down baby stuff and good value clothes.

If you are result comfortable in your wealth and your own skin you don't need to flaunt it.

Perhaps she is not as well off as you think. Why did she tell you about the private school? Is it the same reason you had to have a bugaboo?

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 19:17

Reasonably*

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 05/02/2017 19:29

You know, there are worse things than not going through life "wanting for nothing". Being in want of stuff you don't need when you're a kid, is not a terrible tragedy.

That's not actually what I wrote. I wrote that I don't want DD to have to worry about money. I don't want her to hear me and DH argue about money and be stressed about our home or about important things breaking and not being able to replace them. That's how I grew up, and I also sometimes wore my mum's old clothes, which I didn't think twice about, until it was pointed out at school that I looked rubbish. (We don't wear school uniform where I come from.)

So, that's what I meant. Not that I want her to have every trinket and status symbol she asks for. Not at all. I just want her to be as worry free as possible. But I can see how what I wrote can easily be misinterpreted.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimsGoat · 05/02/2017 19:38

I just want to say thanks everyone for all your comments, both the ones who agreed with me and those who didn't. I do realise that I'm very lucky in many ways and that if someone wants to put me down to make herself feel better (if that's indeed what she was doing), she's not worth worrying about.

I don't enjoy being like this but it's how I was brought up and I'm not sure how to think differently. It's a bit like that expression 'you cannot be what you cannot see'. I didn't have role models with healthy self esteem growing up. I won't go into details. But I'm trying to be more like DH. Smile

OP posts:
Trills · 05/02/2017 19:40

I totally get the not worrying about money being different from having everything you ask for.

clarabellb · 05/02/2017 19:47

OP if she made you feel like a lesser person then that's not okay. Whether she meant to or not nobody can really answer. She doesn't matter to you so neither should her opinion Smile

laurzj82 · 05/02/2017 19:50

I think you're reading too much into it tbh.

LoopiusMaximus · 05/02/2017 20:09

You have a bugaboo and put your daughter in branded clothing Confused

So what?! Does that make you better than someone who sports lesser brands?

I'm honestly intrigued.

I've had a new Bugaboo due to the close age gap and I've had an old cranky Britax for practicality. It never once occurred to me that people would judge me on what brand i chose to transport my children in,

Bugaboo's are two a penny here, bout spesh. Branded clothing meh.

You're extremely sensitive, judgemental and superficial.

I wouldnt give a stuff what anyone thought of me. It's what's inside that counts. It's the immaterial things - health and happiness. You can't buy that but You'll learn that one day.

roundaboutthetown · 05/02/2017 20:12

OP - I suspect she was being nosey, trying to work out whether you were choosing to be a SAHM at the moment, or trapped at home for the time being, maybe until you can get a bit of free childcare. This may or may not have been for snobby reasons - might just have been so that she didn't subsequently put her foot in it in other ways that frequently offend people, like accidentally making a comment that might imply to someone with a thin skin that she disapproved of working mothers, or disapproved of SAHMs. Basically, some people are so touchy, it's impossible not to offend when you are just naturally nosey about other people's lives and motivations.

JackLottiesMum · 05/02/2017 20:18

I'm sorry I just think she was making conversation too. You might want to consider that you made a judgement call on her because her children are in private school - ie that she was 'rich' and therefore being judgemental on your finances. It's not unheard of for grandparents to pay for the private school fees of their grandchildren or, where couples have split, for one partner continuing to pay private school fees while the other is technically 'poor' in the eyes of the tax man.

roundaboutthetown · 05/02/2017 20:18

A sensitive person would probably have avoided talking about schools, whether they woh or sah, or politics, but life is really boring when you have to paranoid about what you say to everyone you meet. Grin

smallchanceofrain · 05/02/2017 20:34

Interesting thread. By the time I got to the comment about not looking like "one of those people" I was convinced it was a spoof OP. Seems it's not but from the perspective of someone who sees Bugaboo and "subtle" designer brands and thinks meh, it's been a good read.
I really don't give two hoots what people think about my social status or whether I have money. I wear what I like and my child wears clothes that are comfortable, colourful, appropriate for the weather and relatively clean.
I think the mum in question probably meant no offence and was making conversation or thought she was being helpful.
OP, I get why you have issues but if you don't relax and stop placing value on items that you perceive establish you as middle / upper-middle class then your own child might grow up with issues/anxieties that mirror yours.
Mine (I freely admit, being the child of a slattern) will grow up thinking it's acceptable to wear trousers you have removed pasta sauce from using a tissue and a bit of spit!

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 05/02/2017 20:57

You have a bugaboo and put your daughter in branded clothing

So what?! Does that make you better than someone who sports lesser brands?

Someone suggested that the woman might have been judging my clothes and pushchair. I just responded to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimsGoat · 05/02/2017 20:59

I'm leaving this thread now because it seems to be pissing a lot of people off that anyone could be as ridiculously shallow and insecure as I am, and it's making me feel a bit crap reading your judgements. We all have our insecurities in life and this is mine. I'd love to not give a shit what anyone else thinks but frankly I have no idea how that would feel and I probably never will.

OP posts:
Potterymum · 05/02/2017 22:04

Not really answering the question but we don't earn £16,000 between us and we don't consider ourselves poor. We can pay for our housing and food and keep a car. No holiday or gym membership or things we would term luxury but still wouldn't say poor.

UnicornsAreReal666 · 05/02/2017 22:05

FATE Agreed Smile it is a common conversation in our nursery too, my 2 eldest daughters both qualified for free 2year places, I never felt embarrassed or looked down upon, my children are not vulnerable they're well looked after, always appropriately dressed and loved very much, In fact I was glad of the few spare hours a week (not that I knew what to do with them).

Dont take it so seriously OP i believe she may have just been striking up conversation, as it was a playgroup and mums also have the advantage of making new friends there (bar the cliques), though I do agree it seems a personal question for a stranger, maybe she was just trying to be friendly unless yes as another has pointed out she may just be a nosy ~bitch~ person Blush.

UnicornsAreReal666 · 05/02/2017 22:06

Strikethrough never works for me Hmm

AwaywiththePixies27 · 06/02/2017 00:17

That's not actually what I wrote. I wrote that I don't want DD to have to worry about money.

Completely understand you PrimsGoat. It is both my DCs birthdays this month. DSs isn't until the end of the month. DD spent her last £2 pocket money today to buy him a birthday present. Because she wanted to do so whilst she knew she'd have the money to. She's 10. My DS keeps saying when hes older hes going to buy me a car. With his savings from his trust fund. He's 8 at the end of the month.

They're that young and already worrying when I want them to enjoy their childhood. Ive not sat them down with spreadsheets and told them mummy has x to split for a b and c this week. They've just seen what I've had to do and are already aware. They've seen me say I'm not hungry and sit down with a cuppa when there wasn't enough food for all of us so I just fed them.

Children are quite intuitive and not given enough credit and your DD will know anyway OP. You can't help with how you were brought up but you can help change it with your DD. Install in her so much self confidence and love for herself that she thinks anything is possible. She might be the one sending her DC to private school OP but she's also the one probably scraping the last bit of butter on the last scrap of toast in the morning to be able to afford the fees. It's not always as rosy as it may appear on the other side where that green grass is you know.

BabySnores · 06/02/2017 12:17

think it sounds to me as if she was saying not many people qualify (including you) as the threshold is so low. She

Agreeing with this, I don't think she was implying you were poor but that the threshold was lower then she expected. but if you meet her again op then you'll likely know that for sure. People who like to be competitive just can't help digging.

wheresthewine36 · 06/02/2017 14:24

SparklyLeprechaun.
I'm relatively poor. My shoes aren't scuffed.
My employer is a millionaire and his shoes are held together with tape...appearences can be deceiving Grin

Boiing · 06/02/2017 14:49

Haven't read the whole thread (looks exhausting) but just wanted to comment that when my son was under 3 I had horrendous sleep deprivation (he was not a good sleeper) and when I was trying to make new friends at playgroups I would find myself saying the most random unconnected nonsense then cringing about it a moment later. I definitely sometimes came across as a bit odd! Perhaps she was just tired...

icanteven · 06/02/2017 15:07

People seem to be deliberately going out of their way to misread the OP here and give her a hard time.

LoopiusMaximus (and the other people on this thread being wilfully dim) SHE WAS ASKED. She was asked on this thread, if her child's pram and clothes implied either poverty or over-compensation with flash brands.

There is nothing weird about being a bit thrown when you "fit in", visually and all the rest, and a peer says "Oh, are you massively poor, then?". There's nothing wrong with being older either, but if you're 30 (and look it) and someone asks when the big 50 is, you'd be taken aback. It's about worrying that you have got it completely wrong, and are not presenting the image you thought you were at all. Compounded for the OP by the fact that she has worked hard to get out of poverty, even with a "tis far from education you were raised" mother doing her best to grind her down (OP - my grandmother was the same when my father became the first person in the family to go to uni - "Do ye think yer BETTER than us now? Who do you think you are?" etc.).

Evidently there are people on this thread who go through life serenely unaware of the social anxieties and hierarchies that most of us encounter day by day, and are too zen even to notice if they're poor themselves, never mind anybody else and their bugaboo. Must be lovely.

CaraAspen · 06/02/2017 15:29

What sort of branded clothing? Do you mean Boden, OP? As others have said, people who are confident in themselves don't need to display ostentatiously.

TinselTwins · 06/02/2017 15:34

Evidently there are people on this thread who go through life serenely unaware of the social anxieties and hierarchies that most of us encounter day by day, and are too zen even to notice if they're poor themselves, never mind anybody else and their bugaboo. Must be lovely.

What a load of crap! Most people suffer a degree of social anxiety and walk away from new social situations (like a new playgroup) playing over in their heads what a tit they must have sounded.. then try to convince themselves that nobody thinks that hard about other peoples small talk…

.. which is probably why so many people were so disappointed to hear what the OP thought about the other woman's (fairly normal/average) attempt at small talk at playgroup

CaraAspen · 06/02/2017 15:35

"RebelRogue

"Like one of those people" , "the likes of D&G". Tbh you sound fairly judgemental and superficial yourself."

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