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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was she actually asking me whether or not I am 'poor'?

203 replies

PrimsGoat · 03/02/2017 22:25

I was at playgroup today and started making small talk with a woman I've never spoken to before. We started talking about schools and childcare and she said her children are in private school. I told her my DD is only 2, and not even in nursery yet, as I'm still at home, so I haven't thought much about schools. (I won't be going private, but I didn't tell her that.)

She then went on to ask if DD didn't qualify for free nursery as a 2-yr old? I assumed that she was a bit ignorant of the scheme, which offers free childcare to 'disadvantaged' children (that's the 'official line', not my words) in order to prevent them from falling behind academically when they start school. I told her that DD doesn't qualify, and she replied 'the threshold is so ridiculously low', so clearly knowing that the threshold household income is around £16K / year.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone who does qualify (in fact I should imagine they would find the question rude also). But effectively she was asking me whether or not I am poor, wasn't she?

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 03/02/2017 23:56

There's no reason to presume she knows what the threshold is though? She might think it's more than your family earns, she might think it's less. You don't know she ment anything by it at all so why beat yourself up imagining she did?

TinselTwins · 03/02/2017 23:56

you don't think she was maybe saying "isn't it a shame it's not more widely available?"
Maybe she's going to really struggle herself without it. She is more likely to have been talking about herself and her own points of references than thinking deeply about you!

flowersandfoxes · 03/02/2017 23:56

Meh. If she doesn't know you why would she know how much you earnt? Frankly why would she care?

user1483300717 · 03/02/2017 23:59

Or Sally Webster (corrie)

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:01

There's no reason to presume she knows what the threshold is though?

She said 'it's really low'. Why would she say that if she didn't know what it was?

OP posts:
hiimmumma · 04/02/2017 00:02

I agree with OP TBH. Would irritate me too.
Sounds to me like was fishing for a chance to verify how much better off she thought she was than you.

Whilst also assuming anyone who's kids aren't in private school / nursery must be below the breadline.

Also I love Polarn too

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:02

Maybe she's going to really struggle herself without it.

I don't think someone who chooses to educate their children privately would have this problem.

OP posts:
fruitbats · 04/02/2017 00:03

My past defines who I am today. I am not ashamed of that.

user1483300717 · 04/02/2017 00:03

I wouldn't worry about it sal.

UnbornMortificado · 04/02/2017 00:04

I qualify because I'm poor. You really wouldn't know by looking at my DD's, I tend to find a lot of parents on similar wages to me (I'm a part-time carer and DH is off sick) dress there DC really well too.

Sorry you got upset though.

fruitbats · 04/02/2017 00:06

In fact someone once said to me, 'who'd have thought you would ever be where you are today'

Yeah. Who'd have thought. Twat. Confused

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:06

I don't think someone who chooses to educate their children privately would have this problem

Oh god totally something HB would say Grin

OP some people stretch themselves to the limit to privately educate their children!

I know some people who are in fairly averageish who have made huge sacrifices to pay school fees

You basically say her and in HB style thought "my people", then she asked you about childcare hours and you are offended incase she thinks you're "not her people"

You are making far more judgements about her than she likely did about you!

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:07

Or Sally Webster (corrie)

Who is that? Are you calling me names now? This thread seems to have pissed off a lot of people. I have already admitted that I have issues around being looked down on, but I don't think I have said anything nasty. I was genuinely wondering what this woman's motivation might be and it seems like at least a few people agreed that she seemed to be fishing for information.

Maybe it's a London thing. People are pretty status-obsessed here. Maybe some of you have never come across this kind of behaviour.

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 04/02/2017 00:08

"Really low" to some is surprisingly high to others. You don't know her starting point to know, otherwise than she can afford private education which suggests hers is on the high side.

flowersandfoxes · 04/02/2017 00:08

Sally Webster has delusions of grandeur.

buckeejit · 04/02/2017 00:09

Maybe she didn't think or had different boundaries. I'm from Northern Ireland & when I moved to England and first met my big boss at a new job at drinks out the first thing he said to me was, 'so,are you Catholic or Protestant then?' I was agog! You wouldn't ask that in Northern Ireland, at least not until you knew someone well. He was a multi millionaire & devoid of filter. He didn't care one way or the other, was just making conversation.

If you don't want your dc to end up wanting Id suggest not buying POP & the like clothes. Sainsburys & Asda are just as good quality for a fraction of the price. My dc have a lot of designer hand me downs from friends. Everything else is charity shop or supermarket. I hardly spend any money on clothes. My point being nobody else cares about this anywhere near as much as you.

It's unlikely she meant to be unkind, but possible-I would put this incident to the side & judge her on the rest of her interactions.

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:10

OP some people stretch themselves to the limit to privately educate their children!

So much so that they struggle to pay for their younger children's nursery, and start to wish they'd qualify for free hours? That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:13

I was genuinely wondering what this woman's motivation might be
Well lets see…. she was at a playgroup so MAYBE just maybe she was tired like the rest of us and wanted to have the kid entertained without having to do it by herself like the rest of us and thought it might be nice to speak to some full sized adults like the rest of us…… no????
Oh I forgot? she's not on of those ordinary mums with normal motivations for trying to make conversation/small talk at playgroup, because she privately educates don't'cha'know

Re London, bollocks! you must just be gravitating to social climbing types if that's what you think of "London people". There's all kinds of people in London.

Sweets101 · 04/02/2017 00:14

I honestly think you're overthinking it OP. If she's at a play group chances are she's looking to make friends, not make you feel small.

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 00:15

So much so that they struggle to pay for their younger children's nursery, and start to wish they'd qualify for free hours? That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

No, it's quite common

You've clearly put people who privately educate up on a pedestal, I fear you may be sorely disappointed by the "types" in your DDs class if you managed to stretch to private school yourself!

Obviously properly poor people can't afford it even if they cut back on everything else, but I know some very very ordinary people who have found a way to make it work but with difficulty!

Original poster
PrimsGoat · 04/02/2017 00:16

If you don't want your dc to end up wanting Id suggest not buying POP & the like clothes.

But I'm not struggling. She thought I was, for some reason. But it wasn't the clothes.

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 04/02/2017 00:17

You're massively overthinking it because of your insecurities. You don't know anything about her or her background either. Don't stress, life's too short.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/02/2017 00:18

My DS went to a pre-school attached to a private school when he was 3 and we got reduced fees because of the free 15 hours (he was there longer than 15 hours a week as needed it for childcare). We sent him there not because it was a private school but because it was cheaper than the nursery he was previously at. Once DS went to school he went to a state primary. Many of the parents of the children in DS's class did the same thing.

So not all people who use private schools are rich.

SparklyLeprechaun · 04/02/2017 00:20

OP, just to put the records straight because the thread derailed due to a throwaway comment I made. I wasn't suggesting that an expensive buggy or clothes are a sign of wealth, or that you dress like a slob - just that for whatever inconsequential reason she probably decided you are not well off. That could be anything that matches her idea of what a "poor" person looks like.

On the first day of dd's school another mother expressed astonishment that DD is going to afterschool club, because that is for working parents. No idea why she thought I wasn't working, I didn't know her from Adam. I probably wasn't giving out the working mum vibes.

People make judgements, sometimes they are right, sometimes they are wrong. It really doesn't matter, don't worry about it. It would have been different if she turned her nose up at you, but she didn't, she was just making conversation.

Clankboing · 04/02/2017 00:22

I really think it sounds to me as if she was saying not many people qualify (including you) as the threshold is so low. She was grumbling. Don't fret woman! - one cannot see poorness in a person, and worrying about being poor is really daft. There are far worse things to worry about - just thank God that worse things are not on your mind!!

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