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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

180 replies

WorkerBee926 · 02/02/2017 06:34

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

OP posts:

LeBoob · 02/02/2017 06:36

Not ideal but you could have the baby & he could take the paternity leave instead? Not a choice I would want to make but an option. Hope it works out OP

OhTheRoses · 02/02/2017 06:37

Can your partner be a sahd? Women only earn less when they can't give a 100%+ commitment

CripsSandwiches · 02/02/2017 06:37

Is he lazy or just not particularly money/career driven? Would he love to be a stay at home dad? If he was would he pull his weight with the housework etc? or do the minimum he could get away with?

Cherryskypie · 02/02/2017 06:38

Why does he only work for 2 or 3 days a week?

LindyHemming · 02/02/2017 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wettunwindee · 02/02/2017 06:41

This isn't to do with your earnings but to do with your husband working part time (2-3 days).

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

That depends if they return to work full time and how long they take off to have their children. The wage gap is a myth. You sound like you're doing well in your career. You should be proud.

Is there any reason that your DH couldn't become a SAHP?

What is the reason he isn't working more? Is he unable to drum up business either through lack of business acumen or lack of demand? Is he lazy?

Many can't. You need to be in a fairly fortunate situation to allow you to have extended maternity leave with your DH's job supporting all 3 of you.

There are too many questions. It may be he's a lazy arse. It may be an unfortunate situation. It may be anywhere in between.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 02/02/2017 06:53

I wouldn't want to have a baby with him, no. Why are you paying all the bills at the moment? Why isn't he maximising his income/ seeking other work?

Googlebabe · 02/02/2017 06:59

He is lazy and that will not change. It will probably get worse with kids. Time to revaluate the relationship. Well done you for thinking about it before actually creating the kids.

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 07:01

The wage gap is a myth

No it isn't.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 02/02/2017 07:04

I agree with googlebabe that this is about more than just money, it's about his general attitude being selfish and unsupportive.

Speaking from experience with my now exH, you need to examine whether he is fully invested in your partnership or just enjoying being supported by you, because throwing children into the mix will amplify whatever is there now.

PlumsGalore · 02/02/2017 07:06

He doesn't have any incentive to earn more if you pay 90% of the bills.

theaveragewife · 02/02/2017 07:06

The wage gap is a myth

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 02/02/2017 07:10

I guess as he's self employed your OH can't take paternity leave. Would/could he be a stay at home dad?

Original poster

WorkerBee926 · 02/02/2017 07:10

I'm not sure he would want to be a SAHP, and from a really selfish point of view, I'm not sure that I would want him to be. I think if he was then any kid would end up growing up parked in front of the TV, although parenthood may change him?? Hoping it will provide a kick up the bum to "provide for his family" !?

He thinks he works really hard (the other day he told me he'd worked really hard on a job for two days so needed the next day off to recover?!?!) But the last 12 clients he's had I've arranged for him. He thinks his business is going really well.

We could make it work, if I was to become pregnant. I could take the 3 months full paid maternity leave I can have and then return to work full time and he could have baby on the days he doesn't work and I know our families would help out, but I don't want to grow to resent him over time because I'll end up working full time and then coming home to have baby so he can relax and doing all the housework (he really doesn't understand housework at all)

OP posts:

lilybetsy · 02/02/2017 07:10

Honestly, you can do a LOT better. I would ditch and finds one one who shares your work ethic. This will not improve, and it will blight your whole life ....

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/02/2017 07:10

I wouldn't want to start a family in this situation, no. Unless I was happy to work full time and him be the stay at home parent (and of course then if you split he would probably get more than 50% of time with the child/ren)

Different if he was

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 07:12

If he's your other half and not your DH, what has stopped you from getting married? Is he kind of a half-arsed sort of guy? Kind of lazy? Is it that he hasn't got round to proposing?

(that may be a massive assumption of course)

If he's really that laid-back lazy then you really don't want to have kids with him. You need someone that works alongside you to keep everything going. It's a constant struggle to keep up everything when you have a family and you really need both of you to be at the pump.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/02/2017 07:12

I think if you go ahead with this, in 2 or 3 years time you are going to be worn out and deeply resentful.
He is not going to step up. You will be a single parent.

QueenLaBeefah · 02/02/2017 07:13

Don't have a baby with someone who "doesn't understand housework". You're just setting yourself up for 18yrs of resentment.

Radyward · 02/02/2017 07:15

He definately has his cake and eating it. Sorry he sounds like a freeloader. .o couldn't put up with that work ethic. Do not have a baby with him as the pressure on you will increase ymen fold then comrs resentment etc. Is it time to call time ??

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 07:15

I don't want to grow to resent him over time because I'll end up working full time and then coming home to have baby so he can relax and doing all the housework

You will resent him from DAY 1 of bringing that baby home. Laziness is infuriating when there is a lot to do and only one person is doing them all.

donajimena · 02/02/2017 07:15

So he works part time. You own your home.
Say you got married, had a baby he became an SAHD... the relationship breaks down. As the main carer he might be entitled to the home you have worked hard and paid for. Or you would have to buy him out.
I'm the first one to tell women that they should get married before having a baby if they aren't a homeowner because it leaves them vulnerable so it should be applied to both sexes. But in these cases they are usually hard working. Your OH isn't.
Don't have a baby with this man

SleepFreeZone · 02/02/2017 07:16

As Judge Judy would say - you picked him!

PovertyPain · 02/02/2017 07:16

Does he do the main bulk of the housework, op?
When you say he works three days a week, are they very long days or a typical day? What does he spend his wages on?
What's his attitude to money and the fact that he earns less?
I don't want to condem your relationship without knowing more about him. Also, have you spoke to him about your concerns and what was his answer?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 02/02/2017 07:17

Thinking having a baby will change a man and make him more responsible is a one way ticket to a life of misery. He is lazy and irresponsible now. You cope with him because you have all the responsibility. On maternity leave you wont be able to do that. It will be down ro Him and he is lazy and irresponsible. It will break you. Dont do it

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