AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

[WorkerBee926]

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

An important point.
You don't ask him to help you with your housework.
You ask /tell him to share it.

How can you not understand housework? It's not quantum physics in serbocroat

Oh dear. He's not father material.

@CatAmongPigeons

So, some women stay at home to bring up children whilst men go to work to earn money to support this home. This much you seem to agree with and have posted proof of.

You then allude to this being unfair. This is not a wage gap, this is a different choice. Women are more likely to take paternity leave as opposed to men taking paternity leave. This may be due getting over child birth (stiches etc), the late nights if they breast feed etc. All the things mentioned on the transbashing threads that are used to differentiate men and women.

Do you really and truly believe that companies should have to pay a woman who has take time off the same as someone who has been working whilst she took leave?

Men work more hours both on a weekly basis and over the course of their working lives. If women chose to work fewer hours then they will earn less.

"this premium almost disappears if the wife also works 40 hours per week in the labour market."

So you're saying men and women are paid the same if they work the same.

The difference is pay do "not account for differences in occupations, positions, education, job tenure or hours worked per week.".

ie. it's all bull shit. If you want to be paid the same for less then you're an idiot. If you think women are paid less for the same then you're misinformed.

completely bottom the house. I haven't heard that expression donkey's years, Napqueen

OP. Your OH sounds terrible. He won't change, especially when he's whinging when you're the one enabling the work he's so shy of. Don't have a child with him. Especially don't marry him because then he'll get a shitload of your pension.

Please don't have children with this man. My friend was in a very similar position and ended up cutting short her maternity leave while her husband was a sahd. He did put their dc in front of the tv all day, gave her junk food etc and did no housework. Then he'd go out at night because he felt he'd worked hard all dal. My friend felt like a single parent with sub- standard childcare. It destroyed her mental health and their marriage.

Stay with him if you wish but don't drag children into the situation

He doesn't sound like a grown up at all. You'll have a man child to look after as well as children.

Find someone with your work ethic to have a family with or you'll be exhausted for the rest of your life. Whatever charm he has will wear off when your doing all the housework and the wage earning.

You are right to be concerned. If he gets so overwhelmed by work - and that's ok, people have different limits - then imaginehow overwhelmed he is going to feel by parenthood. Your set up can only really work if he carried on as the part timer and you continue to work full time, with him picking up most of the school runs, cooking tea and childcare during the week. Its unlikely he wants to do this or will cope, and unlikely that you want to do this. You will be very poor and very burnt out. I'm sorry. Agree that most problems like this get worse after having kids, not better.

Especially don't marry him because then he'll get a shitload of your pension

And this! And your house.

Hi OP...I have to say I am in agreement with just about everyone here.

Sounds like your hard work and income have enabled your OH to sit around...

This happened to a friend of mine. Intelligent, very hard working, bill paying, cooking, cleaning...running a home whilst OH worked from her home.

All was ok til baby came along. Relationship didn't last much longer than 6 months after baby was born. She eventually realised he wasn't pulling his weight at all so threw him out of her home. They have spent the best part of the last decade at each others throats or in mediation... only recently have the become friends again. He's offered no money, did no parenting til child was about 7/8 yrs old, no housework, no supermarket shop etc. My friend just carried on and got on with parenthood/work etc.

He was so bitter.

If he's not into parenting/ housework/ working etc now, then he never will be.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do.
(RUN)

So you're saying men and women are paid the same if they work the same

Er, no, wetandwindee if you read the whole paper: they're comparing married men with single men, not men with women.

There are other - many other - qualitative and quantitative studies that show, year after year, that men and women do not get paid the same for the same work, nor do they get paid the same for work of equal value.

The 'pink collar ghetto' of low paid work low paid because it's mostly women doing it, still exists.

I was adding in the further advantage that men with female partners have. The 'marriage premium.'

Why are you considering have a child with someone you don't think will make a very good father? Because it's clear you don't. WHy do that to a child?

You already have a child. A grown one, but a dependent child nonetheless. He's not suddenly going to change his entire personality because you fall pregnant.

It's very dangerous to believe you will be able to go back to work after 3 months. Fingers crossed you will. However, not all pregnancy and birth go smoothly, and without even anything dramatic happening, it might take longer to recover.

You are so right to want thing to change BEFORE having a baby.

OP- I'm going to be the voice of dissent because your set up reminds me so much of a friend of mine. The male is a wonderful wonderful man, kind, caring, generous and smart. I notice that he struggles to cope with little things and I don't know why but it's just him. If you can accept him for that (and any woman would be lucky to have my friend- we all have flaws!) then you can make it work, I'm
Sure

I don't regret my DS for a minute but I feel very sad that I had a child with a man I knew deep down wasn't good partner material. We split when my DS was less than a year and everything is ok, but when I see or read about good dads and good partners I see how much my poor choice has impacted on me and DS lives, permanently, in so so many ways.
Choosing who to have a baby with is arguably the most impactful decision a woman can make.

List all the things that niggle at you and ask yourself if you could cope with them turning into resentments. They will.

The 'pink collar ghetto' of low paid work low paid because it's mostly women doing it, still exists.

Yes, work a job which requires less commitment and fewer qualifications and you'll be paid less.

Do you think this is unfair?

I was adding in the further advantage that men with female partners have. The 'marriage premium.'

Yes, women at home support men who work. The same could be true for men except that 1. due to biological differences women are more likely to have the flexible jobs, work fewer hours and take more time off. 2. women look down on men who earn less than they do

These women who are supporting men are also supported by those men. There are many things it could be called. A partnership. Teamwork. Marriage.

There are other - many other - qualitative and quantitative studies that show, year after year, that men and women do not get paid the same for the same work, nor do they get paid the same for work of equal value.

No there aren't.

The pay gap is not supported by a single economist or publication worth their salt and very few that aren't.

On average, women earn less because of their choices. If they work as hard as a man and for as many hours and perform as well they will earn the same.

If you compare earnings of a woman who takes maternity leave and a an easier job and looks after children compared to a man in a job which demands a lot and pays accordingly then you, my dear, are a fruit loop.

You are looking at averages and ignoring choices. We don't live in a communist regime where every choice results in equal outcome.

OP I am the higher earner in our marriage and DH is the SAHD, so I say this with some experience, this does not sound like a man to have this relationship with.

On the pay gap, I wouldn't worry too much, I took two sets of 4 months leave and went back full time to no huge impact BUT if your partner doesn't pick up all the slack at home you will not be able to give 100% at work and working mums I know tend to suffer here in a way working men don't, and that does limit careers. I would think about finding someone more suited to a partnership.

'It's very dangerous to believe you will be able to go back to work after 3 months. Fingers crossed you will. However, not all pregnancy and birth go smoothly, and without even anything dramatic happening, it might take longer to recover. '

Dangerous? Many other countries do not have women taking a year long mat leave (it's often shared, too, with the other parent) and plenty of families cannot afford it so have to go back to work after three months.

OP, this person has checked out of life. If you didn't find him clients, he'd be doing nothing. Don't have a child with him.

I would not rely on the hope that he will step up when you have a baby, or that anything will change. I think if I was even going to consider having a child with him, I'd want to see him change his attitude first, both in relation to housework and paid work. You have the option now to walk away and find yourself an equal partner. It is worth considering, because at the moment I would envisage a miserable future if you have DC with this man.

the point isn't the lack of salary/difference in income

it's the difference in work ethic.

for you to continue to be a successful ft working mum you will need massive support at home. it doesn't sound like you will get it.

he is the sweetest, nicest person in the world and I know he would be a fun and loving Dad to any kids we have

Much of parenting is doing the housework, doing the appointments (dentist, clubs, playdates), doing the cooking, cleaning, washing, keeping the children clean and so on. That's what part of parenting is, running the household so the children are safe, well stimulated, clean and so on.

He can't do that bit. He can't do housework, indeed I expect he thinks it's your job, or is happy for you to pay someone else to do it. That work will increase exponentially when you have a child, so who is going to do it, if not him? What would be the point of having him as a SAHD if he does no housework at all (not even his 50%), and can't give the children a stimulating environment.

OP you have got together with a sweet guy who is going nowhere in life. Would he be so sweet though if you started treating him like an adult, insisted he do his share of the housework (50%) and the bills? My guess is that he would be moody and even aggressive if pushed to contribute equally. I've seen this before, these type of men are nice and sweet when left to do nothing and contribute little, but once asked to behave like adults, they are often resentful and not nice and sweet at all. When he has a child, will he have to have a day off every two days of parenting as it's all so tiring!

Only you know why you think this set up of you doing everything, paying for everything, except for a 10% contribution by him is enough.

It's not a good set up for having children, and if you do go ahead, then expect to continue the doing everything, paying everything scenario, except you will be tired and exhausted and he will be far less sweet when you ask him to step up to the plate.

expatinscotland

You misunderstand, and if you compare the maternity leave, you should also compare everything else: conditions of giving birth and recovery, medical follow-up, help with childcare, funds received for the fist 3 years, working hours, etc...

My point was that if you budget everything based on one person back after 3 months, what happens when you don't? What happens if you have problems following a c-section and are physically unable to work full time then?

Also, what happens if you don't want to? What happens if working 5-6 days a week is too much too soon (in banking I suspect we are not talking about a leisurely 9 to 5 job either), and you want to spend a little more time with your baby but cannot because your partner is only part-time?

I just think the OP is right to seriously think before getting pregnant.

He really will not change because of fatherhood. Promise.

It sounds like you already have a child - a man child

'Hoping' he'll change is pure stupidity, get him to change now - earning a proper wage, arranging his own work and clients, and sharing all the household tasks, and then, and only then, think about having a baby