AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

[WorkerBee926]

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

'I'd hate to deny him the opportunity to be a parent because of something like money'
You're not denying him the opportunity! You're not the last woman on earth, you're not married and he can find someone more compatible.

Kiwiinkits your list made happy, recently got married and DH ticks all those and more :-) so for the first time ever I chose well!!!

In truth, told sounds like you resent him already. He is sponging instead of being the strong, supportive and loving partner that puts your needs ahead of his own. I wouldn't think that sounded like good father material.

Kronutpearl I meat to laugh at the "the wage gap is a myth"
Maybe wasnt clear.
It is NOT a myth it is very real world wide.

He sounds like a man child OP.
One of my friends has 2 kids with her man child partner.

He's completely irresponsible, relies on her for everything, is constantly changing jobs whilst bumming around doing nothing in between Meanwhile, she's working herself into the ground, depressed and resentful.

Be warned - don't let your wish for a baby cloud your judgement here. Things will certainly not get better with a baby in the mix.

YANBU, although I would frame the issue slightly differently to how you have OP. It isn't just the money: after all, you could save to take a longer maternity leave. Most people do save ahead of ML in fact, as the majority of women in the UK only get SMP (6 weeks at 90% plus 33 weeks at £140). It's the other stuff.

In a setup with no DC, where one partner is working significantly less than the other and is being financially supported also, the other one shouldn't have to take responsibility for housework. It's a bit different when there are kids involved, because, at least with young DC, you never know whether you're going to get one that will be amenable to you getting housework done or not. DH and I both generally, on our days off, manage to get certain things done around the kids, but not everything and not always.

You do both need to be ready to put a lot of hard graft in if you're going to have a child, however you split the working and caring duties. I don't personally subscribe to the idea that any particular pattern (1 x SAHP 1 x FT, 2 x FT etc) is automatically better than any other, but I do think you both need to be willing to work hard.

It's not about the money... it's about the attitude, and what you can BUY WITH the money.

Your attitude is to work hard to achieve what you want (house etc) and I garentee that when you have kids you will want " things" for them e.g., days out, sports clubs, birthday parties ... nothing fancy but not possible if you are constantly grubbing about for pennies ... when you are and gave been working hard to provide and you are carrying another lazy adult who's lack of contribution directly impacts the quality of life you can offer your children... all respect will go. Then love, then even liking , and you will comes to despise and resent his attitude.

Nothing will kill a relationship faster than lack of respect and you will not be able to respect a man who thinks doing two says work means he has to have a day off. It's pathetic now, trust me when you have children it will be 10 x worse and you will mind 50x more ...

This is a recipe for disaster. Please, think with your head, and let your feelings catch up. This is already bothering you, LISTEN to your gut instinct. ... you can do much better.

I am the voice of bitter experience and I wish wish I had listened to my gut instinct ...

The wage gap is a myth

Actually, no it isn't.

Some of the wage gap is because usually, men leave women to do the domestic work, and the wifework, of bringing up children & managing a family, so it can be a check on women's earnings, because they focus on family rather than work (lazyarse husbands).

However, there is a curious economic phenomenon often called the "male marriage premium" (google that term and you'll find a lot of economists' papers showing that there is a "small but statistically significant" wages premium for married men) whereby men who are married are paid more simply for their personal situation. It's a form of unconscious bias, in a patriarchal society which values fathers simply for being fathers, and sees married men as more valuable (steady, secure, socially acceptable etc) whether they do anything towards running the household & parenting or not.

But I wouldn't be having children with your partner. What he says and what he actually does are too different. He doesn't do housework now? And he "doesn't understand" housework? FFS - what is he, 5 or something? I despise adults who can't look after themselves. Again, google "learned helplessness." It's a despicable exploitation of your good will.

Stop enabling him; set a budget; show him how much running the home he lives in costs. Personally, I'd rather be single than partnered with someone who can't be bothered.

He works part time and "doesn't understand housework at all"? And "thinks he works hard"?

He might be a "fun and loving" dad but it doesn't sound as if he would be a reliable or responsible one.

he is the sweetest, nicest person in the world

No he's not. Not to you, anyway.

If he really were "the sweetest nicest man in the world" would you be writing anonymously to ask advice on the internet? Really?

' I think if he was then any kid would end up growing up parked in front of the TV, although parenthood may change him?? Hoping it will provide a kick up the bum to "provide for his family" !? '

NO. Just NO. If you hadn't arranged work for him, he wouldn't have bothered, he 'doesn't understand' housework, he'd park a kid in front of the telly.

PLEASE do NOT have a child with this man. They are not experiments!

You are with someone who is lazy. That will NEVER change.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

It's not so much the low earnings that are a problem, it's the fact that he is not willing to pull his weight in terms of workload. He's doing half the paid work you're doing, you're working full time plus commute, you're doing the housework (wtf is there to have to understand BTW? Cleaning the loo is not brain surgery!) and you're doing the tough part of his job too.

If you have a baby he won't change, but you'll be skint, knackered, and still doing half his job and all the housework.

He's lazy. He thinks working 2-3 days a week is hard and he doesn't get housework. Now throw a newborn into the mix. Give it six months and you'll be hating him.

Here we are - research into the marriage premium, wage gap, and the value of 'wifework':

Our preferred panel estimates indicate the size of this premium increases with the number of domestic chores for which the spouse is mostly responsible, and falls with the wife’s working hours. The relative sizes of the coefficients suggest that a married man whose wife does not work but whose wife is mostly responsible for four domestic chores enjoys a wage premium of about 4% relative to a single never married man. However this premium almost disappears if the wife also works 40 hours per week in the labour market.

Marriage and Wages
Elena Bardasi and Mark Taylor
ISER Working Papers
Number 2005-1

If a married man earns more than a single man, because of the added value of his wife's input, how much more are they earning than married women, or single women?

He sounds like a sponger to me. He won't 'step up' as he has a nice cushy lifestyle living off you. I wouldn't want a man who needs a day off to recover after doing some work!

The word cocklodger springs to mind.

He doesn't work more than 2 days at a time because he's tired

He doesn't do housework as he doesn't understand it

He would plonk a baby in front of the TV...suggesting this is what he does with his days

He doesn't contribute to household income

He doesn't find his own clients

Fuck me! Why on earth are you with this great big manbaby? Am assuming he must be shithot in bed and treat you like a virtual princess as he has absolutely nothing else going for him

I would not marry this man or have children with him as he will be a millstone around your neck forever-once you finally have had enough of seething over his lazy selfish arse and divorce him, he will get the house and the kids as he will be their main carer...and you will pay him maintenance to do so!

Get rid now and run for the hills whilst you have the chance!

OP - I was you, pretty much exactly 10 years ago. Had DC. Resentment built gradually, loss of respect. We are now separated. He was lazy and financially irresponsible. Sponger, man child - but 'lovely chap'. I thought he'd step up after having DC. How can someone not feel a duty to provide for their own DC? But there you go, nothing changed. Apart from my feelings.....

DO NOT have children with this man - dump him and find someone with a work ethic. He can't even be arsed to get his own jobs?? And works 2-3 days a week?! Lazy man child. I can guarantee you'll end up resenting him, and when you do split he'll get residency of the DC due to him being around more (even if he's a lazy parent - which it sounds like he would be since he's lazy at work and housework).

I do think it might be an idea to have a period of time whereby you stop arranging his clients (?!) and start expecting him to do some more housework.

Kind and sweet people, do not sit on their arses for 5 out of 7 days of the week while their partner works hard to pay 90% of the bills and then comes home to do all the housework !!

If he has 3 weekdays off every week (or 2 some weeks) then in those days I'd be expecting him to blast through all the laundry and completely bottom the house. As well as doing a big food shop.

The only jobs that should be left to do daily is dinner/dishes.

You have no kids - those days are free to fill with all the cleaning and housework and still have downtime left too.

If he isn't pulling his weight now really don't expect him to with a baby in tow too.

I know he would be a fun and loving Dad to any kids we have

Well, yes it would be fun for him - no housework, cooking one meal a day and leaving the kids in front of the TV all day. Living the dream.

Meanwhile you are working 6 days a week, picking up the toys as you walk through the door and cleaning on your weekends. Way to go girl.

Re-read Kiwi's list. It is the sort of list that should be taught to all teenage girls.

To give a clearer picture, how much do you earn and how much does he earn? What are your outgoings? He sounds lazy, I would highly recommend you reconsider having a baby with a man child.

although parenthood may change him?? Hoping it will provide a kick up the bum to "provide for his family" !?

Jesus, don't do it. Have a look through the relationships boards here and take in the number of posters whose relationships are on the rocks, whose careers have nosedived, who are exhausted from trying to work f/t, cook, clean, make time for their kids - all because they thought having a baby would magically transform a lazy cocklodger into a responsible provider.

He doesn't sound like he's grown up enough for kids yet. It's up to you whether you want to stick around and give him time to grow up (in which case you need to stop being quite such an efficient safety net for him), or whether to call time now and look for an equal.

He doesn't understand housework? What would he do if you chucked him out and he had to do it for himself? It's not hard to understand. He's a lazy arse.

If you read threads on here, you'll find many from women writing from your viewpoint but 5 years down the line with 2 kids and a partner who hasn't changed from the lazy man he was before.
At some point, a poster will ask unhelpfully "why did you decide to have children with this waste of space?" when it's too late.

It's not too late for you.
Children won't change him, if he is willing to become the partner you need before you get pregnant, there's a glimmer of hope.
Otherwise no.